on dreams, demons, & being haunted

in the dream
it was a lonely house
on a hill
shrouded in darkness
foreboding
terrifying
until i was forced to enter
to save us all
from a greater
danger…
the house was
beautiful
on the inside
…but haunted…
a specter
rose up
threateningly
behind my companion
i wrestled it to the ground
only to realize
it was just
a child
“tell me why
you have so much
anger?”
i asked the child
&
the pain
was
released.

so this is a dream i had. it was pretty profound & felt really meaningful. i laid in bed pondering it. what do i do with this?
am i supposed to help other people exorcise their demons? or is it just another pat on the back from the universe for doing all the work to wrestle my own?
of course, i am still wrestling my demons.
case in point, my inking today is heavily borrowed from the artist david mack because i am going through a thing where i think my own work sucks & what is the point?
today, while on a walk, i started asking my frowning face–“why so stressed? what is there really to be stressed about?” and for a moment i let myself smile again.
but i can find reasons to be sad & even woke up this morning to a dream of my telling someone that sometimes i just don’t have a smile inside me….

so, yeah, still wrestling some demons….

holiday drinking

the whiskey tastes like
cough syrup
something i have an aversion to
with vivid memories of
my nurse mother
forcing medications
&
sure enough
i go to sleep
& dream
of her
bowling with my mother
something
we never did
in the waking world….
this will not be
the first thanksgiving
without my mother
but it will be the first
since she has departed
this
reality….
instead of my annual
angst
this year
i feel
peace
&
balance
&
i am swearing off
the cough syrup
whiskey.

the peace & balance waxed & waned. this time of year i am lucky to feel any peace & balance, so i am not going to look that gift horse in the mouth.
i fixed a turkey for the first time ever. i played “mom” to my four children & two extra children & decided that the cough syrup whiskey wasn’t awful when mixed with eggnog.

this was the last page of this art journal that began on july 10th of this year. i inked on both sides of all the pages.

landscaping

i need to prune
his tendrils
they keep
creeping
clinging
to
me
pulling me
into
quicksand dreams
of desperation
i need to prune
his tendrils
&
be free grow
tall & strong
once
again.

more art journal pages on the tendency of my ex to haunt my dreams. i really need to exorcise that ghost.

aryan jesus is coming to town…

i was doodling during a board meeting
as i have trouble sitting still
& can actually focus better if my hand
is busy
my school notebooks are full of doodles
& i am sure
this is how i excelled as i did
scholastically
with such a tendancy
to let my mind
off leash
to wander….
anyhoo!
when i went to finish the doodle that started with
a man
& ended
with
a fish
i was pretty impressed
with said
wandering mind….

i have been working on turning a journal page into a finished work as requested.
after two tries, i am not completely happy (but there are many a man who will tell you that is not an uncommon state for me) 😉 & am trying to determine if i should try a third time….

one trick pony

i wonder
as a writer & an artist
if
i am like those
actors
who can only play one
character
no matter how excellent
they may be at that
role
they can never move past being
that guy
i wonder
if
i am a one trick pony
always drawing
the same face
always writing
in the same voice.

serious anxieties here folks. could i live with having a limited range? being a bill murray instead of a denzel washington?
i see other artists who do just the one style–doing it really well–& i do not judge them for it…
so why am i so hard on myself?
(rhetorical question–i totally know why)

stronger than i know

i am stronger
than i know
i have done things
most people
avoid
i challenge
the world around me
i ask questions
i expect
the truth
i expect
loyalty & compassion
i am stronger
than you know
i will not
stop
challenging
the world
around me.

this occurred to me the other day. it’s funny, i just do what i do…but then i look around and realize that i’m doing things most people choose not to do because it might be too much work or too daunting…etc.
i’m not trying to brag…i’m trying to make myself realize i am much more fantastic than i give myself credit to be.

bit of a series happening with the handy angels

third time’s the charm

first
my second ex-fiance
then
my first ex-fiance
reached out to me
on the internets
of late
a ghost of 1989
a ghost of 1993
both
with dark hair
&
brown eyes
both
leos
& not complete fuckers
like many many other men
in my past (& present)
so
reflecting on such
& noticing
things happening in threes
i guess
i wait
with baited breath
for a third
&
fresh
fiance to find me
tell me if you see
a dark haired
brown eyed
leo.

a little art journaling/meditation about my (so far very uneventful) man-hunt.
i do wonder….

so i have my sheep fingers…and now angels/fairies with hands for wings–what do i call them? handy angels? angel fives? clappers?

my household gods

this one just kinda
jumped out of me
fully formed
from my head
a household god
fed on peanut butter whiskey
& i.p.a’s
a protector
as well as a tormentor
as my fortune cookie
once told me
there is danger
in getting
too
comfortable.

she took up two pages of my art journal. here are scanned pages.

who am i today?

i have separated out
the personalities
in my head
by what shoes
(if any)
they wear…
although
recently
a new personality
has emerged
& i have not yet
determined
her
favorite
footwear.

i think we all must have multiple personalities–just not at a clinical level. i mean, when you want to wear something colorful versus when black is the only color that will do.
or, i guess it could just be me?
& there is always that dominant personality. the one we are most days. but then there are the days when someone else takes us over & we are an all new person.
in my case, a person who does panda comics….

i did this illustration experimenting with a pen nib rather than using my usual bamboo pen. the lines are a lot more thin & consistent–less dipping required to do an inking…but i so prefer the randomness of the bamboo pen.

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