lost service

my phone service was cancelled
because i forgot to update my address
& seeing as it is a free phone
(the only kind i can afford)
i am made to re-apply
thereby jumping through the hoops
poor people are made to jump through
so they do not forget
they are poor
& should have to beg.
so it’s been almost a month
of no calls
no texts…
i should probably miss it more
than i do
but i just don’t….

i have been using my son’s phone when i have to, but every once in awhile i wonder who might be trying to call or text me on my disconnected phone.
obviously i am not concerned enough to actually let everyone know i am temporarily out of service….
but i am totally out of service, in one way or another…the recording on my soul right now goes something like, “your call is very important to me & will be returned if i ever figure out that you called….”

ps. happy autumn equinox!!

so empty

i’m so empty
there’s an echo
as my soul calls out
looking for its other
i’m so lost
i’m like e.t.
after he phoned home
& no one answered
i wonder
if i even deserve
the treasure i seek
is there any reason
i should find
a true love
when so many others
never do?

sometimes i really deplore myself for all the energy i spend on feeling sad & alone.
like i could be doing so many other things!
looking for life’s meaning (assuming it is not to find that so-called other half)…writing the great american novel…working on my comics…working on madness manor…letting my big brain be all it can be…finding a deeper significance to my existence….
but no
here i am sulking about being alone & lonely.
fuck me.

goodbye

it was as if the island did not want me to be there.
every sign an exit sign.
rain filling the tent
a sky clouding over as soon as we got to the beach
for a swim
crows crying out a warning every morning
relentless flies & pissy park rangers…
i wondered if it was an omen of bad things to come…
only to realize it was a letting go
like the end of the movie
when you have to set free the thing you love
have to chase off the thing you love.
the island was telling me to leave
to run free
& to not look back.

this has everything to do with dusty. i planned this vacation to madeline island with him. kind of a co-parent thing. i thought it would work out okay because things had been going more friendly between us.
but i really do not like being around him.
especially not for an entire camping trip.
we are so different in the ways we live our lives. the ways we see the world. the ways we parent….
it hurts me to be around him. i wish it did not…but it does. i am damaged a little every time i tolerate his bullshit. and i feel like i have to tolerate his bullshit in order to keep the peace.
…and i really really do not like tolerating bullshit.

it was totally his fault the tent flooded. i kept trying to nicely tell him the flaw in his thinking. the flaw that was causing the tent to turn into a leaky water bed…but he kept telling me how it was going to work. i had to wait it out, bailing out the tent more than once, before he would “let” me fix the problem (without any help from him.)

i once surmised of our relationship that if we were ever in a situation where we had to work together to survive–we just wouldn’t. we would be dead.

but i survived.
& the island made it clear to me that i need to let go & stop the nonsense.

day 107

day 107 at madness manor…
i left my house
for four nights
to go camping
a reluctant vacation
as madness manor
sang to me
“please don’t go
i love you so!”
& i missed my house
like i would miss
a friend
what is the fun
of roughing it
in the woods
when i could be
roughing it
at home?

i always find myself wondering why people choose to go camping. vacation in such a way that you sleep on the hard ground, have to walk to get water, poop in a pit toilet, cook over a fire, combat bugs & possibly larger pests….
is it a thing like once you have done it, you feel more alive? feel like you have survived?
my every day is a struggle with survival.
my house is like camping.
so why did i bother to drive for a day to do everything i could do at home?
hmmmm.
which leads to the question–why do i choose to live my every day in a way that most would call roughing it?

when i was packing up to go on this trip that i really did not want to go on, my music mix started playing alt-j’s “breezeblocks”
i really did take it as a sign that my house was going to miss me as much as i was going to miss her.

but i’m home now. putting in heat & insulation & preparing for a winter in madness manor. yay!

changes

change is as startling
as a volcano
a tornado
changing the landscape of your life
so drastically
change is as gentle
as invisible
as a single leaf
falling
maybe you notice
or maybe
one day
you wake up & realize
the trees are all a different
color
& the air is no longer
stifling.

deep thoughts on change. one of my favorite topics. transformation. will it knock you down? or will it happen as subtly as a dream you can’t quite remember?
i was expecting a volcano…but i find myself watching the falling leaves & realizing everything is suddenly different.

mate for life

i will never forget
his telling me
(his clear blue eyes
dimples so deep that
women gave him whatever
he asked)
“doves mate for life”
he told me
to explain why
when he shot one dove
he would make sure
to shoot the mate
as well
so it would not be heartbroken…
his one small
kindness.

ah yes, my kentucky redneck. a preview of my relationship with dusty. he was a breed of his own–just like dusty. a special kind of damaged brilliance.
i think of him every time i see a lonely dove perched on a telephone wire. not because he was my mate for life–but because of his telling me about making sure to end the suffering of any dove left without a mate. i never really knew how to feel about it.


i wrote this because there is a mourning dove that likes to perch on the telephone wire outside my office window. i often wonder if that dove is my one true love come to wait for me.

strange omens

strange omens
abound
a quiet house
full of noises
a deer
materializing
smack dab in front of my car
shapeshifting time traveler
hooves scrambling
to make an impossible escape
turkey vultures
no longer circling
but grounded
the summer turning to autumn
as if turning a calendar page
holds that much weight
the world feels weird
right now
something
is happening
i just cannot tell
what it is
or how i should
react.

that deer was a total time traveling shapeshifter. i was looking at a pretty house on a hill as i drove, then i looked forward to see a deer that i somehow did not hit despite it being directly in front of my moving car???
i need to focus…but how do i stop daydreaming? or how do i daydream more effectively & not while driving?

the days have been ominous–the incoming autumn has been ominous. but i cannot tell if i should be worried. what is a word for ominous that does not necessarily mean bad…maybe just strange?

the screaming game

who would have guessed
a morning
without yelling & screaming
would feel so luxurious?
who would have guessed
a day
without being abused
by midgets
would feel so
refreshing?
was motherhood
the model
for getting
information from spies?
the methodology
for breaking suspects?
i spent a childhood
hiding from
loud voices & harsh words
how did i never suspect
motherhood
would be much
the same?

(i know all there is to know about the screaming game….)
the minions are with their father so that i can recover.
i felt it, in my bones, the tired worn down feeling. i felt it, in my heart, the seething anger. they push every button they can find, & i collapse in a heap.
this is motherhood? this is my life?
how do i fix this? how do i change my household into a more peaceful place?
i do not accept that this is the way it has to be…yet i cannot figure out another way.

…to be continued…

notes on being an outsider, part II

a community does not like an individual.
in both nature & society you can see what happens when one of these things is not like the others.
i don’t know why i am different.
nurture?
nature?
something entirely else?
why was is so easy for my sister to conform why i simply could not?
i remember trying to conform once.
just once.
it didn’t last long.
& of course i have tried to join communities…but i always feel like i am wearing a skin
that is not my own
a badly fitting facade.
i am happier alone.
however…
a community does not like an individual.

and then i’m going around raising four more individuals. what will happen to them? they seem happy to be who they are. i am glad they are happy, but am i setting them up for disaster?
is there a community out there that celebrates individuality? (the island of misfit toys?) i’m sure there are some that believe they do…however, i have yet to find one.

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