better late than never

when i was not even yet 20
i had written
three or four books
& working on the next one
plunking away
on an electric typewriter
sending off pages & pages
to publishers
& agents
getting back
an impressive collection of rejections
i knew i was going to be a famous
author
i knew it…
but life got in the way
& hope
dreams
years
lost
to
“but what are you really going to be?”
&
“shouldn’t you be looking for a job
with health insurance”
(punk rock little me
thinking
as long as i have planned parenthood
why do i need insurance?)
somehow
without looking
i am almost fifty
still punk rock
but not yet
nor
anytime soon
a famous
author
however!
soon
a published
author.

my collection of stories–some from those times when i was 20…some from an almost 50 (but still punk rock!!) mother of four…and all the time in between–my collection of short stories has been accepted by a small press in ohio.
a punk rock press, of course.

i should be excited…& i think i am…but maybe after so many years of being quietly unpublished, i am not sure how to make noise about being published….
give me a day or two.

meanwhile, i have started a new art journal series about my being feral. that is, decidedly not a domestic goddess. it is over on my patreon page along with my other art journal pages.

and happy earth day, y’all…but, remember, every day is earth day!!

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don’t laugh

so
a spirit guide
came to visit
in the form
of a sloth
[don’t laugh]
a sloth
who climbed
up
to give me
a hug
climbed me like a tree
for a hug
& i hugged him
[don’t laugh]
feeling his warmth
& feeling okay
just before
he sunk his
long sharp teeth
into my neck
telling me
“shit happens”
a sweet hug
& a mortal
wound…
that about sums
it
all
up.

i have been playing around with doing past life regression ever since i had the vision of myself being a murdered celtic queen. i downloaded a past life regression meditation & the first time i listened to it, i saw myself as a young boy in georgia of the russian empire around the beginning of the 1900s. desolate & lost & alone. jumping forward, i saw myself as a young intellectual in a city. a revolutionary. executed during the russian revolution.
after the regression, i was guided to meet with a spirit guide. the above free verse describes that encounter….
huh.
i have done the regression once since then. i ended up as the celtic girl/woman again. & i had a completely different spirt guide that time. not nearly so gruesome & creepy.
maybe i will do a page about that as well.

& yesterday i conjured a bald eagle! i have started taking walks several times a week to combat my “middle age” bulge. so me & the minions were walking yesterday when misha asked me what a bald eagle looks like. i described one, but she suggested we could look them up on my laptop when we got home.
i replied, “maybe we will see one on our walk!” we live near a small river & not terribly far from a bigger river & occasionally do see bald eagles. however, it has only been a handful of times in the past couple years.
nevertheless, just five minutes later, a bald eagle flew over us.

pretty fucking cool.

& today is iggy’s birthday.  he is eleven. i never cease to be amazed by my kids in our “buy-nothing-new” & low-impact lifestyle. misha & poppy wrapped up a bunch of their own toys, cash, & candy  to give to iggy. (using the tissue paper that our bamboo toilet paper comes wrapped in.) iggy was thrilled with everything he got.
sometimes i feel like i am doing something right….

IMG_2519

searching for the sun

should i dig my hole
and hibernate?
forever ever after?
or should i grab my
essentials
and set out
in search
of the sun?
my own bright
light.

orignially posted on december 27, 2017
another page for the invisible exhibitionist

IMG_2474

coincidentally, yesterday, on my patreon page i was also writing about my search for the sun…but a more sexy search where i am the moon & my once & future soulmate is the sun….

when i started the re-do of this one, i was like–oh no, this is all wrong…but the more i worked on it, the more i liked it. so i am staying with the new version.

david’s battle

the seemingly
incessant
drone
as crop dusters
raid the air
above me
the earth
around me
coated in their
poisonous wake…
& i listen
to the silence
they leave behind
straining & hoping
for the hum
of pollinator’s wings
& the song
that once filled
the night air
from my frog-filled pond
dead quiet greets me now
& i lay awake
for all the noise
in my fevered
mind.

originally posted july 17, 2018
re-done for the invisible exhibitionist

IMG_2476

written last summer when i was being assaulted by crop dusters for two weeks straight. an assault that my bee colonies eventually were murdered by….
one reason i am anxious to leave this place.
the poisons of the city seem a lot less noxious than the poisons of the countryside.
this is the world we live in.

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i thought it was funny that i was working on this while drinking aviation american gin. a gin that i bought because ryan renolds told me to. i will do anything he says. ever since “two guys, a girl, & a pizza place”….sigh….
that’s how lonely i am, y’all
gin & imaginary romances….

squirreling away

a few weeks ago i drew a medicine animal card
from my deck.
it was a squirrel.
today i went to draw a new card
while i was shuffling
i dropped a couple cards
i picked them up
the top one was the squirrel.
i finished shuffling & drew
a card for today
it is the squirrel…
hmmm.
no mixed messages there
prepare for the future
says the squirrel card
be ready for change
says the squirrel card
agreeing with my last tarot reading
where my near future was the moon (change)
& my final outcome was a death card
inverted
(do not fight change.)

wow. what does the universe have in store for me? i have started looking at a back-up iowa town. a bigger town. a cheaper town. more central than north, but still north & west of where i am…which i feel is the direction i need to be going.
like the other town i am thinking about, this town gives me the good feelings when i look at it on a map & think about it as a  home.
so there is that.
an ad on craigslist has a potential house already…a house that i am being offered as a “contract buy” for a small amount down.
do i want to buy a house? in a city? near parks & rivers & a short drive from camping & old friends?
will they still be eager to sell to me when they realize i’m living on luck more than money?
decisions
decisions
i know i want to be out of  here. all signs point to yes on that one.
but do i want to be a homeowner & gamble on that?
be tied down to a property…but also have the freedom of a place that is mine…..?

let me meditate on the energy of the squirrel…let’s see what happens there.

oh! & for a dollar a month, not only can you help me with this life decision but also can you see my first ever inking of a penis! (ish…it is kinda faint) in a post about my most vulnerable of feelings….love….

the turkey stands alone

yesterday
all of my livestock went to live
with a very nice red-haired farmer
who knows what the fuck he is doing
& isn’t just winging it
like some kind of off-kilter homesteading maniac…
i think i learned
many many things
from my livestock experiment 
(not to be confused with my motherhood experiment)
although some of what i learned
is very similar to my motherhood
experiment…
yesterday
my yard emptied out
no more ducks…chickens…goats…or sheep
just the turkey stands alone
and i feel 
a lot
sad
but also
a little
relieved.

i’m telling the minions…it’s a new chapter…a new episode of our lives. change is not necessarily a bad thing. change can be good. really really good. 
but it’s still sad.

meanwhile, i have gotten a little done over on my patreon page.

and a birthday card & a patron card

don’t walk away

though i feel comfort
at the thought
of a no-more
a
never-more
i am invested
in this story
& long to know
how it will
unfold
will i laugh?
will i cry?
i will not stop
turning the pages
of my life
even if at times
i feel
like
setting the book
down
& walking
the fuck
away,
i come back
i come back
i pick up
where i left off
my story
this
is not
the end.

originally posted on august 31, 2018

another one towards the one day realization of the invisible exhibitionist.

i tore up so many versions of this. i am still not completely happy with the final…but there is a lot i like about it too.
i am not sure why i went with lewis carroll’s drawing of alice for this one. i do know that i have always loved this illustration. when i re-did it, i worked from my version of the illustration, without looking at his, which is my habit. to work from my own art that i first borrowed from someone else….
if that makes sense.

anyhoo!
i noticed that this as well as my last post are about survival & not doing myself in as the little voices sometimes suggest…so that’s nice.

& for my next trick…

surviving myself
may be
the best trick
i have ever done
now you see me
now
you still
see me
i’m still here
manacles
straight jacket
cement shoes
submerged in a tank full of every tear
i have
ever
cried
&
i climbed back out
i
survived.

i will rise again

i am in the midst
of an artist’s block…
my pen won’t cooperate
my hand ignores
everything i tell it
my muses have all gone
missing….

i have been trying to do art journal pages, but i have ended up ripping out pages, ripping up pages, re-doing the same picture over & over & over….
something is amiss.
but i am working on it.
& i am not giving up.

the above is a birthday postcard being sent to a friend…
below are a couple of sneak peeks of art journal pages over on my patreon page…i have been relying heavily on edward gorey to help me through my block…interestingly enough, i drew two different self-portraits with my arms thrown up in the air….

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