my therapist is helping me a lot with my mothering struggles. he seems to be on my side. which is nice for a change. he says it’s okay that i lose my mind every once in awhile. he tells me i’m only human, & i’ve been trying to dig myself out of this ditch for a long time.
it’s weird that he is so nice to me. i’m not used to being validated.
meanwhile, i keep my eyes open for the julie andrews to my christopher plummer….
i wrote this journal page a few days ago today there is no fight left in me (but there probably is) just feeling disillusioned with one half of the population– you know who you are you motherfuckers– i will always be alone if y’all continue to be assholes.
today is the day everything changes the mantra goes from personal to univeral everything changes how do you shape the change? in your life in your soul? how do you spread change not like a virus but like a prayer we whisper & we shout today is the day everything changes because we no longer accept allow it to stay the same.
tomorrow i pack it all into a uhaul and head to wisconsin tomorrow i begin a new adventure amidst a new moon & solar eclipse & the anti-versary of a molestation that happened the very same time as my beloved dog becoming lost & eventually found dead leaving me with no one to comfort me these same group of days that my father’s birthday falls into this will be the first dead father birthday my emotions are a whirlpool a tornado hope & despair spinning fast as i run away again from my childhood home believing i will find an answer on the horizon.
yesterday the olde english faire got rained out & we didn’t get to see jousting or birds of prey or raunchy pirate shows. i was so looking forward to losing myself in the festival for a day. instead i spent the day waiting for the rain to stop.
except yesterday was the longest day of the year & it rained & rained & rained some more.
and with the impending status of being “between homes” the minions are losing their little minds & my skin is crawling off of me to just stay sane enough to deal with their excited & agitated energy.
now i just feel weepy & like drinking away my sorrows while binge-watching marvel shows on netflix.
so i’m not getting much art & writing done at all…but i did do this goof-off inking of cats.
not really cataclysmic, i guess…but it does make one wonder why so many words like “cataclysmic,” “catatonic,” & “catastrophe” start with “cat”…hmmm….
i did my tarot on the last night before my kids came back having forgotten to do it the other days they were away. i was tired & thought about skipping my monthly check-in with the universe via tarot, but in the end, i lit candles, shuffled my deck, and asked for guidance.
rebirth was my first card. the card representing me at this time. rebirth is also judgement. the past shaping the present. a time for moving forward with new resolution.
next came the delusion card. it is what is challenging/crossing me at this time. delusion…. i didn’t know what it was, but now i am guessing it represents the house i thought i was going to rent. the house that, as of yesterday, sold to someone else. a decision that did not work out….
in the “present situation” position of my tarot spread came my very most favorite card. one i have not seen in quite awhile. the warrior card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! present situation…kicking ass & taking names…er, rather, forward moving energy. mastering adverse circumstances through my determination & courage. confronting fears. fears like living way off the grid with four kids & a bucket to poop in…which is what is happening since our rental fell through. i mean, on one hand, i like the idea of an adventure & the experience of living in a very unconventional way…on the other hand, i am having difficulty imagining that happening with four kids. but! i do have the generous offering of a free space to camp while i look for a more permanent situation. so i should feel blessed for that. and it is summer. the best time to camp. and once i have a roof over our heads, i’m sure we will look back on this time & have a good talk with our therapist(s) about it. (i would like to point out that the present situation card has a badger on it which is the state animal of wisconsin–where i am moving to–so that seems to be lining up.)
holy crap what if what if you can’t do normal what if dysfunctional is the only speed you move at? you say you want stable & secure but then then you secretly shop for fucked up you crave crazy you love the lunatics lists of issues are a turn-on is this your sickness? is this something you can recover from? or is damaged & broken just the way you roll your own warped happy ish ending.
originally posted on october (inktober) 7th of last year. this page of the invisible exhibitionist was inspired by/stolen from one of my favorite male artists (& a bit of a freak himself) egon schiele.
i usually post a picture of the finished portrait next to the original…but my camera, abused by minions, refuses to work. i had to go shopping for a cheap replacement & am waiting for it to arrive. when it does, i will post some before & afters of this page as well as “the wrong one.” though i still don’t like my re-do of “the wrong one” (i tried three times to get it right) as much as i did the original. sigh. for love, support, & a new camera... (haha, you totally thought i was going to link you to my patreon page….)