& all the chaos
& my unamused
what keeps me busy, inspires me. what inspires me, keeps me busy.
on the bullfrog song homestead with me:
7 muscovy ducksings
and one ex-husband.
i welcome most of these things. okay, all but the ex-husband. i have realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that i do not want to live with him.
whether he’s good or bad, i do not want to live with him.
i want to get on with my life.
and he is not my future.
i do not love him.
part of my process
when i am getting familiar with a character
is to draw that character over & over
until i have gotten to know her.
i really like this character
i am excited about being part of her story
i also started another ink stain drawing
it’s kind of chaotic, but i think i can pull it off
that’s part of the fun for me
out of chaos
that is actually my life
gluing together the good bits
arranging the parts that work
filling in the blanks and drawing out the whimsy
to make a perfect picture…
or something like that.
a friend asked me to illustrate her story. this is an ink i did in my process of figuring out how i want the characters to look. it’s just a mess around rough draft, but i really liked how it turned out. my months of doing ink stain work has shaped my drawing skills and given me lots of fodder for other projects.
i’m excited about working on this project. it is my first chance to work as an illustrator. other than my own stuff, that is.
i like collaborating. i always have. i have found that i work well with others. either flushing out their ideas or letting them help me flush out my own.
i hope that this is the first of many collaborations & illustration gigs.
i haven’t gotten much art done.
i have tried to milk sheep with minimal success.
i have been growing seeds for spring.
i have been putting in beehives.
and raising up more chickens.
and planting potatoes…(no picture here because planting potatoes is not really a photo op)
ah. the life of a homesteading artist.
and sheep, chickens, and bees.
and, of course, the dysfunctional relationship that i am working really hard to avoid dealing with.
days & days
of staring at an inkstain
drawing a line here
squinting to see the shapes
in shadows & smudges & splatters
putting up beehives
eleven days into april
just one inking,
but so much work
i’m exhausted. but i finally finally finished this. there were several times when i thought i was done…but then the light would hit it just right & i would see another face…another creature…more magic.
i am having trouble focusing on my artwork. it shouldn’t take me eleven days to do an inking. or should it? i am distracted. with spring and all the work of a budding homestead.
but, also, with dusty around, the little voices whisper to me that he thinks i am wasting my time.that he thinks i am neglecting the minions. that he thinks i am being silly–thinking my art is a worthwhile endeavor. that i should be doing something else–something worthwhile.
when dusty is nearby, it echoes of my childhood & when my dad would enter a room, i feel like i have to look busy…i feel like my artwork is not real work.
i could very well be projecting this.
or i could very well be sensing it from him.
he has made snide comments in the past.
some days i think i can keep dusty in my life.
i am trying really hard to be nice to him
to see if that changes how he treats me…
…but most the time, he is still a turd.
i have a wicked head cold.
which might be responsible for this inking & its title.
which may have been a psychosomatic response to my letting dusty move back in.
i can barely breathe.
i can barely think.
my functionality is pretty limited.
it might be a defense mechanism of mine.
i was once sick for a month straight in one doomed relationship.
i can’t remember which one.
it’s like my body says, “this is bullshit.”
and shuts down.
my immune system gives up on me.
or thinks, “maybe this will get her attention.”
how many times can i fuck up in the exact same way?
maybe that should be the title of my memoirs….
the wild and the tame
always fight for a balance
my anger and my calm
always seem at odds
the crazy and the sane
in my life
are a constant confusion
which do i embrace?
which do i change?
who am i today?
i don’t feel like talking about anything in therapy today, y’all. so i’m just going to post my picture.
except i’m not going to tell a story
not this time
things in my life
stranger than fiction
as they say
and i try to find the corner pieces
so i can put this puzzle together…
or should i just drop it on the floor?
say, “fuck it”
and walk away?
i can tell you this: i love doing my art. i love it. it is the best part of me sometimes. i love looking and finding and drawing out the image that may or may not be just in my head. if nothing else in my life makes sense…my weird-ass whimsical inkings do.
so that should tell you something.
i think i am going to put a few of them on mat board and try to have a show.
i think i am going to send a few of them off to publications and see if anyone bites.
i think i am going to rely on my art to give my life some sort of meaning when every other avenue is confused.