creases & folds

i’m lost
in the creases
& folds
of a world that i just don’t
fit
into
lost & confused
by spaces where i should
fit
but
just don’t.

so last week, i was a miserable mess.
i think i am starting to recover. i usually feel better on a new moon. you know, new beginnings & all that. forever the hopeful nihilist.
but there are a few more journal pages from this time of feeling…so fucking lost. lost & forgotten. never to be found. a horrible horrible feeling. i hate feeling lost.
so you know.
that’s coming up.
but i feel much better today.

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backwards

you know that social experiment
where you stand
backwards
in an elevator
facing toward everyone
instead of with everyone?
just for a reaction?
just to see
how deeply
it unnerves
them?
that’s me
i am the backward person
in the elevator
my whole life
& personality
is me the wrong way around
in an elevator
unnerving people
with none of us
really able to say
why

no wonder

i still wonder
but i no longer
hope
i no longer believe
i look for authenticity
i find…
nothing
people chock full of
nothing.

i probably expect too much of people. okay. i know i expect too much of people…and i have always hoped to prove myself wrong–i mean, that people weren’t phony.
why does everyone seem so phony?
is it social media? i mean, do i now have access to more people; therefore, i see more of the falseness of people? or is it just that people are false by nature?

or maybe i’m just jaded.

okay–back to my hiding place!