a love poem

he
uses a feather
i
use a hammer
he
teases
& tempts me
i
just whack the fuck
out of him
leaving
him
senseless.

i so tried to draw me all “come hither” and completely failed. i am so not “come hither.” i am the hammer of love. i look like a threat…not a promise.
sigh.
i don’t know how to flirt.
i don’t know how to be subtle.
i’m just all, “ya wanna fuck?”
seriously.
i am not good at relationships…i scare the fuck out of men.
i wrote this because i texted someone tonight to try to entice him to come here to be my date for the reunion tomorrow.
oh my god, y’all. i am so so bad at this. i come on way too strong.
however…guy did not say “no.” so cross your fingers for my having a date to my reunion…of course, for my ten year reunion, i found a date…but i never went to the reunion…i just got laid instead.
so wish me luck!

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confusion is nothing new

once i wrote a poem.
it really was a poem…or at least i thought so. i was twenty-four and was full of light & hope & tragedy. i borrowed the title from a line in the cyndi lauper song time after time,  “confusion is nothing new.” i love that line.
i lay alone in my room at night, and i wrote this poem.

teeth and gums and nakedness
nothing new
a series of dreams
that never come true
but can i really say
that i never get what i want?
when wants change
and needs are undecipherable?
needs
i’d like to get what i need
teeth and gums and nakedness
men following men
through my room
moonlight
sunlight
lamplight
condom wrappers
and nothing fulfilled
but i got what i wanted
for 30 seconds
teeth and gums and nakedness

i have been thinking about this poem a lot. twice as many years later. written half-way to here. i wonder if anything has changed. really. love seems just as meaningless today. just as trivial. i have given it so many many chances and all i have in the end is teeth & gums & nakedness.
still.

david’s battle

the seemingly
incessant
drone
as crop dusters
raid the air
above me
the earth
around me
coated in their
poisonous wake…
& i listen
to the silence
they leave behind
straining & hoping
for the hum
of pollinator’s wings
& the song
that once filled
the night air
from my frog-filled pond
dead quiet greets me now
& i lay awake
for all the noise
in my fevered
mind.

on my okcupid profile there is a question asking “what will you be arrested for?” i have a new answer now, “shooting down crop dusters.”
i am having such fantasies of holding a shotgun & taking off their tail feathers. in my mind i confront the farmers who hire them over & over, tearing their asses off most eloquently.
but i remain motionless. what do i do? i feel like i am confronting a giant that cannot even see me. i pray to the universe to give me strength & faith, but i feel so fucking hopeless about the world right now.
the crop dusters are just the super annoying poisonous icing on the cake.

i love how fierce i look in this self-portrait. i want to be that fierce. also, just sos you know…i have a lot of trouble drawing inorganic objects. that’s about as good as it gets.

creases & folds

i’m lost
in the creases
& folds
of a world that i just don’t
fit
into
lost & confused
by spaces where i should
fit
but
just don’t.

so last week, i was a miserable mess.
i think i am starting to recover. i usually feel better on a new moon. you know, new beginnings & all that. forever the hopeful nihilist.
but there are a few more journal pages from this time of feeling…so fucking lost. lost & forgotten. never to be found. a horrible horrible feeling. i hate feeling lost.
so you know.
that’s coming up.
but i feel much better today.

backwards

you know that social experiment
where you stand
backwards
in an elevator
facing toward everyone
instead of with everyone?
just for a reaction?
just to see
how deeply
it unnerves
them?
that’s me
i am the backward person
in the elevator
my whole life
& personality
is me the wrong way around
in an elevator
unnerving people
with none of us
really able to say
why

no wonder

i still wonder
but i no longer
hope
i no longer believe
i look for authenticity
i find…
nothing
people chock full of
nothing.

i probably expect too much of people. okay. i know i expect too much of people…and i have always hoped to prove myself wrong–i mean, that people weren’t phony.
why does everyone seem so phony?
is it social media? i mean, do i now have access to more people; therefore, i see more of the falseness of people? or is it just that people are false by nature?

or maybe i’m just jaded.

okay–back to my hiding place!