Tag: hopeful

obsolete

i
am
pointless
a redundancy
a misplaced narrative
that does not need
to be found
not really
just
let me gather dust
in a corner
forgotten
impotent
obsolete.

i have been super depressed the past few days. the world, of course, is a mess. i, of course, am a mess. my parenting skills are questionable. my relationship attempt with the ex crashed & left me heartbroken…again.
but i was so tired of myself
that i couldn’t even journal
so i just kept spiraling downward.
but!
i picked up my pen yesterday & managed to write these few words.
& that totally helped to exorcise demons & sweep away dark thoughts.

in related news, i am trying to start a creative group of people who can come together for support & encouragement. i got one text this morning after posting a classified on our little town’s local listings. yay! & i got support coming in from the community center i keep my freestore at (yes, my freestore is still a thing.)

moving forward, y’all. moving forward.
sometimes pretty fucking slowly, but moving forward nonetheless.

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the turkey stands alone

yesterday
all of my livestock went to live
with a very nice red-haired farmer
who knows what the fuck he is doing
& isn’t just winging it
like some kind of off-kilter homesteading maniac…
i think i learned
many many things
from my livestock experiment 
(not to be confused with my motherhood experiment)
although some of what i learned
is very similar to my motherhood
experiment…
yesterday
my yard emptied out
no more ducks…chickens…goats…or sheep
just the turkey stands alone
and i feel 
a lot
sad
but also
a little
relieved.

i’m telling the minions…it’s a new chapter…a new episode of our lives. change is not necessarily a bad thing. change can be good. really really good. 
but it’s still sad.

meanwhile, i have gotten a little done over on my patreon page.

and a birthday card & a patron card

11

dreaming you

would you believe me
if i told you
i dreamed you
into
reality?
would you believe me
if i told you
i don’t know you
but
somehow
i need you?
after all
you are next in line
to occupy
my
heart…
would you believe me
if i told you
i have avoided you
hidden myself
away
all my life
because i am afraid
of
your
greatness?
instead i seek out
diminished
versions
of you…
would you believe me
if i told you
i am ready
for dreams
to come
true?

i dreamed the other night of my tall, dark, & handsome. in my dream his name was dan–not david, which i kept forgetting & calling him. the dream caused me to start thinking about love & about inviting love into my life. this ties in a bit with my thinking about my needs and wanting to learn to need someone–as much as that terrifies me.

i wanted to do something beautiful for this post inviting love into my life. i had once before done gustav klimt’s the kiss for a love i have since let go.


i felt his painting of ecstasy might be a good way to look forward to a love i have yet to embrace.

i am hoping to study klimt more. especially seeing as he seems to like curly-qs as much as i do.

4

marry me?

quick
someone marry me
i can’t bear to wait
a minute more
i can’t bear
the idea
of having to meet
& go through the whole dance
just
quick
someone run away with me
let’s pretend we’ve known each other
all our lives
let’s just skip the awkward parts
go straight to the good stuff
the happily ever after
you’ll have time
to figure me out
i’ll have time
to learn everything
about you
just
quick
someone spend the rest of this life
with me
i need a 25 year long marriage
by tomorrow
if possible.

i commented “marry me?” on an artist’s instagram photo. i couldn’t help it–she is a beautiful red-haired woman who does these fantastic water color pictures of smiling 1950s era women with black eyes & other suspicious injuries.
i’m just going to start asking every fabulous person to marry me. someone is bound to say yes.
i did this one thanksgiving when i couldn’t bear the thought of another family thanksgiving. i went out to a bar and asked everyone for an invitation to their thanksgiving. the bartender ended up inviting me to his–which was being cooked by his roommate who was a renowned chef in town (lexington, ky.) i also got laid & went on to stalk said bartender…but that is another story.
other than the heartbreak of accidentally falling in love only to be dumped after thanksgiving for his lesbian gal pal, i think i did pretty well.
so i plan to take that approach & apply it to my next marriage.

ps. the water color artist has yet to reply. i may have freaked her out.

5

to whom it may concern

dear sir or ma’am
i think of you often
(too often?
am i obsessing?)
but i can’t help wondering
what is keeping you
away
from me
&
will your hair
be black
or red?
will your eyes
be green
or brown?
of course you will love me
& think i am
hysterically funny
& beautiful
of course
& i will think
the sun rises with you
we will make each other
very happy
some
day
we will make each other
coffee
just the way
we like it
some
day
& you will never
ever
leave your socks on the floor
i can’t wait to meet you
xxoo.

this came out of nowhere…but i kinda just went with it. ditto on the self-portrait. just going with the flow of my inner romantic while, apparently, my inner cynic is off taking a leak.

14

crying over who?

i don’t even know
who i miss anymore
someone i’ve never met
or someone
i lost a long time
ago
i don’t even know
why i cry anymore
is it for something
i lost
or something
i fear
i will never find?

1

message in a bottle

i stay on the beach
because
i still have
hope
hope that someone
someone
will find my message in a bottle
the jungle
is behind me
will it be
relief
or defeat?
an end
or a beginning?
when i turn my back
on the sea
surrendering myself
to the solitude
of my forest soul…

so i quit facebook again. i honestly have no idea how to feel about facebook…but i end up feeling
well, feeling empty.
facebook leaves me feeling so incredibly empty.
yet i return to it again & again in hopes that somehow there will be an answer for me. that somehow, someone will know what i am looking for.

i don’t know how to explain it right.

i mean, i realized that facebook interactions can give me support when i have a house full of abusive relatives or when i have a constipated child…but they don’t know how to solve a problem like maria–nor do they even want to.
i see other people get reassurances for their crazy…but, mostly it’s men getting reassured & called brave for showing their crazy.
when i show mine, which i do a lot…i mean how many self-portraits have i done as i try to illustrate my struggle with my inner demons???????
yes, a small handful of people respond to me & my art.
but
mostly it’s crickets.
giant mocking crickets in my head (because i get so little feedback/support for my art/struggle with sanity.)

sigh.

so i wrote this before i quit facebook to explain to myself the reason why i stay on facebook. or social media at all is because i keep hoping someone will find my–

(fuck me, the police “message in a bottle” came on the radio as i was typing this!!!)

–message in a bottle.

2

greetings earthlings

every day
is me trying to be a better
person
which is hard
when half the time
i’m not sure i’m
human

so realizing how nice it feels to get birthday greeting and how happy my kids get when someone sends them a card, i am trying to send birthday cards–homemade birthday cards to people who are in my life.

this one is for my nephew, who is a doctor who fan.

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