neurotic or instinct

am i following my dreams
or sabotaging myself….
is it intuition
or an anxiety attack
is this what i want
or am i just
living my life
out of spite.

i am in the process of buying a brick two story built in 1900. this house was in a devastating flood in 2018 when a dam broke here in the driftless region of wisconsin. consequently, the heating system, the electrical, & the water heater were wiped out. additionally, there was a lot of damage done to the first floor. walls & cabinets were damaged and removed leaving a blank slate for me to create from.
i kinda jumped on the house without much second thought due to the fact that i could buy it for the money i inherited when my folks died. i wanted to find an investment for the money before it was nickeled & dimed away. in no other scenario could i have a brick two story house. banks don’t want to loan me money because of my lack of income…but i can slowly work on the house and bring it back to life as i can afford to while also living there with no mortgage to pay.
but this whole happening has me suffering from panic attack after panic attack as i get unsolicited advice from way too many people…one being an older sister who is doom & glooming me into believing the house is going to fall down on top of me.
i had it inspected, & i trusted the inspection. i have instincts telling me it is a good move. i have friends who totally think it is a good move, including one who works in building salvage.
do i trust me?
do i trust me?
i have been turning everything over in my head. over & over & over.
no, most people would not choose to do this…but i am excited & want to learn about solar as well as wood-burning resources as well as cabinet building. i want to be unconventional & low-impact & turn this house into something awesome. i live in an area of the country ripe with amish craftsmen, artists, and do-it-yourselfers. i think i am in good company & am ready to make new friends….
yet still terror sneaks in…& then i have to talk myself down again.
but i am able to talk myself down.
remember that summer i lived on a bus with no running water for three months? i can totally do this, right?
(or am i setting myself up for disaster???)

earth day art

in between a sister have a psychotic break on my couch
waiting for the proof of my book to show up
(both excited & terrified)
& impulsively buying a house
that is at least as damaged as me…
i am working on art for an earth day exhibit
i have too many pieces already,
but it is so calming to thumb through my journals
and creating new pieces from old ones.

by the way
any piece you see here is totally for sale…
let’s say $60 for the 9X12 & $75 for the 12X16
(the story & goddess of creation)

update: the song, goddess of creation, & the story have all been spoken for

trust II

i was never taught
to believe in me
i was never taught
to have faith in myself
to trust
that i could
make the right decision
follow that right path…
funny thing
in all my efforts to follow
that path
i had forgotten that learned lack
of faith
that distrust in my own instinct…
but even forgotten
it popped up into my life
to fuck me
all over again.

so! recently i started the process of buying a house. it was in a flood here in the driftless when a dam broke in 2018. the boiler, hot water heater, & electrical system as well as walls & cabinets and most of the kitchen were destroyed in the flood–followed by the owner abandoning the property.

so, you know, deeply damaged, of course i fell in love with this two story, circa 1900 brick house. in all the damage i saw how i could make the house my own.

plus i am in a position to buy it outright.

my heart said, “yes yes yes!” but then the unsolicited advice from family & acquaintances started picking away at my poor (already compromised) brain.

that’s when i remembered my parents telling me “it’s a nice hobby, but what are you really going to do?” when i was a twelve year old artist/writer who had already won contests and just needed that support to believe in myself…which left me wondering for the next 36 years until i finally said, “no. seriously. i want to be an artist & a writer.”
fuck.
how do you learn to believe in yourself when taught not to believe in yourself?

i feel this house & i are meant to be…but i am struggling with believing in myself…which totally sucks.

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