queen of the imposters

it’s my grandma saying
“you’d be so pretty if only you dressed like a girl”
it’s my parents saying
“writing is a nice hobby, but what will you really do?”
it’s that boyfriend saying
“you might be sexy if you started jogging and lost some weight”
it’s the father of my children saying
“why do i have to work why you do nothing?”
the father of my children
questioning all my decisions while offering no help
the father of my children
insinuating i’m doing it all
wrong….
but they don’t even know
they don’t even know what they have done to me
that they have become a little voice in my head
telling me i’m an imposter
when i wear girl’s clothes & pretend to be pretty
i’m an imposter
when i say i’m a writer
i’m an imposter
when i feel sexy
i’m an imposter
when i try to mother my children….

a friend of mine was talking about how the judging voice in her head was “the white lady.” this made me wonder what the most disruptive voice in my head looked like.
so i meditated & journeyed into myself to confront the one who whispers “imposter” whenever i try to do certain things.
i couldn’t find anyone. no one came forward. i called & called, but no one answered. i assumed they were hiding from me.
but then last night as i lay in bed after being screamed at by my ex-husband who was visiting for our son’s birthday, i realized, my imposter voice was there…they just didn’t realize i was talking to them. they are oblivious to what they are doing to me. they think they have done nothing wrong. they see themselves as completely innocent.
this made me realize i need to start being oblivious to it as well. just drown it out by proclaiming, “i am not an imposter. i am a good mother. a good writer. i am pretty & goddammit, sexy too.”

vulnerable

like a fucking
deer
in the meadow
a bunny
in your garden
on high
alert
exposed
vulnerable
a clear shot
to my already bleeding
heart
the world
scares
the fuck
out of me
right now
being alone
in a world
gone mad
feeling
alone
in a world
gone mad.

my anxiety is through the roof, y’all. like crazy cramping nausea. i don’t think i have felt this anxious since my freshman year of high school when i was a budding freak from an abusive household in a conservative small town. is it the demise of dusty & me? is it the state of the world’s high alert? is it fucking biden for president?
probably all of that & more.
but you know what anxiety is for–it’s to let you know that something is wrong. terribly terribly wrong.
so i’m guessing it won’t be leaving me soon.

i read my tarot last night to see if i could get a leg up on what’s going on with me & was told by my cards that i am restricting myself. creating my own little prison.
near future: illumination…so that’s gotta be good….
but now i am meditating on: how do i escape a prison of me? how do i start believing in myself?
& i figure–i already have all the anxiety–may as well go ahead & push my limits…rock the boat…burn the motherfucker down….

stay tuned.

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