can you not see me?
can you not
or do you
here’s another from last week’s severe depression. as you can see, (maybe?) it has been illustrated now that i have a little levity to my mood.
i assure you…when i wrote it i was in the depths of one of those funks where i don’t want to die…but i don’t want to be alive either.
a fucked up place to be.
see…my life overwhelms me. i mean, that is understating it…but my life overwhelms me. i feel like i am wrapped in squid five miles underwater. my life overwhelms me. i know other moms have done it. i know other women have done it. i know other people have survived worse…but my life overwhelms me.
…& i don’t want to do it alone.
i don’t like to ask
i will spite myself
slip deeper into my cozy pool of despair
rather than ask for help
i spent my childhood
in my parents’ blind spot
& instead of acting out
to grab their notice
i built my little throne of thorns
to sit quietly
glare & think to myself,
i won’t give you the satisfaction.
i spite myself
instead of asking
for the most human of things
why won’t anyone
as i close that door.
watch in real time as i battle my demons. tonight, oy, the last week…longer?…my demons have been chewing on the cords of my self.
just two more pages to go
and INKtober starts on sunday.
am i going to do it again?
it was really good for my art last year…in fact, i can’t believe it is time for it again already. it seems like just yesterday.
i did buy more paper & more ink.
because…well…you can never have too much paper & ink (what if a zombie apocalypse happens & i can’t get to the art store??)
speaking of zombie apocalypses–i was planning on doing moses jones after i was done with the mistress of mud.
and/or playing around with just using brush & ink….
but i suppose i could do both of those things during INKtober…
meanwhile, bees to get ready for winter.
tomatoes to turn into canned sauce.
basil to make into pesto.
pumpkins & squash to harvest.
lambs & turkeys to butcher.
winter gardens to plan.
new pastures to build.
and i am planning on buying and raising by bottle a billy goat all my own….
and, of course, raising & unschooling four minions….
speaking of all this. i am entertaining the idea of renting the basement out to dusty on the conditions that:
1. we are not in a relationship
2. he pays rent & buys his own food
3. he gets a job
4. he quits smoking
what could go wrong?
see, it’s just that i need need need the help, and no matter how hard i try, i cannot seem to lure peoples of a non-dusty nature to come here & help me.
i know it’s not a good idea. but i will kick him out again if it all goes south.
so as soon as i saw this ink stain i saw a koala bear.
i did not however realize there were six koala bears hidden in the ink. so many koala bears. such a nice change from trump america, hate crimes, the struggles at standing rock, the denial of climate change and stubborn headlong push for fossil fuels in stead of sustainability.
and all the other crap going down.
war, famine, genocide, pollution, slavery…fuck a duck.
so i wish you all the sweet innocent dreams of koala bears where anything is possible.
but don’t let that be a diversion. we have been asleep too long. so now
i want you to wake from that dream,
and fight a good fight
fight for justice
fight for your neighbor
fight for the environment
fight for love
fight for peace
fight for hope
fight for a world where no one has to live in fear….
fight a good fight
(for the koala bears if for no other reason!)