inner child problems

my masculine is the
protective & loyal dog
my feminine
is the fiercely protective
bear
so who keeps opening the door
for strangers
with ill intent?
who keeps opening
my arms
to energy vampires
& narcissists?
there she is
my inner child
who grew up
confusing abuse
for love…
there she is
my inner child
ready to rescue
everyone else
because she hasn’t learned
how to be her own
hero.

i used medicine cards to determine my masculine & feminine spirit animals. totally accurate.
so then i was hiking a cold & snowy hill recently, trying to figure out why i could have such strong protection, yet still fall victim to abusive partners & friendships. i wanted to figure out why i let myself be such a victim when i have such a self-protective nature?
i need to figure it out so i can knock it the fuck off.
this is what i came up with. my inner child (and my empath) are mucking up the works by ignoring red flags in favor of trying to save everyone.
okay…
so now i just need to figure out how to teach them how to love themselves first? easy, right?

full moon wishes for 2022

i made a vision board
for the third year running
the past two have worked well in finding me my
madness manor
& helping me through my struggles
as a mom
this year the focus is on success & hotties.

blanket of anger

my anger is a blanket
i cannot
get out from under
no matter
how i struggle
i am suffocating
in my own
anger
i kick & kick & kick…
he cannot hear me
no matter how loud
i scream
& all i can hear
is echoes of him
in our children
i scream
& scream
& scream
& no one hears me
& nothing changes.

yup. more angst at the ex. fuck me when my kids start trying to gaslight me in a little mini-him gesture. i have no tolerance for it. i call them on it.
do i call him on it?
would it do any good?
i guess, at least, i can hope to raise a handful of men who do not gaslight. who know better….

i wonder why

i wonder why
i so easily
put others’
needs
others’ feelings
ahead of my own
leaving myself
in my sad
cocoon
of resentment.

another dusty inspired journal page. since he has been fired from his job and is waiting for the universe to drop another one in his lap, he has been messing big time with the kid schedule and spending way way way too much time at my house. it has me all out of whack.
and angsty.
i decided to stand up and say something, and he conceded to me saying, “you get your way.”
that was after two days of my saying something as nicely as i could before finally getting morose. after almost 20 years, i still don’t know how to talk to him. every approach at having a mature conversation ends with my being punished.
i just want things to go back to the way they were–where i only saw him twice a month–briefly–to drop off/pick up kids.
my life is so much easier when dusty & i are not “friends.”

when to vanish

i must duck
to avoid being
entangled
in the wires that hold
him up
i must crawl
under the smoke
so that i can endure
his fire
i must bob & weave
& even
run & hide
as if i were a silly rabbit
& he
a clever fox
not always does
a warrior stand tall
sometimes
she must know
how to
when to
vanish.

i haven’t gotten any new art done in a bit, but i did feel like coloring in some journal pages…so there will be a few days of those.
i have been working on stabilizing some bad energy…some saturating negativity that is clogging up my works. it all seems to be centering on my ex. he is trying to worm his way back in, and i am trying to figure out how to move forward. how to step over him to continue my journey.
i did go to a thrift store and buy a dozen pieces of framed art from which i will pillage the materials to get my inkings done to hang in a coffee shop in viroqua (magpie gelato)…i will keep y’all updated on that endeavor.

what i promised myself

sometimes
i swear
i can feel something powerful
working through me
when i do my art
i cherish those moments
even though i worry
i will spill ink
all over my
magic.

i really really like this inking. maybe i will price it higher? hmmm? i am trying to value myself more while also recognizing that folks don’t have a lot of art money lying around.
i was kind of thinking of new year’s and resolutions etc. as i inked this one. how do i want to grow? who will i be when i am finished? right, i will never be “finished” but, you know, what will i make of this upcoming year?
by the way, my dove turned into a hawk. i think that is a good thing.

“what i promised myself” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

i am more powerful

i have started telling my kids that this year
is the year
my ship comes in
who knows
my third collection to be published
my novel
surely
finished
who knows what good fortune
might find us
at madness manor.

“i am more powerful” 9X12 ink on watercolor paper…$45

wild thing

as i spiral due to all the ways
my life is out of my control
i cannot help but notice
that yawning hole in my heart

my hair is out of control. i have no control over my aging. i have no control over the sparrows that insist on kicking all of the sunflower seeds out of my bird feeder. i have no control over the cats i live with who like to defile my work space & kitchen counters. i have little control over my feral children. i have no control over my ex-husband. i have little control over the people i hire to help me with my house. i have no control (it feels) over how my abusive childhood damaged me.
and i have no control over whether or not i will grow old(er) alone or with a soul mate.
thing is
do i need to let go? what exactly do i let go of? what do i try to rein in?
why was i never taught healthy ways to get my life moving forward?

“wild thing” ink on watercolor paper…9X12…$45

i am wolf

some days i could conquer the world
howl at the moon
take no prisoners
other days i feel caught in a trap
unable to move forward
angry at myself for moving
backwards.

the other night i listened to the coyotes scream from my side porch. last night it snowed and blanketed my valley community.
looking out my window at the natural world that surrounds me is enough to keep me going even when i feel like i cannot possibly make it through another day.
and if i can actually get out of my house to be amidst the natural world…then i can ground myself & clear away all the poison that builds up in my soul.

“i am wolf. hear me howl.” ink on watercolor paper 9X12. $45

resting…

sometimes
it is okay to rest
sometimes
i can let myself
step away
take a break
from trying to save the world.

i’ve got a bit of the covid, y’all. this is the second time i have had it. the first time being the fall of 2019. it was much worse that time, but i am recovering.
in addition to being sick (or because of being sick) i am in a god-awful mood. terrible mood. i am grumpy as fuck.
i am trying to re-imagine my world.
messing around with my art & writing.
feeling miserable about myself as a mom.
wishing i could just figure all this shit out….

i hope y’all are having a comparatively easy autumn slide into the holiday overtures.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑