not of this world

i think maybe i am waiting
longing
for someone who is not
of this realm
i think maybe
i am not the only one
who feels
this way
songs full of other world
energy
art on a canvas
showing us
an understanding
not of this world
but an impossible other
stories that explore worlds
we can only see
in our hearts…
i can only hope
that the someone whom my heart
calls to
somehow finds his way
to share
not just an emotional sphere
with me
but a physical one
as well.

i’m getting tired of my own posts about relationships. i wrote this like a week ago? and since then i have downward spiraled to a place where i am “fuck everyone i’m going to dig a hole & never come out.”
so relationships are not a top priority for me at this moment in time as i try to dig myself back out of the grave i have put myself in to.
and i’m kind of annoyed with me.
but! i do remember that i wrote this post after crying while reading the wishing of biddy malone to my kids. a story about an irish lass who falls in love with a fairy.

i do really like the creepy baby hand angel though.

uncross my heart

i remove the conflict
i uncross
my heart
i life my arms
into the air
waiting
for that inevitable
embrace
that never comes
& the sun
sets
the moon moves
across the sky
in her dance with the
stars
& all i can feel is
lost.

i wrote this page in response to my tarot cards that keep having the idea of relationships & men as a conflict to who i am. i thought i could remove the conflict…but i could not.
so!
i am calling off the hunt. fuck it. i’m okay alone. right?
i am so totally okay alone.
i have so much crap to sort out. i mean, am i even over my exes? why can thoughts of them still break my heart? do i really need to pile anything on to that crap pile?
also. who do i even want in my life? when i imagine someone to grow old(er) with, who is it i really want? why does that change from day to day, moment to moment?
and should i even be trusted to pick someone? or let someone pick me? i do not have a good track record.
so maybe i am not ready. maybe it’s all a pipe dream.

i can always fall in love in my next life.

(funny story. while i was inking this, iggy came in to tell on poppy for flipping him the bird…looked at my inking & was like, “nice, mom!”)

unfurling

i am soft
i am open
i glow
like the moon
& am warmed
by the sun
my heart is
blossoming
my wings
unfurling.

more mantras to keep me to my path. soften. open. escape the safe prison of my cocoon.

unlovable

i don’t want to be
alone
but i cannot imagine
anyone
loving me….

my broken bits shine in this one. it’s a deep fear of mine…or deep belief. i am working on rooting it out. as you will see in coming pages about my body image, mother image, and aging which affect and are affected by my feeling unlovable. hopefully i can exorcise this demon one day soon…or, entanglement of demons (the name of my next band.)

stronger than i know

i am stronger
than i know
i have done things
most people
avoid
i challenge
the world around me
i ask questions
i expect
the truth
i expect
loyalty & compassion
i am stronger
than you know
i will not
stop
challenging
the world
around me.

this occurred to me the other day. it’s funny, i just do what i do…but then i look around and realize that i’m doing things most people choose not to do because it might be too much work or too daunting…etc.
i’m not trying to brag…i’m trying to make myself realize i am much more fantastic than i give myself credit to be.

bit of a series happening with the handy angels

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