whispers

in a moment
of quiet
i try to conjure you
your face
your eyes
how it will feel
to be near you
but i am quickly
surrounded
by the ghosts
of boyfriends
past
& i find myself
taking inventory…
did i love
any of them
or did i just love
the idea
of being
loved?
the few i can remember
loving
were just whispers
in the wind
of the storm
of my life….
mostly i surrendered
to pretty faces
who
made me feel
i must be valuable
surely
i am valuable
if they
want
me.

more borrowing from gustav klimt for the illustration.

seriously. when i think back to the 30+ men who have worked as chapters of my life…i cannot remember if i actually loved them. was i actually attracted to them?
i can count on one hand the number of them that i did feel drawn to–and those were some of the shortest chapters.
did i scare them away with my intensity? did it just become safer & easier to let myself be adored than to seek out & ultimately be rejected by the men i adored?
the ones i adored were mostly broken men. men with a sadness about them. a beautiful sadness…. those were my muses. and they all slipped away from me, leaving me in a pool of narcissists.
sigh.
i can’t say that the men i chased would have worked out any better than the ones i let catch me. they were probably right to steer clear of me. i would have just broken them more. (not on purpose–i’m just made that way.)

so i don’t know what to imagine for the one who will love me as i love him. the one who won’t leave; the one i will not leave…other than a punk rock, lumberjack poet. surely a punk rock, lumberjack poet.

i finished my journal that i started on november 2nd of last year…which means i will be updating my “invisible exhibitionist” page.

Advertisements

reminded of you

what if
everyone
i ever fell in love
with
what if
every
crush
every obsession
every
unexplainable
attraction
was my seeing
you
in them?
what if
all these years now
i have been
falling in love
with the parts of
them
that remind me of
you?
that is
if someone can be
reminded
of someone
they’ve never
met
not in this life
anyway…
but someone
i can feel
in
my
heart
nevertheless.

my version of gustav klimt’s judith I.
i used bamboo pen & ink brush. i really really like the way it turned out.
i did not see the head in her hand until i was at that part of the painting. i turned it into the head of the “you” in my poem. now i realize it is intended to be the decapitated head of the man judith seduced to save her village.
tomato–tomahto.

ps. there is only one page left in my current art journal. endings & beginnings.

love notes

love is trying
to find me
i dream it
in the night
love is on its way
it’s just that the phone
reception
is bad &
i keep dialing
the wrong number
but love is
determined
& sends me
messages
any way it can
so i check the mailbox
with
religious
fevor
i watch the sky
for
smoke
signals
i check the leg
of every
wayward
dove
because
love
love will find me
like a dandelion
wish
on the
wind.

i like to throw y’all a curve ball every once in awhile. let my inner romantic take the wheel. she deserves a turn. i mean, my demons wreak havoc with my art journal.
of course, some would say that love is just another demon.
maybe
maybe
but by now
it’s pretty clear
i dig my demons.

this self-portrait is another rip-off of a gustav klimt. i changed the color scheme but kept the hairdo. i’m not sure i can pull it off, but thought it was close enough to the real thing.

dreaming you

would you believe me
if i told you
i dreamed you
into
reality?
would you believe me
if i told you
i don’t know you
but
somehow
i need you?
after all
you are next in line
to occupy
my
heart…
would you believe me
if i told you
i have avoided you
hidden myself
away
all my life
because i am afraid
of
your
greatness?
instead i seek out
diminished
versions
of you…
would you believe me
if i told you
i am ready
for dreams
to come
true?

i dreamed the other night of my tall, dark, & handsome. in my dream his name was dan–not david, which i kept forgetting & calling him. the dream caused me to start thinking about love & about inviting love into my life. this ties in a bit with my thinking about my needs and wanting to learn to need someone–as much as that terrifies me.

i wanted to do something beautiful for this post inviting love into my life. i had once before done gustav klimt’s the kiss for a love i have since let go.


i felt his painting of ecstasy might be a good way to look forward to a love i have yet to embrace.

i am hoping to study klimt more. especially seeing as he seems to like curly-qs as much as i do.

my first post at the literati mafia

my first poem & self-portrait have been posted–go check it out. also check out all the awesome writers posting on the literati mafia.

holy crap this is the longest i have spent on a drawing/ink painting in quite a bit. usually i spend about fifteen minutes on a journal page. but this one, i did a rough in my journal (as usual) and then spent time & used good paper to do a final. i like how it turned out. funny story…i was almost done and went to put away my black ink when–ah fuck! i spilled ink on the page i had been working so hard to make less messy than my usual. but i kind of like the ink spill. i am considering making it part of my signature on every piece from now on.
the poem is a bit different as well.
(and also the same)
it’s a little more disjointed than usual. i thought i should make it into a longer more prose-y piece, but after writing a longer more prose-y and cohesive piece, i decided i liked my disjointed verse better.

it’s the same story…but with a little more effort.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑