easy

sometimes i wonder
why i can’t just
do things
the easy way
be pleasant
stay married
rent
not choose art
work nine to five
buy the stuff
all of it
to make life
easy
don’t swim
against the current
don’t find a home
on the fringe
be sweet
be sweet
be sweet
let people
love you.

on the 5th i did several journal pages (they will appear over the next few days) and got a lot of my angst onto the page. the messed up mood i have been in since…like over a month. more? i am done with it. just. fucking. done.
art journal to the rescue!
it really seemed to do the trick. by evening on the 5th, i felt my heart start to lighten.
what would i do without my art therapy?
the sentiment on this page is something i have often felt. why do i make my life more difficult? why can’t i just go along with what most people do?
i can’t. i wouldn’t be me.
but that does not mean it’s easy.

i don’t need another hero

i’ve changed
my heart no longer
starts or stops
with
the attention
or lack thereof
of a potential suitor
i’ve changed
my priorities
are me & mine
not his
i am no longer
looking
for a hero
no longer
waiting
to be saved.

this was a nice epiphany. too much of my life has been spent obsessing over the needs–wants–desires of whomever i was with at the time. too much time wasted trying to please other people. i was thrilled to realize that part of my brain has switched off in favor of taking care of what i need, want, and desire.
it’s about fucking time.
so i’m not sure what this means in terms of romantic relationships except that i no longer plan to get swallowed up by one.
i’m writing my own story now.

thundering storm

i am not a flower
opening
a gentle breeze
the flap of a butterfly’s wings
i am the storm
the thundering clouds
& lightening
i am the wild wind
& pouring rain
i am
transformation
blowing away
washing away the rubbish
so the sun can come out
again
warm the earth
open the flowers
& coax
butterflies
onto the breeze.

i got a new scanner! i am trying to be sensible with my money in case the universe stops being so sweet to me; however! a new scanner was necessary as my old one (donated by a friend three years back/seven journals back?) was making super sad sounds & then just refusing to move.
additionally, i had a hard day or two with technology as my laptop was finally updated & then didn’t want to do what i needed it to do.
but i persevered & voila! new pages! old to me, but new to you! i have a back log of 8 or more pages, so the days to come will show how behind i am.

but transformation.
growth
it’s all good.

emerging

there is no room
to stretch
my body hurts
what was supposed to protect
(& did in its time)
now suffocates
& limits growth
encouraging
stagnation
&
decay….
so!
i close my eyes
& visualize
the blood pumping
into wet wings
growing
stronger
growing beautiful
& amazing
i will lift & soar
on the warm sunny wind
i will float
like magic
towards the light
of my moon.

this should be the last one on breaking out of a cocoon because i think i have done it. the new year helped me to shed the last of my old skin and now i can breathe!
my kids were with their dad the whole first week of this year, enabling me to fully dive into my emergence…if that makes sense.
with their return, i have felt a stumble in my force…a hiccup…but i can see it & understand it & am certain i can be a mom, an artist, and a whole person, all three at the same time even!

ps. this is one of the crap inkings i mentioned in my previous post. but! i do try to post all my pages whether i like how they turn out or not. tomorrow will be another one i don’t especially like…but i am working on one for the two pages after that that i really like.

stay tuned!

focus II

“focus,”
the universe whispers
to me
with promises of
clarity
(a thing
i have sought
for how long now?)
with focus
i achieve
clarity
with clarity
i will see
everything
nothing
will be hidden
i will be able to look
i will be able to see
which is maybe
why
i have chosen for so long
to embrace
distraction.

i have done so much to keep myself distracted. not meditating because “i don’t know how” or “i just can’t focus.” but what happens when i actually do try to focus?
i think i will surprise myself.

where is the key?

my cocoon is both
a safe place
warm & comforting
as well as
a prison
a place to escape
but where
is the key?
i have kept
myself
in here
too
long
telling myself the same lies
the same
excuses
but the walls
are beginning
to suffocate
& will only
soften
when i do.

more journaling about this cocoon i am trying to find the door for. more illustration of an androgynous god. i did get butterfly earrings from my son & for myself (coincidentally) for our winter solstice celebration. so maybe this transformation is in the works?

coffin of change

how long have i been
trapped
in this cocoon
it is moot to wonder
who put me in here
no one person
did
but here i am
a coffin of change
my wings
growing in
are trapped
unable to fly
not quite
ready
to fly
but first
how do i get
out?
removing layer
after layer
sometimes clawing
as if for my very
life
sometimes
coaxing & caressing….
is that sunshine
i see?
a light?
can i feel a breeze…?

regarding the illustration, i have been asked to play with the image of the ardhanarishvara, a hindu composite of a god & a goddess. both the male & the female.
i had a bit of a challenge doing this, as i realized how feminine my men are & how masculine my women are. but a lot of the traditional representations of the ardhanarishvara are similar in their androgyny.
i have a lot of experience with feeling both an internal male energy alongside my female energy & feel very androgynous.
it used to be my male was the dominant one, but little by little my inner goddess is making herself heard.

regarding the verse…this is where i am. i’m not sure how long i have been here. i feel like it has been a long time. i am hoping to find my way out & into a transformation soon….

the shaman

the first song of the day
my oracle
of the mix
“kiss off” by the femmes
i need someone
a person to talk to
someone who’d care
to love
could it be you?

followed by the kinks
“tired of waiting”
i meditate
on my absent soul mate
& draw a tarot card
the shaman…
& i say, “oh crap…this can’t be good.”
nope.
a time of isolation
of finding
thyself
no time for looking
outside
when i have
so much
work
to do
inside…
crap.

the next day, my oracle song was the femmes again…”add it up.” why why can’t i get just one fuck?
the universe wants me to keep it in my pants it seems–though i obviously have other desires.
of course the universe is right because i am way too easily distracted by even just potential–even just a hint–of a relationship.
today i got the kinks again.
“everybody’s gonna be happy.”
promises promises…
but i keep doing my work. getting stronger every day.

(i do have a lot more songs on my mix than just the femmes & the kinks…it’s just they keep turning up in the first song i play.)

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