moses jones page three

i am still going at the pace of a page a month.
yikes…but i do like the way the pages are turning out…mostly.

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when in depression-ville…

sometimes depression can help my art.
wait.
no.
reverse that.
art helps with my depression.
and who better to embrace while severely depressed than my tragic alter-ego, moses jones: superstar.
doing this little bit of this page really helped. before i started working on it i was just listening to goyte tell me “your heart’s a mess” on loop (& i’m all like, “no shit, goyte…way to state the obvious….”)
and crying
so much crying.
i’m sure i will art journal about it…this feeling so fucking alone and of waiting for someone to throw me a line….

oh, wait, i guess i ended up throwing myself a line.
(threw myself a line/drew myself a line…you get it)

so this is where i will be if you need me.
drawing the line.
rescuing myself…again.

pretty me

i have done a rough of page three, episode three…working title “homicidal mama.”
yay
look at me go.
it’s not easy killing off dusty. just yesterday i looked at old pictures of my dusty…and felt that same tug inside me. and today watching season two of “broadchurch” and seeing the relationship between lee & claire and knowing that like that fictitious relationship…dusty is a drug to me….
i have to kill him off.
i’m sure you understand, dear reader.

but i think all my art therapy is doing me some good. the minions are gone for the week and i’ve doused my hair with manic panic and have somehow tapped into younger me. so she & i are hanging out.
it’s all good.

smaller me

holy crap, i sure don’t look 48 in this selfie.
younger me can come & hang out more often…as long as she behaves…ish.

next page rough draft

i was working on this last night. i felt sad doing it. i mean, it’s my way of putting dusty in the ground so he can’t hurt me anymore…but i still wish it were a different reality where i didn’t have to put dusty in the ground in order to feel safe.
sigh.
so i saw the real dusty on monday to get the minions back. i started talking about how i had a couple of local WWOOFers interested in helping out on the homestead. dusty then got really quiet & weepy-eyed. when i asked if he was okay, he said it wasn’t the right place to talk.
then he texted me today to talk.
i hate talking on phones. of course he knows this, but never makes it so we can talk in person & refuses to have written correspondances.
so i called him.
he wanted to know why i had tear streaks on my face when i came to pick up the kids. i honestly answered, “i don’t know. i am just generally sad.” which i am. not the greatest way to be, but i am. i am also generally happy. i told him, “i am sad about ways my life has gone.”
then he asked other stuff and before long we were in an argument.
he wants me to still love him & still want him.
i want to feel safe.
he is upset that i am turning to strangers for help when he is willing to help.
but his help comes with too much baggage.
and manipulation.
and emotional abuse.
i told him that he has “narcissistic tendencies.”
then when i was talking about how i have to watch what i say around him & don’t want to have to change my personality to avoid misunderstandings with him he basically said, “who’s narcissistic now?”
fuck me.
so you might understand why it is just easier to use a katana….

anyhoo.
i have started doing rough drafts because i really don’t like using pencils…even blue ones. so this is the rough for my next page.
are you excited?
i’m excited.
(and a little sad)

MOSES JONES: apocalyptic MAMA

i’m pretty excited about this.

i don’t care anymore what “real” comics are supposed to look like.
i do not give a fuck.
i am doing what i’m doing
& even if i die without turning a single head
i am doing
what
i
want.

got my mojo working

i started a new page of moses jones after a bajillion years of saying i was going to!!
and it has color!!

exciting stuff going on here.

sneak peak…i should be done by tonight….