good friends

lamenting my lonely
blaming the monster
that is me
for the void
of relationships
in my life…
& then
amidst my fit of self-loathing
my son
the one most
like me
to whom friendship
does not come
easily
asked me
“then is it my fault
i have no friends?”
& i answered
for the both of us
“sometimes it’s hard
finding good friends”
knowing
that neither of us
wants to settle
for less.

last night i dreamed about a friend i had in my early twenties. a male friend. a really good friend in my dream thoughts. & waking up i wondered how much of my drama he had to deal with before he just stopped dealing with my drama…at which point i would have decided he was a crap friend.

then i wondered if i should just give up on having close women friends…but now that i’m older, maybe it’s more difficult to find male friends as well?
all of them married or worse….
ack!

meanwhile, i hold everyone to an unrealistic ideal and run and hide at the first sign of rejection.

and i spent my whole birthday crying because i just wanted someone in my life to be the one planning my birthday for me.
as scary as relationships are
it sucks being alone.

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