some may think I'm just a fool tilting at windmills, but maybe I'm not
i know i’m not
a complete
monster
because
as much
anger i feel
&
as much
vengeance i seek
i still worry
i will hurt your
feelings.
my reaction to yesterday’s post. i want to be mean…but i can’t be mean. bleah. i really don’t like hurting people.
i’m a retired siren.
i don’t want anyone crashing up on my rocks anymore.
however, even though i am comfortable ghosting
i don’t want folks to get the wrong idea.
i want them to know i’m pissed off.
i guess i need to find that line to walk.
i feel like
to survive my lonely
i have to isolate
to weed
out
every half-assed friend
& insincere
acquaintance
who only seems to care
when there is something
in it
for them
because
when i feel alone
i feel
even more
alone
for all the people
who fail me.
might be my inner pariah talking, but i find when i feel alone, all i want to do is isolate. like throwing out the junk food when you are starving.
hmmm.
so i find myself dumping my friends who aren’t really my friends.
and i am being fair & giving them the benefit of the doubt. i’m not just making heads roll…but still, what friends i have are not meeting even my lowest of standards.
i need new friends. substantial friends. no more junk food.
how does one go about meeting authentic people?
it’s like when you’re waiting
for him to call
so you can break up with him
…but he never calls
& you realize
for how much you just
hate him
for breaking your heart
he barely thinks anything
of you….
i’m sad. going through a friend break-up. we have been friends for almost 10 years. we had a rough patch some months back when i freaked out & withdrew…from her as well as most of my life.
but then i apologized & tried to make it work, but she up & left me for another man…er…i mean, she left me for a man. a relationship. a whole family.
she left me. i’ve been cut right out of her life.
just like that.
you know what? it fucking hurts. it fucking hurts to realize how little you actually mean to someone….
i’m not sure why my illustration turned out so sunny. maybe i’m trying to cheer myself up?
i am two of cups–balance–crossed by nine of cups–success.
what? how can my conflict be success, i think just before a heartfelt compliment, feelings of progress,
& a night out with friends sends me into a downward spiral.
oh
so that’s how.
i think, remembering the therapist who would warn me before giving me a compliment after she realized
i reacted the same to nice words as i did to bad ones.
i am still reeling, i’m afraid. over a week after i wrote this post. i am still struggling to believe i am a good & productive person who deserves praise. this is my longest downward spiral in quite forever…is it my transformation? once i survive this, will i be forever changed for the better? i guess that is what we will find out.
but today finds me breaking ties with a friend who has taken advantage & put me in the position of her enabler…today finds me having to rescue a broken sister even though it is the last thing i want to be doing.
but i don’t want to forget about my own journey. i can’t forget about my own healing. or is this all part of that?
friendship
can be an ugly bird
squatting on a carcass
& laughing
at the people
we love.
this one doesn’t really make a lot of sense. i was angry with a friend who i felt was treating me callously.
i am terribly terribly anti-social. being my friend is not easy. i blame it on my scorpio rising. i just have a nasty sting when provoked.
so
this journal page happened because i felt slighted.
don’t even get me started on my across the street neighbor….
in other news…inappropriate comics with pandas!
i’m not sure about this one…i was thinking of the sound of music for some reason & pandas & well, this just kinda got away from me. i apologize. i think it is the most recent stay-at-home order making me extra inappropriate.
drinking a whiskey
with my dead
listening to echoes
in my head
light a candle
pour the drink
leave the music on
it’s too quiet to think
for clear reasons, i rarely rhyme my verse. but this one just kind of happened that way.
remember that time i spent the summer living on the land of a member of the ho-chunk nation? a man named reykunami? he spent most of the summer complaining to me about my friend whom he was dating on & off. their on & off again dating cycle ended two days after i wrote this art journal page. she texted me to tell me he had taken her out for margaritas to celebrate the day of the dead. so i wrote this verse. two days later she texted me to tell me he had died. he just laid down on his couch on a warm november day and never woke up again.
the ho-chunks call this “walking on.”
reykunami walked on.
i have conflicted feelings. he was a bit of a son of a bitch & reminded me a lot of dusty in his manipulations…but he had a good heart & did a lot for the rights of nature… and he led such a colorful life!
next year i will make sure to share my whiskey with him.
missing my would-be friend…
an art journal page because i’m saddened by the death of a person i really would have liked to have taken the time to know better.
sadly, he committed suicide & all i am left with is regret…i wish i would have reached out to him & shared my own darkness with him so maybe he would not have felt so alone & so lost.
an art journal page…
you ever think back to that person who was once upon a time your best friend & wonder what if you’d been more than friends?
Quixotic Mama 