all of me

i just wanted to see
if i could fill up
a page
with me

originally posted on february 1, 2018

another one for the invisible exhibitionist.

IMG_2463

i have been sick all week. plus i did a 10 hour roadtrip to a small iowa town & then did a four hour roadtrip  with picnic & half-assed hiking the next day to pick up the minions.
i totally want to move to that small iowa town…but am having trouble finding a rental or other living space…. i’m trying to trust & to not freak out about it.
but i am freaking out a little.
which makes my head cold that much worse. & my minions are also sick. so i am not able to rest much.
i have not been drawing or writing much at all in the past week. i’m tired. i’m so super stressed out sick. oh–& i have the menstrual cramps real hard.

i have been wanting to re-do “all of me” for awhile. it’s one of my favorites. i like how it turned out.

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don’t walk away

though i feel comfort
at the thought
of a no-more
a
never-more
i am invested
in this story
& long to know
how it will
unfold
will i laugh?
will i cry?
i will not stop
turning the pages
of my life
even if at times
i feel
like
setting the book
down
& walking
the fuck
away,
i come back
i come back
i pick up
where i left off
my story
this
is not
the end.

originally posted on august 31, 2018

another one towards the one day realization of the invisible exhibitionist.

i tore up so many versions of this. i am still not completely happy with the final…but there is a lot i like about it too.
i am not sure why i went with lewis carroll’s drawing of alice for this one. i do know that i have always loved this illustration. when i re-did it, i worked from my version of the illustration, without looking at his, which is my habit. to work from my own art that i first borrowed from someone else….
if that makes sense.

anyhoo!
i noticed that this as well as my last post are about survival & not doing myself in as the little voices sometimes suggest…so that’s nice.

yoga with quixotic mama

camera focus
on me
lumpy bumpy mama body
well-worn
yoga clothes
(or, you know
clothes that are being worn
during yoga)
mystery stain on the yoga mat
camera pans out
to “lived in” room
walls covered
in taped up kids’ art
watch as i do yoga
while four children
scream
in the background
watch
as i am knocked down
from tree pose
by a squealing seven year old
crawled under
while in warrior one
while in downward dog
i am a fort
for a five year old
watch
as i try to stay calm
keep my zen
as a ten year old
talks over the yoga video
to tattle
on his big brother
watch
my imperfect poses
my fighting back
against a mental
breakdown
watch
my “lived-in” life
on a you-tube channel
that will either inspire you
or be a comic success
watch
as i leave my yoga mat
for a snort of whiskey.

my art journal is taking an interesting turn. it is expressing stuff found in my every day lately, things that happen outside of me–rather than living solely in my festering thoughts.
you know, still got the festering thoughts, but a bit of the reality in which they wander their every day.

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