obsolete

i
am
pointless
a redundancy
a misplaced narrative
that does not need
to be found
not really
just
let me gather dust
in a corner
forgotten
impotent
obsolete.

i have been super depressed the past few days. the world, of course, is a mess. i, of course, am a mess. my parenting skills are questionable. my relationship attempt with the ex crashed & left me heartbroken…again.
but i was so tired of myself
that i couldn’t even journal
so i just kept spiraling downward.
but!
i picked up my pen yesterday & managed to write these few words.
& that totally helped to exorcise demons & sweep away dark thoughts.

in related news, i am trying to start a creative group of people who can come together for support & encouragement. i got one text this morning after posting a classified on our little town’s local listings. yay! & i got support coming in from the community center i keep my freestore at (yes, my freestore is still a thing.)

moving forward, y’all. moving forward.
sometimes pretty fucking slowly, but moving forward nonetheless.

cut me down

like an apple tree dropping fruit
doing the math in its head
5 + 6 + 4 + 4….
like a walnut tree
chunking its nuts at the ground
chunk!
th-unk!
unsettling
setting off fear responses
fight or flight?
but the squirrels know what to do
they bury the nuts
for later
& if they forget?
the walnut tree renews itself
sending out a taproot
so deep
you can cut it down
but it will grow right back
i always grow back
i am resilient if nothing else
i am that
he cuts me down
over & over again
but i grow back
every
time.

i have been working on fiction stories for my next collection (without having properly finished my first collection.) & wondering about starting a writing group….
i wrote this in my journal as i sat enjoying an autumn day.
but it works as free verse too.
& it’s a true story.

some assembly required

if i move
away
from myself
up a little
spinning
off
from the trap
of humanity
what do i see
who am i
what is it
all
about?

here is another pen drawing done on a hot summer night. i have been paying attention to my color use. i definitely am using more “hot” colors since summer came compared to the cooler colors of spring.
i don’t do it on purpose…it just happens that way.

a half century of me

a week from today i will have survived for one half of a century.
(that is the best way my brain can interpret what is happening)
i have never struggled with a number before…but i really really do not feel like i could possibly be this old.

summer solstice

he comes in
smelling of mown grass
& fading lilacs
showered in crabapple blossoms
raining down
as the fruit begins
to grow
sunflowers bowing
before him
he brings us
long days
and warm nights
tomatoes
peppers
& basil
fireflies & treefrogs

i know it’s like a month away, but my art has taken a turn from spring colors to summer ones. the dirt has been calling to me to plant & plant & plant, & i’ve had to regretfully mow my lawn, cutting down dandelions & violets…. though i did go out to gather as many violet flowers & leaves as i could before mowing (still using a reel mower too!)
i made violet pesto the other day, and now i am hooked on it. mow the lawn & make a yummy snack.

no longer haunted….

i am thinking about this a lot. it seems me & my life are in all sorts of transition.
though i’m not sure how to be me without being haunted, i am willing to find out.

(somewhat inspired by a shel silverstein illustration here)

the end of the world & you

here’s an art journal page from the other day after i watched a huge crow eat some of the peas i planted.
i don’t mind sharing.
i’m not sure who the “you” is in this bit of free verse. hopefully, i will find out one day.

balance doodle

maybe i should not go anywhere without my journal & pens. at least my energy worker/chiropractor had a set of magic markers for me to use when epiphany struck.

here’s the first page:

desperate

when you walked
through the door
it was the best part
of my
every day
you were my best
friend
you were the person
i wanted to tell
everything
everything
i would have plucked
my heart
out of my chest
to show you
so you could see
what you meant to me


you took
what i gave you
& you
twisted it into
some
obscene
version
of what my love
was
you took
what i gave you
& you
gave me nothing
i am
nothing
to you
you took
what i gave you
& you
left me
empty
empty
& desperate
to hear
my dead heart
beat
again.

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