what now?

i was thinking about how i am reluctant
to sketch more ponies
right now
even though i think
i do a good job of it
& it might have more mass appeal…
i think back to that art professor
who was all like
yeah
but what do you
really
want to be doing?

what
do
i
really
want
to
be
doing?

creating stories with my drawings
telling stories
crafting worlds
& characters
merging my art & writings
in the most perfect way
possible.

drawing these pictures,
i wondered, who are they?
what do they want?
what would i do if i set them
free?

new moon haiku

the moon an eyelash
of light drifting through the night
with wishes of you

i am no longer assaulting the man with letters, but i can still journal about him & write love haikus that he may or may not ever see.
last night i sat and watched the moon as she sunk behind the hills of the valley. i found myself wondering why everyone doesn’t stop and just watch the moon set. it’s like a little bit of daily magic. waxing crescent is my favorite because i have a wonderful western view that allows me to see the moon sink gloriously. i can never find it when it is waning as it usually sets in daylight during that phase. but these nights where it is new & waxing…it is magic.
speaking of magic, my tarot cards keep telling me to expect my man to come back into my life. which is a really good sign because usually my tarot cards like to focus on what a fuck up i am. so it is encouraging that they are predicting not only a social life but also one with the man i am already devoted to.

in other news, i started working on my next novel today. this is one i started like 25 years ago and am not sure what it is about. i have almost 15,000 words to start with, so i’m going to write & hope i figure out the plot!

break my heart gently

you know what?
i don’t need an editor because i fucking rock at grammar, etc
what i do need
is a test audience
readers
who want to read my novel
& answer a few questions for me
general feedback
like
do you like me…yes or no?
can you fit your fist through any of the holes
in the plot?
that kind of thing

my only taker so far is my younger sister aka my polar opposite. i am willing to let her read it because she does get me–at least sometimes. and we did come from the same place even though we took different exits (i was vaginal; she was a c-section; i ran away to become a fry cook; she went to college, etc….)

who else wants to read a better life through sock puppets? a darkly funny story of a runaway suicidal mom? yay!
just remember, in critiquing it for me…break my heart gently.

“break my heart gently” ink on watercolor paper. 9X12. suggested price: $45 to $75

a better life through sock puppets

i am still tweaking my novel.

i am still looking for an agent.

also, i would love to trade art for some editorial advice if anyone qualified wants to read it. it’s a quick read at like not quite 58,000 words.
(candice, your name has been dropped a couple of times…just email me if you have time & interest)

in the meantime, what does any novel need if not some illustrations! 🙂

ps. fun fact…though i have written 6 novels, this is the first one i have written in the 21st century using a laptop instead of a notebook, typewriter, or word processor. this will also be the first one to be published.

alone

feeling alone
so
profoundly
alone
triggers
a self-destructive
downward
spiral
&
nothing
makes me feel
more alone
than being
a single
mom.

so basically it’s a negative feedback loop? i think…it’s been awhile since college & learning about said loops. but it is a difficult roller coaster to get off of. that’s for sure.
my kids go crazy & become overwhelming…i deteriorate. i deteriorate & become self-destructive. this in turn causes my children to feel insecure & act out.
yup. negative feedback loop.

in my novel i comment on a dance: 2 steps forward, one step backwards & straight off a cliff….

i feel like that’s where i am.

in other news. i have to research how to write a query letter & a synopsis for my novel in order to catch an agent.
also! if there are any qualified editors out there who want to read through my novel & give feedback in exchange for art, please contact me!

quixotic updates

i am working on this new ink on canvas tentatively titled “foxy.” i really like working on canvas & now that i am down to my last free canvas, i am thinking of buying more for future creations.
that bunny keeps hopping into my art lately. i have even started a children’s book starring him.
fun fact. after i wrote the text for said children’s book, i went to my sun porch, looked out the window, and watched three bunnies eating dandelions in my backyard. i stood & watched for at least ten minutes. if you have never watched a bunny eat a dandelion, you are totally missing out.

in other news, i went through all my journals looking for “fodder” for books & stories. i have decided to focus on one project at a time instead of being easily distracted & starting new projects without finishing old ones. after the children’s book illustrations are done, i will focus on finishing the text & doing illustrations for my novel, a better life through sock puppets.
i am trying to give myself credit for what i have achieved. i let myself be proud of the fact that i found so many random ideas & sketches worth working with! including the above gem from 2016.

so i am not moping. i am rebuilding that fucking tower & giving myself credit for doing a good job with it.
as they say in my home state of wisconsin–forward!

not your problem

he is a problem
you cannot fix
a puzzle
you cannot solve
walk away, babe
walk away

so there is a serious decline in attention paid to me & my art & writings…which is kinda discouraging. hence my lack of color in this journal page.
luckily, my yogi tea keeps giving me support & love (i haven’t been drinking alcohol but have been drinking lots of tea–the yogi tea has little inspirational fortunes on every bag.)
i’m trying to stay motivated…but, then again, if no one is paying much attention to my obsessive journaling, maybe i need to start going in other directions. maybe i am stuck in a rut?
i am totally working on a novel. slowly.
& comics. slowly.
what else?
inkings with free verse (like my journal pages–but for sale!)

any suggestions? what do you all want to see from me?
xo

from my crow’s nest

(i am re-posting this as i totally forgot to include the illustration last time i posted it–oops!)

it took him years
to pull apart
the fabric of my joy
i guess its a credit to me
that the cloth was strong enough
to hold my joy
through so much sorrow
i must be like a crow
stowing away
bits of glitter
& strands of sparkle
weaving them into a nest
to hold my joy safe from all the hard stones
of pain
& isolation
some strange crow
in a fantastic nest…
now an older me
a wiser me
is tasked with collecting my joy
back to me
once more
rebuild the nest
reweave the cloth.

my ex is in my thoughts a lot with two of our children having birthdays in october. i am trying to give myself credit for surviving him. i did survive him after all.
also! in an attempt to value myself, i have decided to start submitting poems, stories, & art to magazines & whatnot. i haven’t actually done it yet, but i do have a list of possible periodicals to pester.
once upon a time i had the hoo-ha to send out novels & novels to publishers…back when you had to supply an SASE with every mailed manuscript. it’s been awhile since i have had the backbone to put myself in the line of fire for rejections…. but, i am working on it.

ps. misha suggested that this was an inking of the sun & the moon 🙂

maybe some visibility?

i am preparing to publish my third book in two years with raw earth ink.
first there was my collection of comics.
next there was my collection of short stories.
now it is time for my collection of self-portraits.

here is what i am wondering.
would y’all pay $45 for a 310 page book of illustrations & free verse mutterings? at $45 a pop, the books would be 8.5″X11″
another option is to go smaller, to 6″X9″ for $35.
or i could kill some of my darlings and cut the number of pages down by about half to make a $26 8.5″X11″

any thoughts?
i am in the process of removing all my self-portraits from this site (a long long process…so many self-portraits!) so that the only place to find an obsessive amount of my self-portraits will be in my upcoming book the invisible exhibitionist.

thank you for any input!

ps. in my attempts to lure money into my life, i have added a “writer/artist for hire” page
if you want to put a testimonial on my for hire page, i would truly appreciate it! just leave a comment here & i will paste it on to that page. thanks!
pass it on….

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