call of the wild

i am a wolf
my yellow eyes glitter
growing brighter
with the moon
closing slighter
with the moon
& you relax
exposing
your weakness
i am a wolf
waiting
watching
stalking
& i tear out
your throat
not because i want to
but because
it is pre ordained
by my
wildness
my instinct
my nature.

i’m feeling extra feral these days it seems. i like the feeling. the moon was coming full as i wrote this. it’s waning now. but i am still waiting, watching with my yellow eyes, deceptively closing slightly with the moon.

sparrow

just like my mother instilled in me a fear of bird lice and tetanus, my dad taught me to hate sparrows. common & pests. sparrows. my dad was an avid birder, putting out bird feeders & bird houses. planting bushes & trees just for the birds. even putting a bubbler in our pond to keep it from freezing so the water fowl could be happy (so much for ice skating…)
a million years later i find myself chasing the sparrows away from my bird feeder, hating myself for it. but longing for the chickadees & finches. the jays & cardinals. wanting to feel special…not…common.
which is funny in its own way because when i read that some people are orchids & some are dandelions and realized that i am a tender, easily damaged orchid…that i am unable to grow in the crack in the sidewalk…i was devastated. i want to be a dandelion…but maybe just for the wishes?
i do not want to be a potted plant in a green house no matter how pretty. no matter how popular. i want to be a wild flower. a song bird. i do not want to be something pampered & kept safe.
i want to be free.
a magical thing.
something glimpsed causing you to gasp & feel a tug at your soul.

my green man dance

i am the eagle
i am the empress
i am the green man
only the warrior
is missing from my spread
i soar above
i embody motherhood
i am the essence of the earth
a feral thing
with bared teeth
i am
who i am
i am
a celebration
of me.

those are the last three cards i drew from my three different divination decks (two tarot & one medicine card deck.) i really should do a fresh spread, but i have been drawing strength from these cards as reflections of me. i am hoping i can believe this of myself. i totally see the green man in me…but i worry i need more of the empress; more of the eagle.
maybe that is the message. to embrace these things that i fear i am lacking.

hmmm.

earth day art

in between a sister have a psychotic break on my couch
waiting for the proof of my book to show up
(both excited & terrified)
& impulsively buying a house
that is at least as damaged as me…
i am working on art for an earth day exhibit
i have too many pieces already,
but it is so calming to thumb through my journals
and creating new pieces from old ones.

by the way
any piece you see here is totally for sale…
let’s say $60 for the 9X12 & $75 for the 12X16
(the story & goddess of creation)

update: the song, goddess of creation, & the story have all been spoken for

the abyss of me

with hopes of renovating
with hopes of cleaning this place up
& inviting someone in
i cleared away
the debris
only to reveal
the extent
of the damage
a crack
to my very core
crap
i don’t know if i’m
habitable
after all
who could live here?
who could love here?
like
“hey–come on in
have a cup
of tea
just mind you don’t
fall into
the abyss of me.”

yup. more reactions to trying to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship should the occasion arise….
sigh.
two steps forward. two steps back.
just dancing by myself, y’all…nothing to see here.

dancing with the fey

we are the children of the fey
with green blood
running in our veins
a wildness
in our hearts
we dance
to a music
only we can hear
we live by words
everyone else
has forgotten
our purpose
is to bring a remembering
to turn our heart’s music
way
way up
so everyone can hear
so everyone
can dance.

i’m reading a book the way of the wild witch & it resonates quite a bit with me most times. some times not as much…but when the author writes about having fey blood passed on from years ago when the fey & humans were yummy with one another…that totally struck a chord with me
i was all like “of course–that’s why i’m this way!”
feral & green & always feeling like i don’t quite fit in….
so that was kind of cool
& empowering.
weird for a reason, y’all.

friendship pains

friendship
can be an ugly bird
squatting on a carcass
& laughing
at the people
we love.

this one doesn’t really make a lot of sense. i was angry with a friend who i felt was treating me callously.
i am terribly terribly anti-social. being my friend is not easy. i blame it on my scorpio rising. i just have a nasty sting when provoked.
so
this journal page happened because i felt slighted.

don’t even get me started on my across the street neighbor….

in other news…inappropriate comics with pandas!

i’m not sure about this one…i was thinking of the sound of music for some reason & pandas & well, this just kinda got away from me. i apologize. i think it is the most recent stay-at-home order making me extra inappropriate.

still feral

here i thought
i was one of you
those peace-loving
justice-seeking
liberals
here i thought
i was like
these people i see
everyday
but
it’s kinda like that time
i convinced myself i was
a morning person
only to find
so much relief
when i embraced the night….
now i look
examine
the path i have been
travelling
all along
the path where i call myself
an anarchist
the path where i find myself
attracted to the celtic goddess
morrigan
who is both life & death
birth & battle
growth & destruction
and
i remember again
my quest for
balance
my need to accept
that conflict is as much
a part of life
as peace
&
harmony
one cannot exist
without the other
it would be
unnatural.

tomorrow is election day in the united states. some people think things will magically get better after election day. i suspect another story will unfold. a less than desirable history in the questionable history of our country.

i am not a liberal.
i thought i was because they tell us we are either conservative or liberal. conservatives being the bad guys & liberals being the good guys. (though my parents told me it was the other way around)
right.
it’s a story like everything else about this country.
conservatives are like giant two year olds who want what they want, consequences be damned.
and liberals are like those three chimps: see no evil; speak no evil; hear no evil…. or ostriches with heads deep in the sand.

that’s my story, anyhow.
as i embrace my feral nature once more.
tomorrow i will vote third party as i (almost) always do in my efforts to push over the see-saw of politics in this country.
& i will hope for the best because
if things don’t change, things are going to change….

change is not death

“If you don’t release something voluntarily, it will cause you pain when it is snatched from you against your will.”

this card was driving me crazy because sometimes it feels like all i do is let things go.
what else can i let go of?
then i caught myself going to a dark
dark
place when i saw a friend’s loving post about his wife.
right? why should that cause me pain??
and that is when i realized what i needed to let go of
my fantasy that i had once had
true love
& had lost it through carelessness…
to stop being angry & depressed about losing something
that was never mine
to begin with.

i journaled about it over on my patreon page (more pages to come) & am trying to process it out.

i also have added a couple of more pages in my new series about being feral.

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