unappealing

the more they ignore me
the louder i tell myself
i never needed them
anyway
the more unpopular
i am
the more inspired
i am
to perfect being a pariah
the less they see me
the harder i try
to stay
invisible
what happens if…
what happens if i fight
that reflex
what happens if i try
to be appealing…
holy fuck
the mere thought of it
goes against
my very fiber
hmmm
maybe “self-sabotage”
maybe
not
giving
a
fuck
is just how i roll…
i’m too fucking angry
to be appealing
to be soft
to be inviting
is there a way
to seek my audience
without
compromising
who i am?

breaking waves

the ocean of me
is trapped
in a bottle
kept on a dusty
shelf
i am the crashing
waves
the storm soaked sea
i am a siren
who has been
silenced
i long to shatter
the glass
of that bottle
escaping his hold
but
he has made me
afraid
of making a mess
he has taken
my boat rocking nature
& left me
feeling
helpless.

contemplations on why i am unable to break the bind that my ex holds me with. i don’t want to be with him, and i wish for a world where i never had to see him again…. but as the father of my children, i have to try to be tame towards him.
but it’s more than that. i feel like he has somehow silenced me. it’s one of the reasons i left him. i am muted when i am with him. i am not allowed to be mean…to be my feral self. he is able to turn me into someone i am not.
but why do i let him do that to me?
that’s the million dollar question.
if i can tame the chaos of my life to meditate on this, i will.
i truly believe, that if i can break the bind he has on me, i will be a better mother & a more confident person.
it’s been almost twenty years of this. such a big part of my life ensnared. it was better for awhile, when i only had to see him on drop offs & pick ups…but since he has been unemployed, he is insinuating himself into my life more than ever…& i let him? why do i let him?
why am i afraid to tell him “no”? why am i afraid to stand up for myself?
i just want to be free again. why can’t i figure out how?

devoured

i saw the wolves
shortly after i made my wish
to be devoured
“i wasn’t serious,” i told the universe
in a bit of a panic
wondering what message i should get
from a moon waxing gibeous
as a wolf stalked before me
behind me
beside me
three wolves at dusk
under an october moon.

odds are they were coyotes, but they looked like wolves to me. and i had just thought how nice it would be to disappear–devoured by a werewolf….
i am used to coyotes being slinking yellow things, but these were tall & bold. i was walking my dog after having a fight with my children. i heard the rustling & turned around expecting deer, but instead a wolf/coyote ran across the road several yards away. another started to follow but stopped when she saw me. i stood tall; she stood tall. and then she disappeared again. as i turned to leave, i saw yet another one running on the hillside next to the road.
i believe in signs from the universe.
maybe i am being told to be careful what i wish for?

call of the wild

i am a wolf
my yellow eyes glitter
growing brighter
with the moon
closing slighter
with the moon
& you relax
exposing
your weakness
i am a wolf
waiting
watching
stalking
& i tear out
your throat
not because i want to
but because
it is pre ordained
by my
wildness
my instinct
my nature.

i’m feeling extra feral these days it seems. i like the feeling. the moon was coming full as i wrote this. it’s waning now. but i am still waiting, watching with my yellow eyes, deceptively closing slightly with the moon.

sparrow

just like my mother instilled in me a fear of bird lice and tetanus, my dad taught me to hate sparrows. common & pests. sparrows. my dad was an avid birder, putting out bird feeders & bird houses. planting bushes & trees just for the birds. even putting a bubbler in our pond to keep it from freezing so the water fowl could be happy (so much for ice skating…)
a million years later i find myself chasing the sparrows away from my bird feeder, hating myself for it. but longing for the chickadees & finches. the jays & cardinals. wanting to feel special…not…common.
which is funny in its own way because when i read that some people are orchids & some are dandelions and realized that i am a tender, easily damaged orchid…that i am unable to grow in the crack in the sidewalk…i was devastated. i want to be a dandelion…but maybe just for the wishes?
i do not want to be a potted plant in a green house no matter how pretty. no matter how popular. i want to be a wild flower. a song bird. i do not want to be something pampered & kept safe.
i want to be free.
a magical thing.
something glimpsed causing you to gasp & feel a tug at your soul.

my green man dance

i am the eagle
i am the empress
i am the green man
only the warrior
is missing from my spread
i soar above
i embody motherhood
i am the essence of the earth
a feral thing
with bared teeth
i am
who i am
i am
a celebration
of me.

those are the last three cards i drew from my three different divination decks (two tarot & one medicine card deck.) i really should do a fresh spread, but i have been drawing strength from these cards as reflections of me. i am hoping i can believe this of myself. i totally see the green man in me…but i worry i need more of the empress; more of the eagle.
maybe that is the message. to embrace these things that i fear i am lacking.

hmmm.

earth day art

in between a sister have a psychotic break on my couch
waiting for the proof of my book to show up
(both excited & terrified)
& impulsively buying a house
that is at least as damaged as me…
i am working on art for an earth day exhibit
i have too many pieces already,
but it is so calming to thumb through my journals
and creating new pieces from old ones.

by the way
any piece you see here is totally for sale…
let’s say $60 for the 9X12 & $75 for the 12X16
(the story & goddess of creation)

update: the song, goddess of creation, & the story have all been spoken for

the abyss of me

with hopes of renovating
with hopes of cleaning this place up
& inviting someone in
i cleared away
the debris
only to reveal
the extent
of the damage
a crack
to my very core
crap
i don’t know if i’m
habitable
after all
who could live here?
who could love here?
like
“hey–come on in
have a cup
of tea
just mind you don’t
fall into
the abyss of me.”

yup. more reactions to trying to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship should the occasion arise….
sigh.
two steps forward. two steps back.
just dancing by myself, y’all…nothing to see here.

dancing with the fey

we are the children of the fey
with green blood
running in our veins
a wildness
in our hearts
we dance
to a music
only we can hear
we live by words
everyone else
has forgotten
our purpose
is to bring a remembering
to turn our heart’s music
way
way up
so everyone can hear
so everyone
can dance.

i’m reading a book the way of the wild witch & it resonates quite a bit with me most times. some times not as much…but when the author writes about having fey blood passed on from years ago when the fey & humans were yummy with one another…that totally struck a chord with me
i was all like “of course–that’s why i’m this way!”
feral & green & always feeling like i don’t quite fit in….
so that was kind of cool
& empowering.
weird for a reason, y’all.

friendship pains

friendship
can be an ugly bird
squatting on a carcass
& laughing
at the people
we love.

this one doesn’t really make a lot of sense. i was angry with a friend who i felt was treating me callously.
i am terribly terribly anti-social. being my friend is not easy. i blame it on my scorpio rising. i just have a nasty sting when provoked.
so
this journal page happened because i felt slighted.

don’t even get me started on my across the street neighbor….

in other news…inappropriate comics with pandas!

i’m not sure about this one…i was thinking of the sound of music for some reason & pandas & well, this just kinda got away from me. i apologize. i think it is the most recent stay-at-home order making me extra inappropriate.

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