it’s all inside
the whole world
& i can feel
all of it.
i don’t know about you other ladies out there, but my ovulation rocks. will i miss it when it goes away? or is there something else out there in my crone years–a different electricity?
the more i open myself up to feel, the more i feel. it can be pretty awesome. i have noticed this pattern of feeling extra open & extra electric a couple of weeks after my period.
so now i have to figure out how to understand & accept this open & alive feeling without compromising myself. how to celebrate my fertility & not just give it away to someone else.
you know, unless i make a conscious decision to–instead of letting my ovaries do my thinking for me.
because as soon as i feel that electric feeling, i start looking for someplace to put it. and maybe i just need to hold onto it. harness it into my life, my art, my creations…so, like, instead of manifesting something in my uterus…i want to use that energy to manifest something in my art, in my day, in my world.
of course i’m falling down
try to walk around
with this broken heart
of course i need time
to rest; to heal
carrying the weight
of my bruised & battered
i need my cocoon right now
but y’all know what happens
when this worn down
broken & struggling
creepy crawler gets a chance
i guess if i’m going to let dusty break my heart for nine or twelve years, i can go ahead and take a week–or however long i need, goddammit–to recover.
back in the last century, after seymour & i broke up, i was seeing a therapist who started pushing pills on me because i was depressed. i fired her saying, “of course i’m fucking depressed, i just broke up with my fiance.”
it’s like in this culture you aren’t allowed to suffer through anything. it’s weird to just suffer through. instead, here, take a pill.
suffering is part of healing. i don’t give a fuck what anyone says. i have to be sad right now. my second marriage (though it legally ended in 2010 & physically ended last year) just ended for me. i still had a little bit of hope for a happy ending hiding somewhere in my mind.
that hope just died.
of course i’m fucking depressed. of course i just want to sleep & do nothing else. and you know what i realized this morning? as much as possible, i should sleep & do nothing else. i should take care of myself. i should give myself time to heal.
so listen up world, i’m going to give myself time to heal. i’m not going to rush it or feel like i have to push through the pain or sedate** the pain.
i’m going to feel it.
feel the pain so i can feel how fucking good it feels when that pain goes away.
**(please note that i am not a medical professional, & i do not suffer from clinical depression or reference clinical depression when i do reference depression. also, i am being more metaphorical than literal…though i did have two unmedicated births, i cannot make it through a migraine without taking a tylenol.)