fallen XV

passions
run high
in this household
we
are a stormy
group
when the world seems most
daunting
we feel a pull
to quest
to conquer
storms roil
& rage
inside of us
when the world
is calm
we fret
& fight
amongst ourselves
awaiting
the next outbreak
to ease our
tensions
we are the stormbringers
loosing
our turbulent
selves
on an unsuspecting
peace.

me & my minions. so much a force to be reckoned with.
i once said of my boy, iggy, “he could make a saint swear.” and now i have poppy who sometimes makes iggy look like a saint.
you might think i exaggerate. if you do, i invite you to spend the weekend with us. (bring alcohol!)
and in that, i have realized i am dreaming if i think i can find an intentional community that we would fit into. so…plan b? who has a plan b?
um.
i thought, while trying to fall asleep last night, if i had the skill to do so, i would set up a site where single parents could meet & share resources. like even finding housing together, etc.
does this exist? if so, please point me in the right direction.

fallen XIV

it always seems
i am looking
at myself
from a place
other than
me
taking notes
making
observations
i am my own diane fossey
studying
the mountain gorillas
of my mind
i am always
removed…
maybe
i need
to come down
off
my mountain
&
get
dirty
with my human
self.

i am turning myself into a work of fiction for my fallen series. this is an interesting development for me. i mean, it’s me…but on a fictional level. i am sure other writers are familiar with this. becoming their own characters. being a character…as well as the creator. this isn’t the first time, of course. all my life i have been a character in my own story.
okay, several characters, depending on which voice is narrating.
the fallen series is just a new flavor for me…(new flavor of me?)
i like it.

fallen XIII

no wonder
you think
you don’t like people
yet
are strangely
fascinated
by them
no wonder
you think
you’ve always
believed
you could fly
that there was more
than just shoulder blades
sprouting from
your back
no wonder
you think
lights go dark
bulbs explode
when you walk down the street
electricity never behaves
when you are
around
no wonder
you think
you could always hear
the whispers
of trees
& suffered
the wrath
of disgruntled fairies…
you watch
as the puzzle pieces
snap
snap
into place
a complete
picture
is forming
a picture you have avoided
looking at
for
your
entire
life.

using second person in place of first person is so much fun. i mean, since i am always looking at myself from a place other than me…it just works out for me.
(i just totally wrote an art journal page about that)

this exercise is working its way into being a full-length work of fiction (lets call it fiction.) i am pretty excited about it.

i really should shower more often

so i got up this morning
as usual
way earlier than i would want to
to feed & water the critters
and also the livestock
as i drank a cup of coffee
i read the works of
other
writers
and one story i read
started an itch
in my brain
i was both envious
& inspired
but the idea did not leap from my skull
fully formed
until i was in the shower
where it sprung
along side ideas for a journal page
& plans to finally finish my patreon page
it sprung
the first chapter of my
novel form of
fallen.
(duhn duhn duhhhhhhhhhhnn)

so, yeah. i really need to shower more often.
also, i will update you on the patreon page.

image is a throwback thursday done in ink & pastels

fallen XII

it wasn’t until i became a mother
that i stopped
doing
whatever i wanted
whenever i wanted to
although
that is not
entirely
true
after all
i was the type of mother
i wanted to be
ignoring parenting magazines
& how-to books
to do
instead
what i wanted to do
what i thought
best
however
motherhood did slow me down
& throw up
roadblocks
no more
instant
gratification
i had to start playing
the long game
because
really
i do still follow my desires
& live my life
the way
i
decide
but this motherhood path
this path
is
definitely
more tricky
to
maneuver.

this verse, this concept, and even the illustration are terribly rough. (you ever use your hair to cover up a pimple or a bald spot? yeah, that’s kinda what’s going on here….)
man, i even resorted to using some white out–i almost never do that–you know, choosing to live with my mistakes is one reason i use ink. but i really fucked this one up.
i did not write it intending it to be part of the fallen series…but due to its topic being “desires”…i felt it fit.
if anything makes me the devil, it is my determination to follow my desires. as well as my encouraging others to do so.

i feel i should explore this further, desires vs. motherhood. motherhood definitely puts a kink in one’s dreams–even if part of those dreams were to be a mother…cause little demons, they aren’t always what you expect & plan for.
yes, this thought needs fleshing out.

fallen XI

sometimes
i want to
watch
the world burn
as i drink
the blood of my
enemies
other times
i’m happy
lazing about a meadow
wild flowers
in
my
toes
finding dinosaurs in the
clouds…
you know
before setting the world
ablaze
& using my enemies’ skulls
as
goblets.

life is just so much easier as the devil than as a single mother of four isolated in the flat lands of illinois.

this is the second version i did of this one. usually i will go with the first version unless i royally fuck it up. but every once in awhile, i do a second version because i cannot bring myself to post the first one.
this was a case of that.
i liked the first version, but i was a bit frumpy in it.
jesus, i’m frumpy enough in real life, i thought to myself. if i’m going to be the devil, i want to look good doing it.
so here is my version of my looking good.

and i drew clothes on me for those of you who think i always do nudes because i’m too lazy to draw clothes (ha!)

fallen X

your whole life spent
in punishment
for your sins
did you choose
parents would would not
love
you
naturally following
a choice of men
who could not
love
you
to draw the
conclusion
you
are
unlovable?
your punishment
your sins
your wrongs
you’re wrong
you have not
sinned
you do not deserve
this
hell
you lock yourself
into
no
no more shackles
no more self-flagellation
you are
lovable
you do deserve
love
spread your wings
you sexy
beast
spread your wings
&
fly.

catholicism, that double-edged sword–messed me up a plenty, but also gave my art & writing a flavor that i love.

fallen IX

i am wrath
i am punishment
i am the truth speaker
i wreak
havoc
on those
who prey so easily
on tender hearts
it is a cosmic
joke
that we all pretend
to be so
“human”
so civilized
no longer animals
something
“better”
we have forgotten
what we really
are
it is time
to
remember
i think it is my purpose
to remind
us
&
i wonder
will you see that as a punishment
or
a reward?
chaos
or a return
to order?

some deep & incoherent thoughts for you from my devil persona. i have all of this going on in my head, translating it is tricky.

fallen VIII

it isn’t all fun & games
when you’re
the devil
when your darkness
oozes & embraces
for one thing
you can feel
all the pain
in the world
you feel it
so intensely
& you no longer know
how to need
you long to feel
human
but you shut down your
humanity
you had to
in order to not collapse
under all the
torment
you can still feel
the desperate
lonely
your own desperate
lonely
but you cannot convince yourself
to
need
the antidote
is need
you need to let yourself need
but
you
can’t
you
won’t
for you to need
is a dangerous thing
that will rip open
too
many
wounds.

i am exploring need in my working the healing wheel. i have realized that i do not let myself need anyone. if you ask me, i will state, “i do not need anyone.”
and in my head, this is true. there is an exit strategy in case of loss. for everyone i know, i have instilled an exit strategy in case i lose them.
i suppose there is something deeply wrong with me
that i refuse to need anyone.
so, weirdly enough, i have realized that i need to learn to need…but i have no idea how to do that.

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