a slightly tilted me

something about me is off
a shifting
my magic is askew
yesterday
i was ignored by a librarian
& rebuffed by a mechanic
normally
strangers are strangely nice to me
yesterday…not so much
yesterday i forgot & left the lid
off of one of my temperamental pens
so intent i was on doing battle against
naughty cats
& my pen dried out
& my other pen wouldn’t work
& i felt as if my hands were cut off
yesterday i kept trying to continue a conversation
that i don’t know why i’m having it
but i keep trying to connect
where maybe there is no connection
maybe i am a solitary
witch
& maybe i mess it up
by fighting it
by always fighting
my life & ways….

i recently ordered a new copy of everyday magic & gave my old copy to my son. i ordered a used copy of it and when it arrived there were post-it notes marking all of the love spells. it’s weird. you would think that whoever brought in the used books would have removed all of these post-its. they are sticking out of the book all over the place…. i felt sad for the previous owner of the book. so desperate to find love…and apparently she gave up.
then i started to wonder. maybe the post-its are for me? maybe i was sent a book full of love spells for a reason? maybe i am doing this all wrong? my life….

i feel like i am doing everything all wrong lately.
trying to online date. exposing myself to the callousness of strangers. making myself too too too vulnerable.
trying to connect with people on facebook (yes, i am back on facebook because i am trying to promote mistress of mud–a lovely lovely book i illustrated)
however, i joined a women homesteaders group recently on facebook. because, well, i’m a woman. i homestead. i am desperate for community. and then i’m over-connecting. it’s weird. this fine line for me. wanting to connect…but not wanting so much exposure. wanting to be noticed while i stay safely invisible.
commenting & posting, i feel over-connected.
exposed.
and i start to wonder if i should just say “fuck it” & get off of this over-connected mass of loneliness we call the internet. live in real time.
(but here i am…blogging about it instead)

and i was contacted by a guy on okcupid. it went against two of my rules for me to contact him back. his profile picture (& only one) was of him shirtless in bed. my “eww” rule. also, he had barely written anything on his profile & he had only answered the minimum of match questions. so i couldn’t do my “deal breaker” look-see in his match questions. like guys who don’t believe in evolution…or racist/sexist guys…or anti-feminism guys. that sort of thing. oh! guys who think you should never be comfortable farting around each other. what the what?
so i broke my rules to contact him back. why? he’s a redhead. something in the way he looks in what may or may not be his real profile picture.
so i message him to see what he wants.
he says he would “love” a conversation.
so i try to start one…& he won’t let me. every time i try to start a conversation, he responds in the bare minimum of words possible.

i think he might be an alien.

so that up thar is a picture of my first black lamb with her daddy. i always wanted a black lamb. ever since i was a little girl named “mary.”

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here is her twin with his mama.
lambs are so cute.
i look at them & think, “how am i supposed to eat you?”
like i’m the big bad wolf.

so i need to figure out what is askew in my energy. too much alcohol while the minions are away? over-exposing my solitary witchy ways to the world at large via internet? still not being able to embrace chaos though i have cats & kids & goats eager to be my companions on that path? running away from myself?
am i running away from myself?
who am i?
who am i?
what do i want?

fuck a duck.

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new moon, new season, new beginnings

after these three pictures are done
there will just be five more pictures left
which is very exciting to me
i am a little over my deadline–
the autumn equinox (tomorrow)–
but i think my work is good?
ish.
i mean, i sometimes hate it…but oftentimes i feel
empowered
yes
empowered by it.
witchy woo and goddesses
and my minions now look at the bunny and say,
“the moon!”

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i closed down my facebook page, my personal one, that i started when i abandoned ship on my original facebook page.
but then i went back, and started it up again–as a back up plan.
then, this week, with depression deep in my socks, i hated everyone for not just fucking taking a minute to “like” the self-portrait you can find in my previous post (and “like” it for fuck’s sakes. it’s cool)
so i shut down the facebook page where i had lots of friends (well, not “lots,” but more than i have on my other facebook page…if you are still following this rant) because i felt neglected.
and i am now on the facebook page from when i first went on facebook…just months before my brother died. the facebook page where i unfriended all of my right-wing friends & relatives before abandoning said ship.

new beginnings.

let’s try this again….

pages one, two, & three

i wrote the following poem/facebook post for my new moon manifestation

internet dating
with it’s oozing
toxic
masculinity
both the profiles
(sports! sports! & sports!)
and the interactions
(ass-hole-io!)
have caused me to swear off men…
a new moon
(new beginnings!)
& an eclipse
(feminine moon blocks out masculine sun)
methinks i should explore
the ambidextrous nature
of my heart.

so ever since i said i’m not dating men anymore, men keep approaching me via facebook. friend requests, message requests, and–today–one “god fearing” man offered himself to me (or any other of the single ladies) on a post i had written about how much internet dating sucks ass. i suspect my frequent postings about internet dating has put me on some sort of demented facebook singles page.
gross.
what really really really pisses me off is that not a one of them took the time to see who i am. seriously? all my information is right there–pagan anarchist single woman seeking other women. how difficult is that to research?
do you research, fellas.
i’m done.
so done.
i just want to do art. hang with my minions & other critters here. contemplate the mysteries of the universe…and not be a single lady.
no more.
i am not single.
i am complex. and amazing. and wonderful.

galapagos

i was inking this one when i realized it is inspired by kurt vonnegut’s novel, galapagos. my brain is just chock full of stuff that erupts onto my paper. sadly, the information stuffed in there isn’t good for much more than that. trivial pursuit, jeopardy, and strange eclectic inkings.

i have been feeling desperately lost & lonely lately. very depressed. my kids have started labeling me as “sad.” like today they said it was “opposite day” and fidgit said, “so you aren’t sad today.”

talk about depressing.

so i’m a mess.
sad.
desperate.
lonely.
lost.

strangely enough…at one point today…i could not get the internet to work. i wanted to title my ink, but i could not remember the name of the novel and was unable to google it. so i texted like four different people, three exes & a sister, to see who knew their kurt vonnegut.
when i didn’t hear back from anyone, i started wondering if the world had ended and we were left alone to sort things out. i suggested this to fidgit–and he was good with it.

and i started to feel less depressed.

is that fucked up?

i’m less lonely if there is no one left to reject me or mess with my head or ignore me?
less lonely with facebook wiped off the face of the earth?

so…maybe i need to seriously curtail my attempts to find salvation through social networking…
i know,
you’ve heard it from me before.

but this time i am serious.

it is the end of the world as we know it…and i need a break from humanity.

and with that, i give you, galapagos.

galapagos1

work in progress

when i was in my late teens & early twenties
i had such debilitating social anxiety
that i could barely carry on a conversation
much less express how i felt in a constructive way
my therapist taught me to approach a situation with this:
“i feel _____ when you _____”
i need to remember this
as well as to examine why
why
i feel that way when you _____.
in this world as i know it.
i see two problems with communication.
those who don’t follow the above advice
and react without thinking
and those who over-think the situation
and never act on it.
my realizing this doesn’t fix anything.
the world seems to continue on with it’s problems
despite my epiphanies…
but i am going to do my best
to examine why i feel hurt when my feelings are hurt
and to just ACT when i see someone else being hurt.
i was going to post this on facebook. but i think i need to severely curtail my relationship with facebook for the sake of my mental health as well as for the sake of my children who are the only ones nearby i can vent at when i have absorbed just way too fucking much of the facebook world.
so from now on i will blog my thoughts and share the post on facebook. if anyone wants to listen to my rantings…or peruse my art…you can always just look at my art and get a more veiled look at my psyche than my journal provides…so if anyone wants a look-see, they will have to leave facebook and come here. i know it is just one link click away…but it’s one click away.
i feel safer here than i do on facebook. i kinda shoot from the hip and choose to try to express myself effectively rather than thinking about how someone might interpret my word usage. i was recently “called out” on facebook (i hate that expression) for using a word. however, i used the word correctly & inoffensively & in referencing my own mental health, but someone was still offended by it. instead of talking to me about it, this person just berated me. and i withdrew, but i refused to take it back.  maybe if she had said, “i feel _______ when you _________” then i would have known that she was responding to me as a human & not just reacting to a word i used in a way  she didn’t like. and i in turn could think about why i felt it necessary to use the word and why i was hurt by her berating me for it.
here is what i am going to do:
i will not use my words to hurt (or if i do it will be clear that i intend to hurt with them–like calling trump an asshole.) but if my words do end up hurting, instead of just attacking me, tell me why you feel that way. okay? let’s have a conversation about it.
so my brain being on overdrive is one reason i have not finished my ink. lately i have been getting at least one a day worked on, but i am stuck on this one. with all of the “oh my god look what trump is doing now” in my facebook feed & in my email, i am shutting down and unable to function. i constantly have that nagging feeling in my head that there is something wrong that i need to obsess about…and then i realize it is everything. i need to worry about everything that is going on in the world.
but actually, what i need to worry about is taking care of my kids and my homestead and even myself–because if i shut down due to internalizing all of the bullshit trump is doing, i will be useless at saving the world.
and i need to do art.
but in the meantime, if you need somewhere safe to stay, here i am. come stay at my homestead. i would love to have my place be  a functional safe haven for oppressed people.
and i will be your ally when i do venture out into the world…even if i sometimes use inappropriate words like “fucktard.”

elephants in the clouds

i suspect that i am an empathetic sociopath.
i suffered a lot of emotional abuse as a child, and now i find it difficult to bond.
with people. with pets.
i think i bond with my kids? i think i do. sometimes i shut down…but then again, my kids can be really overwhelming.
the thing is is that i am so so quick to withdraw. first sign of trouble & i shut down. i turn my emotions off.
i don’t have a lot of friends for this reason. it is difficult for me to make friends. i always have walls…and moats…and trapdoors.
i love the idea of friends.
but i just don’t know how to do it & i always suspect people hate me & then..you know…trap doors.

today i felt this overwhelming & heartbreaking loneliness. i don’t mind being alone, but oh my god i am so lonely.
is it because i feel like i don’t relate to others?
is it because i have trouble believing anyone could really care about me?
is it because there is so much unrest in the world these days?
so much isolation? social media creating isolation? social movement causing isolation?

i went on facebook today and posted this post:

i feel lonely in this world
lonely to my bones
it’s not just me
none of us seem to know how to communicate
how to start a conversation
it is all reaction
and hurt feelings
who is to blame
a witch hunt.
and worst of all
people die…people suffer…people are oppressed
animals are abused and driven to extinction
the environment is destroyed
while we bicker.
can we just start over?
hello, i’m a bisexual bigender white pagan anarchist feminist
single stay-at-home mom on state aid
no–wait–i’m a human being.
different from you, but also the same
& i’m so so lonely.
will you be my friend?

and i immediately felt better. i felt like i put everything out there that i was afraid of saying about myself. those things that might make me troll bait.

this is the crap i do on social media. expose myself. lay everything out and wait to be crucified. fortunately, i surround myself with people on facebook who are understanding & nurturing…for the most part.

either that or they are a little afraid of me.

i have been known to scare people…and i’m okay with that.

& in that vein…here are some clown balloons.

zen garden

social media is a blessing & a curse to people like me. i like having that connection. that easy connection. i like being able to share my thoughts and be inspired by others.

but holy crap. the negativity can suffocate you. the mass negativity. it’s devastating. the specific & personal attacks are even more devastating. seems people are quick to judge, quick to point fingers, quick to react when it can be done in a space such as social media.

i’m guilty too. yes.

so i’m dropping out of groups on facebook that have any sort of angle other than sharing information. and even then, i want it to be information about things that cannot turn political or social. plant identification. i’m still in that group. permaculture…i’m there, but maybe that is pushing it?

today i went on facebook. such a bad habit. i use it for news & entertainment. such a bad habit. but it can be fun and there are people i love there and it is such an easy platform for my art…

it is like an amplifier of what is wrong with us. as a country? as a people? everyone is turned against everyone else. my parents did this. they pitted us against each other because it was easier to control us that way. and that is what our country is. we are all turned against each other. we largely leave alone the group of people we should actually be fighting, and we fight among ourselves.

so fucking fucked up.

i know i am guilty of it as well.

but what would it look like, if we negotiated, compromised, worked together to create laws and guidelines to our society that largely benefited everyone. everyone.
healthcare for everyone.
clean food & water for everyone.
a decent wage for everyone.
equal rights–seriously–for everyone.
better energy for everyone.

you know who it benefits if we are all sick & dying. starving & desperate? you know who it benefits if our environment is destroyed in the name of big oil & corporate greed?

no one. not even the fuckers raking in the money. no one benefits. i don’t care if there is some bunker somewhere where they plan to wait out the collapse of society & the environment. who wants to live in a bunker? seriously.

so that’s what’s on my mind today.
as i shower.
as i ink.
as i bake scones.

you, me, the rest of the world. let’s work together. really. what could it hurt? what do we have left to lose?

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