i can’t play the game

the internet game. i can’t do it. i can’t do facebook. i can’t network. i am terrible at being anything but sincere. and i am completely crushed when my sincerity is not returned in kind. i take people at face value…so if they are disingenuous, i feel like it is a personal attack.

i can’t play the game.

i should be a bronte sister hidden away on the moors. dreaming my silly dreams and never being allowed to interact with others. then i can keep my hopes intact. i could just send my stories & art out in the post and hear back in six weeks as to whether my stories and art will make it to publication.

i can’t do the internet.

i hate how fake i sound when i post about my fucking chickens when i just want to twist their heads off because i have control issues, and chickens are just uncontrollable…unless they are nuggets. i hate how fake i sound when i post about something cute my kids did or my garden when i feel like i am falling apart. when i feel like i am the worst mom ever. when i feel like it is all a sham. why am i even here? what is the point? i just want to pack my bags and disappear.

i can’t do this anymore.

i wonder if anyone else feels like this? that the world has become one stupid photo op? one stupid witty quip. one stupid tweet. one stupid selfie. one stupid picture of what isn’t falling apart in your life. just don’t look too close at that picture and everything will be fine.

or am i truly alone.

on the moors.

with my dreams whipping away in the wind.

death to tyrants.

i’m still a mess.
thank you for asking.
i’m pretty sure no one has even noticed my facebook absence.
i like the word “pariah.”
i often feel like i am one.
pariah.

maybe i shouldn’t live in isolation.
well, we did go to the park today.
so it’s notĀ total isolation.
of course, we drove 15 miles to go to the park.
fuck.
we live in isolation.
in trump-ville, illinois.
okay, not everyone is a republican here, but the votes of this part of illinois are offset by the votes of chicago. this is the red part of illinois.
so red.
and i am here.
a freak.
a pariah.
at the park with my kids….

okay, it wasn’t that bad.
though i have lived in college towns the majority of my life for a reason. i don’t worry about sticking out–too much. college towns are liberal. pekin, illinois…not so much. (up until very recently, their highschool mascot was the “chink”)
fuck a duck.
but small towns can surprise you.
just like liberal towns can surprise you with how white they are
small towns can surprise you with how much they care about you–as a person.
as an individual.

one of the reasons i am so depressed & generally antagonistic
is that i am lovesick
which is extraordinarily dumb
because said person, my unrequited love, is just that
unrequited.
i love him still
after 20 years
or more.
i fucked up a good thing
and now leonard cohen is dead.
(he introduced me to leonard cohen…and yes, i broke down & bought some beer & now i am fuzzy.)

have you ever seenĀ cat on a hot tin roof ? brick drinks to hear that “click.”
that is what it is like sometimes when i drink.
when i am depressed & drinking & just looking for the click.

fuck a duck.

god, i’m grumpy.

shortly after trump (or turnip as i drunkenly typed first) was elected, i was looking at the obituaries and found myself thinking, “ah…the lucky ones.”

anyhoo!
so this is a comic that i thought of today when i realized i could shout, “death to tyrants!” every time i swatted a fly and maybe the universe would carry the action of my killing a small parasite to a realm of the world where that energy could go towards stopping a big parasite….
so i did a comic.
remember, i do comics.
but i really get more satisfaction out of my daily ink blot tests….
hmmm.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑