message in a bottle

i stay on the beach
because
i still have
hope
hope that someone
someone
will find my message in a bottle
the jungle
is behind me
will it be
relief
or defeat?
an end
or a beginning?
when i turn my back
on the sea
surrendering myself
to the solitude
of my forest soul…

so i quit facebook again. i honestly have no idea how to feel about facebook…but i end up feeling
well, feeling empty.
facebook leaves me feeling so incredibly empty.
yet i return to it again & again in hopes that somehow there will be an answer for me. that somehow, someone will know what i am looking for.

i don’t know how to explain it right.

i mean, i realized that facebook interactions can give me support when i have a house full of abusive relatives or when i have a constipated child…but they don’t know how to solve a problem like maria–nor do they even want to.
i see other people get reassurances for their crazy…but, mostly it’s men getting reassured & called brave for showing their crazy.
when i show mine, which i do a lot…i mean how many self-portraits have i done as i try to illustrate my struggle with my inner demons???????
yes, a small handful of people respond to me & my art.
but
mostly it’s crickets.
giant mocking crickets in my head (because i get so little feedback/support for my art/struggle with sanity.)

sigh.

so i wrote this before i quit facebook to explain to myself the reason why i stay on facebook. or social media at all is because i keep hoping someone will find my–

(fuck me, the police “message in a bottle” came on the radio as i was typing this!!!)

–message in a bottle.

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inktober fourth

so i was totally going to work on moses jones and got out my sketchbook for working on her and found an inkstain inside it…and i just couldn’t walk away from an inkstain once i start seeing faces.
you know how it is.

before that i did this ink brush practice picture:

inktober4

and after i did the inkstain one, i had extra ink left over, so of course i had to do one more ink brush exercise:

inktober4(3)

and finian also did another one for today:

inktober4

which of course is fantabulous…
even though i am secretly jealous because he gets much better facebook response than i do. his one inking will earn more likes than all three of mine together.
ah well.
such is the story for the mother of genius children….