it’s all fun & games until someone ends up married

the thing is
you like me
better
when i’m gone
you like
the fantasy me
the unavailable
me
better…
every time i left
you fell in love with me
all over again
every time
i returned
you quickly remembered
what a pain i was in your
ass
maybe you drive me
away
so you can revel
in the pain of losing
me
without having to live
with the pain
of having
me.

this one goes out to ex-husband number one.
he was not one of the narcissistic assholes, he was category #2 of men i find myself with: emotionally unavailable men.
i mean, i guess the narcissists are emotionally unavailable too…but some are just emotionally unavailable, otherwise, not bad guys.

ex-husband number one is totally emotionally unavailable.
you should read my journals. we met when i was just about to leave lexington, ky. to keep me from leaving, he proposed marriage.
on retrospect
that’s a bit extreme. couldn’t he have just said, “i think we have something good here, would you consider staying so we could find out?”
but
of course
he never actually talked to me about his feelings, so….
and–being me–i married him. he barely functioned in our relationship, & we quickly broke up.
i moved out.
then he started half-assedly showing interest in me again.
i moved back in.
then he quickly lost interest again.
so i moved out. moved to texas. moved to georgia. moved to colorado.
coming back to him, over & over & over again.

durp.

then, get this, i texted him recently, being friendly–just friendly–& he wants me back…again. i was like, yeah, i show up with my four kids & you run for the hills.
he texted back, “try me.”
motherfucking fucker fuck.
what is his issue?
at least i’m smart enough now (& no longer interested in being his yo-yo) to keep my distance.
but it still pisses me off.
he was talking marriage…again. is he a sadist? a masochist? delusional?

i know the drill.
i show up, he freaks out, i leave again.
but this time with four kids in tow?

ack.
i can never ever get married again. never. no “third time’s the charm.” fuck that. i can never get married. not only can i not trust that people are who they pretend to be, but also am i just not cut out for domesticity.
i can blame the guys all i like
but truth is
it’s always a relief when those divorce papers go through.

maybe i should get it tattooed on the back of my hand for next time i am getting love-bombed & think that marriage might be fun in a happily ever after kind of way:
remember DON’T get married


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blunt

my life is just
a series
of fuck ups
sorry you got caught
up
in that
maybe
they should just
launch me to the moon
send me
to the bottom of the sea
get me as far as fuck
away
from
anyone
everyone
i can possibly
harm.

i am so very sick right now. in a literal sense. my face hurts from my sinuses being all jenky. so i did end up binging some netflix because i’m not good for much else. but at least i was watching a good show–get shorty–as it has been made into a series now. so totally worth the binge.
and i do like an irish accent.
but here i am sick. and now my washer is broken. amid all the other things i need help with in my life & all i can do is lament that i have no one to take care of me…never did really…and it so totally sucks.
this journal page started as a text to my first husband who has started contacting me again after a long silence that began with my telling him i wanted to smash his head.
i’m not the best ex-wife…or wife…so why do both my husbands keep coming back for more? so confusing.
anyhoo.
i didn’t think i would hear from him again. usually if i just look at him funny he does a quick retreat, much less my threatening the consummate condition of his head.
whatever.
i don’t need another ex-husband in my life.
i need someone who is going to stay
& take care of me…but that is a hard idea for me to swallow…
that anyone would ever do that for me…because…well, i’m me.

a simple but damning curse on mankind.

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