checking in

i have been working on getting my patreon page up & running. i have posted several times for my patrons.
i totally have two patrons!!! yay!!!

i was thinking. for those of you who are as poor as me. if you have a way to do trade, i would totally do that. like i be your patron & you be mine? something like that…i’m trying to figure out a way to be accessible while also making some income.
it’s just a boost to know someone thinks my arts, writings, and random ramblings are worth anything.
it’s nice.

also! i am applying for the sustainable arts award for mother writers & mother artists. it’s a nice award, and the best part is how much i realize i value myself when i fill out the application telling them who i am.

meanwhile, i have gotten to second base with my goat magdalene. she is producing lots of milk which i share with her kid, claudia. claudia gets one teat, i take the other. so i have fresh goat’s milk for my tea.

in other news, i had a weird thing happen last week which i am just getting to in my art journal.
an epiphany? a moment of enlightenment? a breakthrough?

at the very least, a new story, similar to “fallen” in being a fictionalized telling of something real to me–this time about my most formative past life.
so…become a patron & you can hear all about that.

or, just talk to me on google hangouts, & i’ll tell you all about it.

here are some teasers for my patron page:

including a journal page about my little voices and one about my imbolc meditation on longing (for my work on the healing wheel.)
and two pages of illustrations for a collaboration i am doing with benjamin davis on his story fetish.

the image is based on my childhood memory of making my first ever comic series on a chalkboard in my basement. a version of “hey diddle diddle” where the members of the nursery rhyme were some sort of soap opera.

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peeling the onion

what if
my overwhelming desire to be out
of that
relationship
by any means necessary
was not a reflection
on my
ability
to commit…
some sort of self-sabotage…
no, not at all
in fact
a survival instinct
what if
i knew he was wrong
wrong for me
wrong to me
even though on the surface he was
mr. right
what if
my escapist tendencies are all
the only thing
that keeps me from falling
into
the
abyss
of a relationship with a narcissist
not a bad thing
not at all
not something to punish myself for
20 years later
but!
something to celebrate
i
survived.

i’m finding layers, y’all. all kinds of layers. things are not just black & white, good or bad…there is all kinds of stuff going on in the layers.
my energy is shifting.
it’s kinda pretty awesome & i feel a giddy feeling about it. so giddy.

this is a thought i had about a person–many many posts on him. we were together and he said he was my true love and all i wanted to do was run and i did run a couple of times but i tried so hard to make it work and all i wanted was out.
then he left me for someone else. in a pretty fucking cruel way.
and i spent too much of my life thinking i did something wrong & fucked my entire life up by not being able to love him the way i thought i should have loved him.
then, i realized, though he did it a bit differently, he was pretty much the same as all the other charming assholes that my gut said, “RUN!!” about.

funny that instinct. not always a bad thing, running away.

the illustration is based on an egon schiele sketch.

fallen XII

it wasn’t until i became a mother
that i stopped
doing
whatever i wanted
whenever i wanted to
although
that is not
entirely
true
after all
i was the type of mother
i wanted to be
ignoring parenting magazines
& how-to books
to do
instead
what i wanted to do
what i thought
best
however
motherhood did slow me down
& throw up
roadblocks
no more
instant
gratification
i had to start playing
the long game
because
really
i do still follow my desires
& live my life
the way
i
decide
but this motherhood path
this path
is
definitely
more tricky
to
maneuver.

this verse, this concept, and even the illustration are terribly rough. (you ever use your hair to cover up a pimple or a bald spot? yeah, that’s kinda what’s going on here….)
man, i even resorted to using some white out–i almost never do that–you know, choosing to live with my mistakes is one reason i use ink. but i really fucked this one up.
i did not write it intending it to be part of the fallen series…but due to its topic being “desires”…i felt it fit.
if anything makes me the devil, it is my determination to follow my desires. as well as my encouraging others to do so.

i feel i should explore this further, desires vs. motherhood. motherhood definitely puts a kink in one’s dreams–even if part of those dreams were to be a mother…cause little demons, they aren’t always what you expect & plan for.
yes, this thought needs fleshing out.

fallen IX

i am wrath
i am punishment
i am the truth speaker
i wreak
havoc
on those
who prey so easily
on tender hearts
it is a cosmic
joke
that we all pretend
to be so
“human”
so civilized
no longer animals
something
“better”
we have forgotten
what we really
are
it is time
to
remember
i think it is my purpose
to remind
us
&
i wonder
will you see that as a punishment
or
a reward?
chaos
or a return
to order?

some deep & incoherent thoughts for you from my devil persona. i have all of this going on in my head, translating it is tricky.

rick springfield is my patron saint

this is a journal page from just over a year ago, one of several horned images of myself i have drawn

so i was on the third season of lucifer & feeling guilty about binging on a network tv show when i realized that it was based on a neil gaiman character (one of my favorite male writers) thereby relieving me of my guilt.
the tv show has inspired thinking points for me in my latest embracing of my darkness via my “fallen” series.
and then today
after having a friend put 18 hours of music on a thumbdrive so i had music in my car, i realized i had forgotten all about rick springfield.
so i went to google him and realized he has seemingly been creating non-stop since the 80s–when i listened to his music because my big sister was in love with him.
his latest album the snake king, has angels, demons, god, the devil, and the underworld all through it.
huh.
it’s pretty dark & pissed off & has a twangy sound to it–which is not what i expected.
but this is not a review of rick springfield.
it is my own wondering about how when you start looking at the world in a different way, the world is only too happy to comply by dropping crumbs in your path.
being a recovering catholic, i have been both drawn to & repelled by my own darkness as well as any dealings with demons & devils.
since embracing them…new doors are opening & i am being shown the threads that bind us all together.
or, at least, i am listening to rick springfield & thinking deep thoughts.


fallen VI

it’s a relief really
realizing
what
you
are
embracing
your own heart
saying to the
catholic teachings
that tried to school you
in
right & wrong
saying
huh…you were right
women
are
the
devil
but more importantly
the devil
is
a
woman
and, that, my love
is just the very
tippy top
of the
iceberg.

i was having an epiphany when i wrote this page. it all made sense like when you just wake up from a dream knowing the meaning of life.
i will call this an exercise so that it is not overwhelming for you, but it is much more than that to me.
this exercise has opened my eyes & offered me a new way of looking at my life. a new way of looking at the world around me.
i hope i am able to flush it out.
perhaps it will become a book someday….

i have my pandora programmed with a handful of artists & she plays me a random selection based on that…i am amazed at how many songs have references to the devil & demons & angels. i guess i shouldn’t be amazed, it is so much a part of all of us.

we pretend to be “human” but what are we, really? i think we have forgotten.
i, for one, think it is time to remember.

fallen IV

like the rest
of them
you crawled into this world
through a woman
fully expecting
to crawl out again
through grave
you knew you were
different
with your imaginings
of your
stolen
wings
with your hearing
divine
voices
with your little
epiphanies
but all kids do that
right?
angels are wonderful
things
but you always felt
more at home
playing with
demons…
you never expected
that this was a
tell-tale sign
of your
true
nature.

i recently learned about an artist named eveyln de morgan (which is an awesome name.) she did some amazing work. i realized i
actually used her work once before, when i did myself as helen of troy.
this one here is inspired by another one of her paintings, clytie.
she did a lot of religious style works.
i might be borrowing from her a bit more during this series.

fallen III

you’ve always known
you were
different
you thought
maybe
an alien
or an angel
a changeling of some sort
surely
something
mythical
& you are
mythical
as fuck
a beast of many
faces
you are not who you
expected
you would
be
but!
with a grin
& a shrug
you accept this turn
of events.

i’ve always played around with my dark side. i’ve always recognized it & even celebrated it. but this is the first time i have embraced it by making it my identity.
it’s liberating in a way i did not expect.
i have always struggled to believe i was good after being raised by parents who were quick to let us know we were not–in their weird covert catholic way.
i try to be good, but the bad leaks out & terrorizes me, traumatizes me, presents itself as proof that i will never ever be a good person.
i think we all have a devil/demons/darkness inside.
& maybe the more we fight it…push it down…try to “control” it, the stronger it becomes. the more traumatizing to the part of us that believes in good.
but embracing it.
welcoming it
accepting it
this allows a person to be more complete and at peace with themselves.
a healing of sorts.

it’s a theory, and i’m testing it with my art journals.
buckle up, y’all
i have got pages & pages of this stuff.
i’m not sure what to call it…a serial free verse narrative? with pictures!

fuck it, i am so a disney princess

oh my god
look how happy
elsa is
when she sets herself
free
to be
who she is meant
to be
let your hair down
& shimmy
yes
shimmy
elsa
as you
let it go
let it go
oh my god
how right you are
elsa
i need to embrace
my power
let go of the past
& sing
from the mountain tops
with all
my
might.

i will take my epiphanies where ever i find them. where ever i can find them.
& i can actually shoot daggers of ice at people who piss me off…or at least, metaphorically speaking i can so do that.

my seven year old was watching the “let it go” video from frozen on youtube over & over again last night as i pranced around the kitchen singing at the top of my lungs. it annoyed the crap out of my sons, but i felt wonderful. watching that princess figure out who she really is & what she is capable of, was seriously liberating. i know it sounds goofy–i am not at all a fan of disney & princesses…but elsa is something else.

(i’m going to go ahead & say i pulled off being a flapper better than my attempt at being a disney princess. see–there’s a reason i never wear evening gowns & heels)

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