my new favorite word

finding enlightenment in the midst
of a crapstorm
finding equanimity
(a word i just learned)
this is my life
this is my path
no peaceful mountaintop
on which to meditate
i am deep in the valley of chaos
& stronger for it.

some days the clarity is easier to grasp than others, but like my posts about achieving what you need amidst constant setbacks…if i can find peace & balance within this life of mine, i will be able to find it anywhere.

i’m not sure what the image is about. although i did aspire to be a burlesque style stripper when i was five…that or a pro baseball player….

i can do anything

if i can be a good mother
despite an abusive childhood
if i can find peace
amidst the chaos
if i can be happy
when it seems the world would prefer me
miserable
if i can learn to love myself
in this lumpy bumpy body
if i can let other love me
accept me
celebrate me even
despite my lifelong identification as a
pariah
then i can do
anything.

more of the epiphany as it unfolded for me while i lay face down on a chiropractor table. this idea amazes me. that i could do all the work i need to do even when i feel overwhelmed & outnumbered. that feeling overwhelmed & outnumbered could actually work towards my learning how not to feel overwhelmed & outnumbered.
wouldn’t that be fucking awesome?
i am feeling pretty fucking zen right now, y’all.

letting my guard down

how do you let
go
that part of you
that kept you
alive
kept you
safe
kept you strong
at your very
worst
how do you give it
up
once it has served
it’s purpose?
i think
maybe
you hold it in your hand
whisper
“thank you”
& let it melt away
or be carried off
by the wind.

another optimistic post with a distressed looking illustration. last night when i worked on this, i was cursing enlightenment & wishing for a mundane life.
my dreams cheered me up with promises of new possibilities & new tribe members. (in one dream i was totally dating a rock musician whose radio hit song was “my first car was a practical car”…totally not sure what my subconscious was doing there–but it was fun & cheered me up)

letting go

balance
again
i find
a need for
balance
when to let go
when to surrender
& when to be
responsible
not delinquent…
learn how to ask myself
“what is the worst
that could happen?”
and let fate
take its
course….

i wrote this ten days ago when i was all “i’m so zen”
then a few days back, i lost my mind to that rabid bunny that creeps about in the dark places of my mind. i became all about control & trying to make things–force things–to go my way when clearly they just weren’t. i could feel the zen still there under the rabid bunny action…but there seemed to be nothing i could do to subdue said bunny.
until i let go
again.
so it’s finding that balance. between zen & rabies. between snarky & enlightened.
it’s a process…..

maiden, mother, crone II

i am maiden
i am mother
i am crone
i have a maiden’s
heart
i have a mother’s
strength
i have a crone’s
wisdom
the power of three
i am all
i am
everything.

i need to be chanting this mantra daily. i like that the first things i related to maiden, mother, & crone were heart, strength, & wisdom respectively. i also like that i do feel i have all three of these things.
but i do need to keep it at the front of my mind as i work towards the enlightenment i so long for.

i love how this illustration turned out. i had just gone to the house on the rock for a birthday celebration & was blown away by anything carved out of wood. mermaids, madonnas, marionettes…. and the giant squid vs. whale…. and the fucking carousel…i could have stared at it for hours.
so much fodder for future art!

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