out of sorts

holy moly i am so out of sorts.
it’s a january thunderstorm. i quit drinking & facebook all in the same week. i’m already feeling all rejected by the men of “okcupid”–though the men there do seem way cooler than the men of “plenty of fish.” my kids are on overdrive and i keep thinking, “if i can barely deal with my life, how can i ever expect to find someone to jump in & be all–yes! this is what i want.”
other than dusty, who would jump back in in a heartbeat. which is a tempting thought sometimes when i am lonely & frazzled and then i have to remind myself of all the crap he has done to me. all the crap he says to me. and the crap i feel like when he is around.
crap.
and my berkey water filter has quit working.
all while i’m reading future home of the living god. reading books, as an empath, is risky. i get waaaaaay way too into the plot & characters and actually lose myself.
so i am currently lost in a dystopian nightmare.
and my end-of-the-world water filter has gone kaput.

i am so out of sorts.

i’m trying to draw this comic, but my kids are so super needy. plus there is laundry & dishes & food to make.
and i am crawling out of skin.

did i mention the winter thunderstorms of doom?

okay. here is an okcupid story to cheer us all up.
someone from the small town i live in messaged me via okcupid to tell me i should check out his profile and told me how he had read mine twice before he messaged me.
so, hey, he’s not physically my type, but i go check out his profile. first off, i see he is looking for a woman who owns a pair of heels and actually wears them–who dresses up every now & then.
the highest heels i own are on my motorcycle boots.
then he goes on to say in the “message me if…” that a woman should message him if she agrees that she should wear stockings & heels in the bedroom.
he says he read my profile twice?
i go on & on about sustainability in my profile & refer to myself as punk rock.
i don’t have on any make-up in my photos…i don’t even know how to put on make-up. my hair is short & messy–like it always is. (i’m assuming here that if he wants a woman to dress up every now & then he probably expects make-up and hair done.)
and in the “6 things i can’t live without” section, i have listed as my number one thing:  barefeet….
what woman who values barefeet would put on heels ever–especially in the bedroom??
why would dude think i was his type at all?

why not just have “message me if you are a warm body”?

internet dating is so weird.

re-cap:  end of the world, y’all, and my water filter is not working & i am still alone & lonely.
plus i have no beer.

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apocalyptic mama

it seems like so many books i pick up to read
new fiction, this century fiction
by women
so many end of the world stories.
right now i am reading louise erdrich’s
future home of the living god
and then there is lydia millet’s
mermaids in paradise.
i didn’t realize either one was about the end of the world
until i was reading them.

and of course, margaret atwood.

and so many others. so many.
so i was wondering if they know something.
all these women
is it intuition?
then i remembered that i have my own
end of the world story
i have been playing with for many years now.
for those of you not familiar,
this is the first page of my graphic novel
moses jones:  apocalyptic mama

some people act like everything is game on as usual.
but when my kids talk of their future
and when they are grown up,
i can’t help but think,
“will there still be a world,
when you grow up?”
& if there is a world…what will that world look like?

because surely something soon is going to change.

for better or for worse.

cagey

as faux spring passes back into winter
i enjoy the brisk wind
as it pushes against me
and the fire of my brain calms
as my minions go off
to stay with their dad
i embrace my simple solitude
venturing out of the house
only to prove i can.
the anger has softened
the moon is new
i feel,
once again,
like i can handle life.

cagey3

i think it was really tearing me apart that i wanted to celebrate spring, but the spring i wanted to celebrate was actually a dangerous thing that could really fuck up the growing season (not to mention the world)…those beautiful warm days were a bitter reminder that we have an administration in power that wants to go backwards at a time where even going forward isn’t going to stop the damage that has been done. but it’s forward…not backward.

i mean, it’s hard to imagine people of this country, people of the world, embracing a carbon-free lifestyle…i mean, that was difficult enough…now knowing that there are people in power who want to fuck it all the fuck up….

it’s too much for me.

cagey2

warm days in winter spell death to me…not temporary spring…but death.

so as much as i wanted to enjoy those days of 60 & 70 degree weather. it was killing me.

so now that it is cold again, i feel like i can breathe again.
coincidentally, my minions went away to see their dad for a week just as the weather turned cold again.
and i feel like i can breathe again.

i love my minions…but often question whether i can be a mom or not. do i have it in me? was it a mistake? and why even wonder about this when i have four kids and it’s not like i can just say, “hey! do-over!”

but then they go away and i wonder how i would exist without them.

cagey1

galapagos

i was inking this one when i realized it is inspired by kurt vonnegut’s novel, galapagos. my brain is just chock full of stuff that erupts onto my paper. sadly, the information stuffed in there isn’t good for much more than that. trivial pursuit, jeopardy, and strange eclectic inkings.

i have been feeling desperately lost & lonely lately. very depressed. my kids have started labeling me as “sad.” like today they said it was “opposite day” and fidgit said, “so you aren’t sad today.”

talk about depressing.

so i’m a mess.
sad.
desperate.
lonely.
lost.

strangely enough…at one point today…i could not get the internet to work. i wanted to title my ink, but i could not remember the name of the novel and was unable to google it. so i texted like four different people, three exes & a sister, to see who knew their kurt vonnegut.
when i didn’t hear back from anyone, i started wondering if the world had ended and we were left alone to sort things out. i suggested this to fidgit–and he was good with it.

and i started to feel less depressed.

is that fucked up?

i’m less lonely if there is no one left to reject me or mess with my head or ignore me?
less lonely with facebook wiped off the face of the earth?

so…maybe i need to seriously curtail my attempts to find salvation through social networking…
i know,
you’ve heard it from me before.

but this time i am serious.

it is the end of the world as we know it…and i need a break from humanity.

and with that, i give you, galapagos.

galapagos1

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