keeping safe the pain

give your pain
to me
i will keep it
i know how important
pain is.

this is another one where i inked first & wrote after (rather than my usual routine of writing & then inking.) it took me a day or two before i found the words. i thought this thought after reading another novel & finding myself lost in the story, feeling the feelings of the characters to such a degree that sometimes i have to set the book down & walk away from it.

where he begins

the tarot spread
exactly how far
into my head
you have gotten
exactly how far
under my skin
you have rooted
the tarot spread
that i don’t always know
where i stop
& you begin
who’s voice
am i hearing
when all those
terrible things
are said.

i have worked through this by now…. but my ex has a talent for rooting in deep & not letting go. i think i have compared him to some type of intestinal worm in the past.
yup, that hasn’t changed.


i am feeling
instead of killing
i fall
in love.

i have been thinking a lot. go figure. it’s my favorite past-time.
this week, i took two of my lambs, my first two lambs, and i learned how to butcher them.
i had so much anxiety leading up to it. dread. serious contemplations on vegetarianism.
then the time came, and i was fine. i was more than fine. i was doing things i never knew i could do.
and it made me think about how emotional detachment has always been part of my damage…but sometimes…sometimes…it really comes in handy.
i started thinking about “dysfunctional life skills.”
the things we learn in order to survive a fucked-up childhood or an abusive relationship. those weird super powers. sometimes they cause us pain…other times they save us.
i want to explore this more.
but right now i am binging on jessica jones
and wondering why i am so attracted to the character kilgrave. is it just because he is played by david tennant? or is it another part of my damage to seek out other darkness? or is it just that i am empathetic to a fault and want to save those other damaged souls?

an empty house leaves too much time to think.

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