where he begins

the tarot spread
reveals
exactly how far
into my head
you have gotten
exactly how far
under my skin
you have rooted
the tarot spread
reveals
that i don’t always know
where i stop
& you begin
who’s voice
am i hearing
when all those
terrible things
are said.

i have worked through this by now…. but my ex has a talent for rooting in deep & not letting go. i think i have compared him to some type of intestinal worm in the past.
yup, that hasn’t changed.

pool of empathy

i hear a song
& feel
the pull of sadness
at the broken
heart
of the singer
i hear music
& feel
elated & enamored
just like the
musician
in love
…do i need
to turn off
the radio?
do i need to
stop the music
to discover
my own
feelings?
lost in the music
of others
how am i
supposed to know
if these are my tears
if this is my heart
breaking
my heart
singing
when my song
is mixed
together
with
the world
around
me.

ever since i was little i would tell people that i am empathetic to a fault. i only learned in the past few years that i am what is called an “empath.” i feel everything.
everything.
it is overwhelming sometimes. plus, i have to close my eyes when watching violent movies. i just have to think about the scene in diehard II where the bad guy gets an icicle in the eye, and my eye begins to ache a cold ache.
reading stories to the minions, one mention of bedtime, and i start yawning.

i don’t know if this makes me special (i have noticed that some guys have started using “i’m an empath” as a pick-up line???) or if it even matters, but recently i realized–as i listen to music almost non-stop in my waking hours–that i am feeling more than just the music. i am feeling the feelings of the person writing the music. singing the music. i will get crazy sad or breathless with love and not know why.
so now i am wondering…how do i know what i am actually feeling? if i pick up & tune into the emotions behind music so much that i mistake those feelings for my own…how do i sift through? how do i uncover my own feelings?
there is a whole feeling world around me, and i just need to figure out which of the feelings i am feeling are mine.

scribbles

whenever
i am feeling
suicidal
instead of killing
myself
i fall
in love.

i have been thinking a lot. go figure. it’s my favorite past-time.
this week, i took two of my lambs, my first two lambs, and i learned how to butcher them.
i had so much anxiety leading up to it. dread. serious contemplations on vegetarianism.
then the time came, and i was fine. i was more than fine. i was doing things i never knew i could do.
and it made me think about how emotional detachment has always been part of my damage…but sometimes…sometimes…it really comes in handy.
i started thinking about “dysfunctional life skills.”
the things we learn in order to survive a fucked-up childhood or an abusive relationship. those weird super powers. sometimes they cause us pain…other times they save us.
i want to explore this more.
but right now i am binging on jessica jones
and wondering why i am so attracted to the character kilgrave. is it just because he is played by david tennant? or is it another part of my damage to seek out other darkness? or is it just that i am empathetic to a fault and want to save those other damaged souls?

an empty house leaves too much time to think.

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