dirty sponge

like a sponge
i have absorbed
every awful
thing
you have said
&
even some
you left
unsaid
like a sponge
dipped
in a dirty toilet
left
in a puddle
of
excrement
i am
clogged
saturated
suffocating
longing
longing
longing
to be wrung out
rinsed
& put in the sun
to dry.

trying to flesh out those severe feelings i was having as dusty dumped all his grief & abandonment issues on my lap.

burned at the stake…again

the messages come
incessantly
outlining
exactly
what a disappointment
i am
what a failure
i am
tying the ropes
building up the log pile
lighting the match
i am left
to twist & burn
& turn
to ashes
as he takes
every good feeling
i had
& throws it on
the fire
i can scream, “why?”
until
my throat is raw
but
he cannot hear me
& my pleas
go unanswered
“it just is,”
i finally tell myself.
“it just is.”

(true story. yup.)

i don’t want to die

i don’t want to die
though
heavy with sadness
& struggling
to pull myself
out again
i don’t want to die
i don’t want to
escape
me
i want to heal
to grow stronger
to open
myself
to change
depression snuggles
into me like
a favorite sweater
but this time
i am looking
forward
to not getting lost
in it
but to taking
it off again
to feel the cool wind
on bare skin
ready
to grow
again.

this was written as i was getting a barrage of abusive text messages from dusty. i was struggling to keep my head up as i absorbed all the awful things he said about me.
i think i did manage to stay above it
even if sometimes i still felt like sinking….

downward spiral

we are no longer
moving forward
this would not
worry me
as i know healing is a
two step forward
one step back
kind of dance
however
the dance we are doing
feels a bit too
familiar
this
neck-breaking
soul crushing
plunge
of a downward spiral
called you
& me.

moving forward? stuck in fucking reverse is more like it. dusty actually told me he felt we should re-visit the past. funny. i am willing to forgive him all of his betrayals with other women & move forward in healing. i felt we should address what was going wrong in the hear & now with our attempt at a relationship…he, however, feels the need to re-hash something i may or may not have said 10 years ago.
letting go? that man is clutching every wrong i’ve possibly committed & counting them as he sits on my grave.

it’s not me; it’s you

it’s not me
it’s you
it’s really really
you
i have been blamed
all my life
accused of having
a fickle heart
blamed
by others
& myself
for quitting
not really trying
lacking commitment
but
you know what?
when my heart breaks
i feel it
how many times
is someone
allowed
to break my heart
before i am
allowed
to protect it?

another helpful epiphany! fuck everyone who thinks i bail on relationships. i am so tired of suffering cruelty & then being told i deserted someone. fuck that. me & my kids are my number one priority. i’m not going to throw myself to the lions. i’m not going to play the martyr…these boots are so totally made for walking.

gaslit life

i am realizing
i was conditioned
to go
along
with it
when something
bad
happens
just pretend it
didn’t
don’t question it
nothing
happened
don’t challenge it
nothing
happened
no apologies
no explanations
nothing
happened….
but
something did happen
&
i am not crazy
for wanting
to feel
better.

another epiphany with the break up of dusty & myself. i am tired of pretending nothing happened. pretending nothing happened has been made an art form by my family of origin. dusty carries on the tradition. however, i don’t do that to my kids, & i don’t want it done to me.
when i freak out…i apologize & try to let my kids know what is going on with me & that my behavior was not acceptable.

something did happen. how can we heal if we ignore the injury?

impossible

you ask me what
i want
i want to be a family
happily ever after
i want
flowers & rainbows
even if
it’s mixed with
chaos & curse words
you ask me what
i want
but it is what
i have wanted
every day
that
i have known you….
why do you still
insist on
making it
impossible?

i think dusty sabotaged us. i think he continues to sabotage us. i am guessing that deep down, he also believes he does not deserve happiness. i feel sad about this…but i do not wanted to be treated in a cruel & callous way so someone can fulfill their own prophecy.

why so bitter

i find myself
wondering
what i did
that i do not
deserve
happiness
what did i do
that i don’t
get to taste
sweetness
what is it
about me
that screams
“so very not
special”?

with the crashing & burning of yet another attempt to reconcile with dusty…i find myself in this mindset.
why do i allow men/relationships to take me for granted? why don’t i get flowers & fawning?
what is it about me….
this has been something that is deep in the bones of me. do i expect to be treated this way? is that why it is so difficult for me to demand more?

sour

at least i have my art journal….
feeling that desperate pull of loneliness as i miss being able to reach out to dusty.
he’s still there, of course, pretending nothing happened
but it did happen
he did break my heart again
i have to remind myself…
it’s not safe to pretend nothing happened.

inside me

to say the ex & i have communication problems is an understatement.
but i find like i feel like i’m being buried alive when i try & try & try to communicate–& the other party only hears what they want to hear.
i don’t know what to do.
do i give up?
or do i keep screaming?

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