surviving myself

i have a fear of abandonment
you see
like many people do
except
instead of clinging
when i feel forgotten
i alienate
i isolate
i build more & better
walls
higher & thicker
walls
because
you see
if you can’t get in
you can’t hurt me
if i never let you in
you can never
leave
me.

this one is dedicated to the last therapist i fired after he cancelled an appointment with me without telling me why. i was going through a hard time anyway & kinda spun out on him.
at an early age my frankenstein’s monster complex kicked in. “if i cannot inspire love, i will cause fear…”
or just turn invisible as was the case for me.
the more my parents ignored me, the more invisible i became.
my little sister became the squeaky wheel…i became the invisible girl.
my method has literally never worked out for me.
but
i persist. because, for an invisible girl, i am persistent in making myself even more miserable.
now
now i am trying to take some walls down…but even as i do, little setbacks get me to stirring the concrete & setting the bricks anew….

metaphors galore…a good name for a band.

cut me down

like an apple tree dropping fruit
doing the math in its head
5 + 6 + 4 + 4….
like a walnut tree
chunking its nuts at the ground
chunk!
th-unk!
unsettling
setting off fear responses
fight or flight?
but the squirrels know what to do
they bury the nuts
for later
& if they forget?
the walnut tree renews itself
sending out a taproot
so deep
you can cut it down
but it will grow right back
i always grow back
i am resilient if nothing else
i am that
he cuts me down
over & over again
but i grow back
every
time.

i have been working on fiction stories for my next collection (without having properly finished my first collection.) & wondering about starting a writing group….
i wrote this in my journal as i sat enjoying an autumn day.
but it works as free verse too.
& it’s a true story.

letting go

we should be proud
of ourselves
that we gave it
one
last
try
we should not
be so hard
on ourselves
for failing at something
we had little chance
of winning
you & i
just do not
belong
together
we should accept
let go
move on
& just stop
fighting
a truth we may not
agree with
but a truth
nonetheless.

i wish i could say this to him. but i am at the point where i am not even able to talk to him. anything i say–everything i say, he finds a way to twist into something ugly & profane.
i find
i just have to say less & less.
which drives him crazy. that is not my intent. i wish we could have a conversation & work things out.
but after enough circles, i really can’t see a happy ending for us.

the prison of me

i need to break out
of the prison
of me
i’ve built some high
walls
dug some deep
trenches
it
won’t
be
easy
but i need
to be free
of me
(not all of me)
just the bits that
whisper
the bits that
scorn
the bits that kill me
a little
at a time
telling me
i’m not good enough
not
brave
enough
not ready for the world
the bits that tell me
to just
go home
& hide away
don’t even try.

inspired by my tarot card reading that asserts i am creating my own restrictions to my happiness (with some help from the ex.)
but i need to break out of the groove
i have set
for myself
first.
then, maybe, i can stop letting others put me in boxes.

losing

fighting with you
used to be
something fun
to do
but
i’ve lost my taste
for it
now
it is only
heartbreak
& hopelessness
& walking in circles
in quicksand.

don’t spin me right round

the grooves are set
deep
so the song will play
flawlessly
he loves me
he loves me
not
he doesn’t want me
i fall apart
i put myself
back
together again…
the record spins
round
i recover
i always
recover
until the song plays
again.

pointless

no one ever loves me
best
so it’s these
rare times
i don’t feel
invisible
that i fall in love
with you
all
over
again…
but before long
i am the
third wheel
a forgotten
point
on your triangle…
invisible
again.

hopefully this is the last “another break-up with dusty” post. hopefully i have worked through all the crap…again.
i did put myself back on okcupid.
good idea or bad idea?

rotten

all i ever wanted
even
before i met you
was to be
a family…
with you
i thought we would be
always & forever
us…
did you ever
want me?
i wonder now
remembering all those
side projects
of yours
people who needed
saving
people
who weren’t
me
i wanted you to save
me
you
had other people
to do…
maybe the dead thing
i smell rotting
is me….

something that has happened repeatedly with dusty is my need to be seen & celebrated & his choosing to focus on other people.
random people
anybody, really, who wasn’t me….

warrior mother witch

i
am not
your victim
i
am not
anyone’s
victim
i know who i am
i know what i am
i am warrior
mother
& witch
never
ever
victim
i choose where
i am
i choose
my own path
& i refuse
to walk
in those shoes.

a new friend who is a bit of a new age zealot told me i needed to stop being a victim when i described to her how my empathetic self felt it had absorbed too much of nate’s angst.
i do not like being called a victim.
i watched my mom spend her life as a victim of my dad, & i have never let myself be anyone’s victim.
yes, people have done bad things to me. but i have rescued myself. i always rescue myself.

where he begins

the tarot spread
reveals
exactly how far
into my head
you have gotten
exactly how far
under my skin
you have rooted
the tarot spread
reveals
that i don’t always know
where i stop
& you begin
who’s voice
am i hearing
when all those
terrible things
are said.

i have worked through this by now…. but my ex has a talent for rooting in deep & not letting go. i think i have compared him to some type of intestinal worm in the past.
yup, that hasn’t changed.

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