running to you

journal entry about dusty.
we have been getting along so well, that i now feel sad when he leaves…& not sad like, “i wish things could have been different” but sad like i’m missing him & wishing he could stay.
so weird.
we have had our ups & downs & on & offs…but they always followed the same destructive pattern.
this time really truly is different. i’m not just saying that to try to convince myself it is true.

coincidentally, today would be our 17th wedding anniversary if i weren’t so good at divorcing people.

always the same

got into a scuffle with dusty the other day that, thanks to our both being crazy (4’s on the enneagram if you are into that) & having so much history being crazy together, escalated into a brawl before finally settling down again.
i wrote this during that storm.

i like digging holes

i buried you deep
in the cold
cold
ground
i buried you
like trash
but dug you up
like treasure
i buried you
a seed
in the ground
a bucket of compost
i buried you
& waited
not really knowing
but secretly hoping
something
anything
would
grow.

a bit of a mash-up of annie lennox & alice merton, apparently….

things continue to be confusing between dusty & me. he is having sleep overs & one morning he was all grumpy as fuck & i was ready to dig that hole again…but then he apologized & talked to me about what was going on….
so weird.
more journal pages as this unfolds….

my mourning dove heart

is it spring time
the end of the world
or is it just
that i mate for life?
i cannot get dusty off my mind
obviously i did not bury him
deep enough…
or we are
unwilling
soulmates
after all.

moses jones page thirty-eight

so i did this page of moses jones in the last semester of art school i was able to attend (fall ’15) before my relationship with dusty exploded & i left madison & the university there without getting my degree….

i did this on a large sheet of paper as my professor always wanted us all to “go bigger!”
so, again, crappy quality due to my inability to properly scan or photograph my art.

this is the last page of the second episode. then episode three began with a reuniting of moses & dusty as my real life relationship was on-again.
then, it crashed & burned & i tossed out the episode three story line & started all over.

stay tuned….

moses jones page five

i just saw my dusty yesterday when he came to pick up the minions. i still have so many conflicted feelings about him. love & hate are so intertwined in this relationship.
ack!

funny story. when i did the prototypes for moses jones, he noticed that there was no father figure in the story. so, feeling warmly towards him, i created “dusty knickers.” i totally did not plan on his being this exact character…but my subconscious took over once again.
the real dusty is physically present–but emotionally ran away a long long time ago.
sigh.

INKtober twenty-first

leftover love
stuck
in the corners
of my
heart
like those spiders
living in my window panes
i just try to pretend
it is normal
accepted
and not really happening
leftover love
do i warm it up?
or let it stay cold
pushed to the back
of the fridge
growing
crusty.

a poem about my housekeeping skills…or lack thereof?

after another close call with sliding back into my dusty knickers…i wrote a letter/list of all the reasons i divorced him. quite an impressive list if one is impressed by a person’s ability to sabotage a relationship…anyhoo, the letter helped me to see more clearly & to remember why i am divorced.
i wrote it because i realized–amidst an argument over the phone after i told him that our getting back together was a bad idea–i realized he has never taken any blame in my divorcing him.
he presents it as: she divorced me; she is bad & deserving of my treating her like crap.
when, in fact, i had many many many reasons for divorcing him & gave him chance after chance after chance before divorcing him.
ack.
like he thinks i just flipped a coin & decided to turn all of our lives upside down??
seriously…it appears as if that is how he views my decision to divorce him.
so i wrote a list.
a long list.
which helped me, at least. and–hopefully–will help him accept his role in our relationship crashing & burning.

now i prepare for another long, cold winter–alone (you know, except for the four kids, four goats, two cats, a puppy, dozens of ducks, chickens, geese, a turkey named hamlet, & a ewe named elsa.) at least i know how to keep myself busy.

strangely, i do feel relieved to let go (again!) of hope for a dusty & me revival tour.

INKtober thirteenth

i hope
i want you
for healthy reasons
i hope
i have
grown
& am ready
to embrace
the ups & downs of a grown up
relationship
i fear
i want you
for unhealthy reasons
like
you almost destroyed me
once
before
maybe you can
finish me off
this time
i suspect
i want you
due to a gypsy’s
curse
how else
could my heart
swing
so suddenly
with every ounce of energy
it has
in your
direction
from out of nowhere
i fall in love
with
the
desperation
of someone searching for
post-apocalyptic
doritos.

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