dust devil

i feel like a swirling twirling dust devil right now
my anxiety is so so so crazy high
i just want to hide away
in my hidey hole
and not deal with any man ever…
my ex is playing money games with me
when i am extremely vulnerable
living on credit
my potential relationship is like three chapters
ahead of me
if we’re even in the same book
(forget being on the same page)
and i just feel like too many people are asking
too much
expecting too much
and as i’ve said before…the more that is expected of me
the less i want to give
contrary me…
i should be doing self-care
yoga & hikes
but
all i want to do is have a drink

i wonder why

i wonder why
i so easily
put others’
needs
others’ feelings
ahead of my own
leaving myself
in my sad
cocoon
of resentment.

another dusty inspired journal page. since he has been fired from his job and is waiting for the universe to drop another one in his lap, he has been messing big time with the kid schedule and spending way way way too much time at my house. it has me all out of whack.
and angsty.
i decided to stand up and say something, and he conceded to me saying, “you get your way.”
that was after two days of my saying something as nicely as i could before finally getting morose. after almost 20 years, i still don’t know how to talk to him. every approach at having a mature conversation ends with my being punished.
i just want things to go back to the way they were–where i only saw him twice a month–briefly–to drop off/pick up kids.
my life is so much easier when dusty & i are not “friends.”

poisonous

my words are poison
& as much as i would love
to spit them at you
you will not understand my pain
you will not wither
& die
you will use my poison against me
you will use my poison to make your own
my thoughts are poison
but where can i put them
what can i do with this pain
how can i get it out of me
can i use my destructive urges as compost
to grow something beautiful & beneficial
can i find my meaning somewhere else
find my salvation somewhere else
grow without cutting everyone down
i have four children
but i am not a mother
how can i be
with all of this poison in me
i have to
have to find my meaning elsewhere
find my salvation elsewhere.

this is directed at my ex. i often find myself wanting to make him hurt the way he has hurt me…but i know from experience that that will not work & i will just end up hurting myself even more.
i was in a lot of pain for the birthdays of my oldest & youngest (one day after another) as my soul remembered the different pains of the experience of becoming a mother for the first time with an unreliable partner…& for the last time with that same partner.
the pain did lift…but it was intense while it lasted.
this incoherent vomiting of verse was my attempt to make sense of what i was feeling.

goodbye

it was as if the island did not want me to be there.
every sign an exit sign.
rain filling the tent
a sky clouding over as soon as we got to the beach
for a swim
crows crying out a warning every morning
relentless flies & pissy park rangers…
i wondered if it was an omen of bad things to come…
only to realize it was a letting go
like the end of the movie
when you have to set free the thing you love
have to chase off the thing you love.
the island was telling me to leave
to run free
& to not look back.

this has everything to do with dusty. i planned this vacation to madeline island with him. kind of a co-parent thing. i thought it would work out okay because things had been going more friendly between us.
but i really do not like being around him.
especially not for an entire camping trip.
we are so different in the ways we live our lives. the ways we see the world. the ways we parent….
it hurts me to be around him. i wish it did not…but it does. i am damaged a little every time i tolerate his bullshit. and i feel like i have to tolerate his bullshit in order to keep the peace.
…and i really really do not like tolerating bullshit.

it was totally his fault the tent flooded. i kept trying to nicely tell him the flaw in his thinking. the flaw that was causing the tent to turn into a leaky water bed…but he kept telling me how it was going to work. i had to wait it out, bailing out the tent more than once, before he would “let” me fix the problem (without any help from him.)

i once surmised of our relationship that if we were ever in a situation where we had to work together to survive–we just wouldn’t. we would be dead.

but i survived.
& the island made it clear to me that i need to let go & stop the nonsense.

so sexy

because there is nothing
sexier
than a woman
who is
perpetually
falling apart.

right? so sexy. the ex has been spending way too much time at my house due to being fired from the job that kept him occupied. sometimes i wonder…could i?
then i notice all the things about him that i just do not like & realize i would rather be alone than to be in another relationship with someone i am not able to respect or trust.
so that’s good. i am not so desperate for a relationship that i am willing to do something stupid.

super predator

i don’t think you were
a predator
when i met you
which makes me wonder
if i am the trigger event
they talk about
on “criminal minds”…
were you broken
but harmless
until i got ahold of you
unleashing
this creature i see
gazing seductively
in so many photos
sent to my phone
(& who else’s?)
photos that make red flags
fly
& cause me to run
even faster.

thoughts on my ex-husband. i was looking at pictures of him when i met him versus pictures of him now. he was this cuddly chubby dork…now he is an angular & smoldering with long curly hair & a devastating stare. whenever i see his big blue eyes staring at me, i get the heeby jeebies…which i am pretty sure is the opposite of what he wants….
i so totally miss the old him.
& i cannot help but hate the new him. i mean, he killed off the old him, right?
or was that me?
did i kill off old him?

running to you

journal entry about dusty.
we have been getting along so well, that i now feel sad when he leaves…& not sad like, “i wish things could have been different” but sad like i’m missing him & wishing he could stay.
so weird.
we have had our ups & downs & on & offs…but they always followed the same destructive pattern.
this time really truly is different. i’m not just saying that to try to convince myself it is true.

coincidentally, today would be our 17th wedding anniversary if i weren’t so good at divorcing people.

always the same

got into a scuffle with dusty the other day that, thanks to our both being crazy (4’s on the enneagram if you are into that) & having so much history being crazy together, escalated into a brawl before finally settling down again.
i wrote this during that storm.

i like digging holes

i buried you deep
in the cold
cold
ground
i buried you
like trash
but dug you up
like treasure
i buried you
a seed
in the ground
a bucket of compost
i buried you
& waited
not really knowing
but secretly hoping
something
anything
would
grow.

a bit of a mash-up of annie lennox & alice merton, apparently….

things continue to be confusing between dusty & me. he is having sleep overs & one morning he was all grumpy as fuck & i was ready to dig that hole again…but then he apologized & talked to me about what was going on….
so weird.
more journal pages as this unfolds….

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