the saga of stella & squiggles

i avoided having pets for years & years
i was very nomadic
and had a history of having severe personality disorders in reaction to owning pets.
(my dad murdered & abused many of my pets, & i kind of shut down emotionally as a result)

then in 1996 a redneck boyfriend found a puppy in the woods
and forced the thing upon me.
i hated & hated that puppy, otis.
and then i fell in love with him.
and then he got hit by a car & killed before he was even a year old
when he ran away
after i sent him to live with a friend
because i felt i could not be who he needed me to be.
my heart broke into a million pieces.
and a little bit more of me died.

i got a rebound puppy.
and then another dog.
and then another.
and then i got rid of a dog
and then another.
i managed to keep one until he was 14 and falling apart and i buried him in the garden.
but i never fell in love with him.
we tolerated each other…for fourteen years
(same number of years i was with my ex)

then fidgit & iggy both insisted they had to have a dog
for years this went on
until i was finally at a place where i could have a dog.
but i had to get two because i had four kids each saying
they wanted a dog.
so i adopted two six month old cattle dog/border collie mixes
(herd dogs are my favorite)
and then things fell apart.

fidgit decided he was a cat person.
the ex complained constantly about the dogs.
i started to love them…but then my heart froze.
they terrorize the cat…the chickens…the lambs.
and with two of them and four minions,
i can’t get them trained the way they need to be trained.

and i find myself hating them
for the one more thing in my life
that i cannot manage
and that makes me feel like a failure as a human being.

i decided to find stella a new home
and to keep squiggles (who became iggy’s dog)
squiggles fits in
stella tolerates us but would be happier somewhere else…
i have been trying to find her a home with no luck.

img_2933

meanwhile,
i keep losing more & more of my mind
and feeling like less & less of a person.

then yesterday
they ate some bread dough i left to rise in a stupid place.
and i hated them so much for it.
and i had a screaming meltdown.
i put them in their crate and hid from the world.

i thought they would be okay
but this morning they were so so sick
vomiting & wobbling.
turns out
dogs get alcohol poisoning from bread dough.

i didn’t know.
i feel like such a dumb fuck.
i feel like it is my fault for hating them
that i brought this on with my own
bad behavior.

now they are at the vet
$400 or more per dog
for them to detox.

so…long story short
there is no hope for my frozen heart
and the demons that tell me i am an awful
dogmother
& that i will probably never be a proper dog person
because there is that gaping hole where my heart should be….

but if you want to buy some art
i can sell you prints or originals
to pay the vet bill for which i have exactly
$0.00

if you do want to buy art
leave me a message
and we can work it out.
i still need to figure out how to build a store here…

 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑