on the look-out for the next ex

relationships…

all i think about is relationships i don’t want to think about relationships why do i think about relationships so much?

bleah.

i recognize that part of me longs for the balance of a relationship.
i recognize that part of me loathes the idea of needing someone else.
i recognize that part of me is so injured that the idea of letting someone else in is terrifying.
i recognize that part of me is so damaged that i do not trust myself to choose a healthy partner.

ack!

this post is my letting go of obsessing about relationships.
sort of.
last night i dreamed about two exes.
back up…
recently i sent a series of “crazy” messages to my ex–the one i have trouble letting go of even though we broke up 21 years ago. i was angry because i keep asking him for help, and he ignores me. okay, sure 21 years, but he is always happy to respond when i am flirty & fawning…but not when i sincerely ask for help. when i sincerely ask for a friend.
i have spent 21 years apologizing to him.
for every fucking thing i did wrong when we were together.
and recently i realized something.
he has never once acknowledged that he did anything wrong in our relationship.
maybe he just doesn’t give a fuck.
maybe he doesn’t believe he did anything wrong.
maybe i am wrong to expect we could be friends after everything we went through. maybe our strong connection was just imagined, and i need to let it go already.

let it go already.

last night in my dream he wanted to talk to me about my “crazy” messages to him. first he wanted to do it in a crowded room–so i asked for a private conversation.
once we were alone, i felt the need to hide, covering my face with a scarf and–literally–sinking into a wall.
he started talking to me, but then was distracted by a celebrity entering the scene, and steered off to talk to that person instead, weaving tales to entertain this new person and completely ignoring me.
and then i got up & left to go make green bean casserole for my kids. i didn’t care. it was status quo for us and i was done with it.

i guess i’m ready to let it go.

other thoughts on relationships were addressed by chani and his weekly horoscopes where i was told (as a cancer):

Being thoughtful about who you partner with will help you to create more thoughtfully. Being deliberate about your collaborations will make them more effective. Being conscious of how your insecurities and your need to please can get in the way of protecting your energy is a game-changer.

You can’t take every partnership up on its offer. You can’t pour your energy into every vessel that has room for you. You can’t make good on your promises when you over-extend yourself. 

almost every relationship i have had i have actively sought out empty & cracked vessels that could not possibly accept my love…or i have found them on my doorstep and been like, “okay, i guess this is my boyfriend.”

hence my fear of even stepping towards a new relationship. if i like a person, they are probably damaged…& if they choose me, they are probably damaged.

sigh.

so i read up on the red flags. i read up on the narcissistic tendencies that i seem to attract. i read things about nice guys vs. good men and i try to keep these things up front in my mind…just in case i ever actually meet anyone.

meanwhile, however, you know…four minions and a homestead full of livestock. plus art to complete and vegetables to harvest….

but for those of you that think i should just forget about relationships and focus on kids & homestead & art, i have this to say:  i feel like that would be denying a part of me that deserves to be taken seriously AND i need to do the work. whether i am in a relationship or not, i need to do this work to heal the damage i have in the area of relationships or i am going to wake up one day & realize i am in another fucked up relationship.

speaking of which, i am letting dusty visit this week for misha’s sixth birthday, so–right there–reason to keep fresh what i want & do not want from a relationship.

not alone

i thought it was
you & me
against the world
but
i was all alone
the whole
time
i was all alone

i have a key around my neck with the words “not alone” engraved on one side and a heart engraved on the other side. it was made by a woman who suffers from anxiety to remind us that even when we feel alone, we are not.

i am not alone.

i mean i know that when i hear a song on the radio and wonder how the artist got a hold of my journal. even a poem i wrote last week reminded someone of the lyrics of a tool song. he sent the lyrics to me, and i was blown away by how much the writer of the song was feeling what i felt–and also by how much better he expressed it.

sometimes i feel very, very alone though.
sometimes it is hard to remember that i am not.
i have to remind myself & convince myself that i have a tribe out there that i have never met. (i have seen the blind melon video so i know that it must be true–right?)

i wrote the above poem for dusty. he cannot seem to grasp how much he hurt me. he won’t stop with the words that are ten years too late. he threw me away for other women and broke parts of me that i did not realize hadn’t already been broken. and now he just wants everything to be magically okay. so i have nightmares all night long. living with dusty in my dreams. trying to thaw his coldness. one dream had three men break into our place. i was trying to save the minions; dusty disappeared. the dream ended just before i was going to be raped. that sums it up. i don’t feel safe with him. i don’t feel like a priority. i feel like he is never on my side. that he does not have my back…not at all.

and that is what i need. i need someone i can count on.

not dusty.

so right now, i am alone…but not for always.

fungus amongus

i always wonder, as i work on ink blot doodles, while i wait for misha to have her speech therapy, i always wonder if anyone walking past notices my pictures.

her speech therapy sessions are in the same grade school i went to as a child. a small protestant town. a farming town. a very straight, white community (they are getting better–more diverse!)

so i feel weird just being there. weirder working on my art. but i think most people don’t notice. and i am generally treated as if i do not have two heads. to clarify, i do not have two heads–but i often feel that that is how i appear to strangers. as a complete freak of nature.

anyhoo. today a little girl walked past me as i doodled on this inkstain.

img_3045

she said, to herself, not to me really, “what happened to that notebook?”
i answered her, “i spilled ink on it.”

when i interact with children…even my own…i have a tendency to be on their level. maybe because i have never really grown up? maybe because i feel intimidated by everyone–even your newborn child. i never approach a kids like, “i am the adult.” it’s more like, “hey, can i share your sandwich?” i always noticed how kids seem to like me, and i think it is because i make eye contact, i smile, i talk to them like they are people…because, well, they are people. when i worked in daycare, when i worked with teenagers, i never was able to be the authority figure. i was just me, hanging out with a bunch of kids. i don’t know if this is good or bad–but it is something i like about myself…so let’s call it “good.”

so when the little girl commented to herself…in surprise? in disapproval? in wonder?–about the state of my ink soaked journal. i answered her with a no frills no judgement this is what happened kind of answer.

she walked on.

also! i remembered a dream i had last night. i remembered it while i was driving today and wondering if there was car insurance on my parents’ truck which i was driving. i had talked with the insurance lady who kept calling (i hate talking on the phone and avoid it like the plague) trying to let me know that i needed insurance…but it’s my parents’ car, right? so i told her i would have them deal with it. and i called them and left it up to fate that they would actually call the insurance lady whom i was avoiding talking to….
so apparently this is weighing heavy on my conscience because last night i dreamed i was flying and in the clearing where i usually land, the insurance lady was working. so i had to acknowledge her existence as i flew in.
“did my mom call?” i asked her.
“yes,” she assured me. she did not seem surprised that i could fly. i waited for her to comment and she never did. so off i flew.

once my therapist had me write a list of good things about me. that was on the list, “i can fly.”
when exhusband#2 scoffed at that, i told him, “well, i have never tried…so i just assume i can.”
another thing i like about me.

fungus2-copy

yet something else i like about me
(isn’t this nice? this is nice, right?)
is that i find things like this in ink spills.
i like that these things live in my head to haunt and to inspire me.
i like that i can look at a blob of ink and think, “well that is clearly a tree’s ass.”

dream a sweet koala bear dream

so as soon as i saw this ink stain i saw a koala bear.

inkstains-3

i did not however realize there were six koala bears hidden in the ink. so many koala bears. such a nice change from trump america, hate crimes, the struggles at standing rock, the denial of climate change and stubborn headlong push for fossil fuels in stead of sustainability.

and all the other crap going down.

war, famine, genocide, pollution, slavery…fuck a duck.

so i wish you all the sweet innocent dreams of koala bears where anything is possible.
but don’t let that be a diversion. we have been asleep too long. so now
i want you to wake from that dream,
and fight a good fight
fight for justice
fight for your neighbor
fight for the environment
fight for love
fight for peace
fight for hope
fight for a world where no one has to live in fear….

fight a good fight

(for the koala bears if for no other reason!)