under layers & layers of dreams never truly knowing if i am awake or have just woken to another dream the vulnerability of sleep grips me tight & i fear for things I cannot name trapped in a world i created.
in the dream it was a lonely house on a hill shrouded in darkness foreboding terrifying until i was forced to enter to save us all from a greater danger… the house was beautiful on the inside …but haunted… a specter rose up threateningly behind my companion i wrestled it to the ground only to realize it was just a child “tell me why you have so much anger?” i asked the child & the pain was released.
so this is a dream i had. it was pretty profound & felt really meaningful. i laid in bed pondering it. what do i do with this? am i supposed to help other people exorcise their demons? or is it just another pat on the back from the universe for doing all the work to wrestle my own? of course, i am still wrestling my demons. case in point, my inking today is heavily borrowed from the artist david mack because i am going through a thing where i think my own work sucks & what is the point? today, while on a walk, i started asking my frowning face–“why so stressed? what is there really to be stressed about?” and for a moment i let myself smile again. but i can find reasons to be sad & even woke up this morning to a dream of my telling someone that sometimes i just don’t have a smile inside me….
the whiskey tastes like cough syrup something i have an aversion to with vivid memories of my nurse mother forcing medications & sure enough i go to sleep & dream of her bowling with my mother something we never did in the waking world…. this will not be the first thanksgiving without my mother but it will be the first since she has departed this reality…. instead of my annual angst this year i feel peace & balance & i am swearing off the cough syrup whiskey.
the peace & balance waxed & waned. this time of year i am lucky to feel any peace & balance, so i am not going to look that gift horse in the mouth. i fixed a turkey for the first time ever. i played “mom” to my four children & two extra children & decided that the cough syrup whiskey wasn’t awful when mixed with eggnog.
this was the last page of this art journal that began on july 10th of this year. i inked on both sides of all the pages.
even in my nightmares i wonder at the pain i feel of losing someone i have already let go of…. i said goodbye to him but in my dreams when he says goodbye it hurts like a thousand knives a dream i have too often his cold eyes looking away his ears deaf to my pleas his touch a forbidden never again & i feel such profound dispair even though when awake i do just fine without him….
i’m trying to figure out why i keep having this dream. in my experience, when i have the same dream over & over, my subconscious is dead set on letting me know something. so why do i have dreams of dusty leaving me even though i have buried him a thousand times now?
so i had a dream this morning about my teenage heartthrob of choice, adam ant. he was at my house…the kids were away…it was the perfect recipe for mischief. why was he at my house? i don’t remember that part of the dream. i do remember him coming on strong. but i wasn’t in the mood & he was being annoying so annoying that i took him by the shoulders & said to him, “i would be the best you have ever had, but you would just remind me of my ex-husband.” because he already reminding me of my ex-husband clingy & annoying but i consented to a kiss…i knew i was a good kisser, but i was having my doubts about him i went in all gentle & sexy only to get viciously probed by a pointy little tongue so i stopped, pushed his tongue back in his mouth & told him “knock it off.” but he didn’t…so the kissing stopped then the kids came home so i figured that was that i offered to show him the posters i had of him from when i was a kid. he was game i found the posters, but only one was of him, the rest had changed to me posters of me i said, “the posters have changed–like they would if i were dreaming.” then he came at me with a back rub…the foreplay technique that has, historically, relaxed me into many a tight spot…. so i said, “fine.” & started figuring out where we could sneak off to. he asked if my bed was clean & i said, “i gave birth in that bed!” i asked him if he had protection, & he just shrugged i was a bit worried about where he has been i knew i had condoms but i didn’t tell him that i did start working out a cover story to tell the kids & readying a room for us….
if you made it this far, that’s where i was woken up by feisty morning minions. i have heard said that no one is interested in your dreams…but this one was so empowering & entertaining for me, that i just had to share. seemingly laden with messages. i haven’t quite worked it all out yet, but the dream seems to be all about me.
ps. the image is from an old journal page showing 20-something me & my therapist. lately i am really missing making comics. i might be headed back to comics…..
i don’t like the way my heart quickens when i see your name i don’t like that my first instinct is to hide the crazy to trod gently to not scare you away i don’t like the yearning i feel when i see your eyes when i read your words… the last thing i need is another broken heart.
this was originally posted on july 24, 2018. i used bamboo pen on the re-do. i really like it. i am hoping to get enough of these together that i can publish a book of self-portraits & free verse. so stay tuned.
this morning i was heavy with dreams. usually i wake up and can’t fall back asleep even though i don’t want to get out of bed. this morning, even if i tried to wake up, i was pulled back into dreams. my dreams did not want to let me go. they were fun too. i had moved back to austin, texas & was having romantic trysts with two of my more tragic crushes. ah…yummy.
this was written as i was considering having a crush on someone. however, that person kept being such a bonehead that i could not fully fall head over heels for him. that’s the problem with crushes. i’m fickle, & they usually piss me off before i can be completely crushed.
after writing about needing some mad love so i can lose some weight…i started thinking about my crushes. other than johnny shipley, in all my years of tripping into love, there is only one other crush who did not end up disappointing me & still holds a bright spot in my heart. jimmy phillips. ah…he was a sweet one. even though he borrowed my toothbrush & then told me it was time to get a new toothbrush…he was still too good to be true. maybe if it’s the right guy, nothing will disappoint me. then again, both jimmy & johnny ran for the hills after just a short romantic interlude with me. maybe i only fall for impossible men…but that’s a post for another day.
so there’s the tough bit, y’all. i fall in love easily…but i fall right back out again almost just as quick. poop.
i have been thinking debating i added another tier to my patreon page a $1 tier where i can post my art journal pages sketches works in progress & sneak peeks which means i will not be posting as much here it’s an exercise in taking myself seriously and trying to make a go of my dreams but as a girl who always gives it away for free and who doesn’t mind giving it away loving the idea of a world of trade & mutual support a world where money is not an issue alas. maybe someday but today i have to buy groceries notebooks clothes & shoes for my kids buy food for my pets buy art supplies so i can keep doing art and! spend money to support other artists & writers (also, one day soon, pay rent & utilities) so for now the bulk of my posts will be over on my patreon page for one dollar a month. i understand if this is too much i totally get it. but maybe, just maybe i can get some patrons & then be able to afford to do the same for my fellow artists & writers & crafters of all types.
whether you join me over on patreon or not, i really really really appreciate your support. & i’m not disappearing from here, i just have realized how much energy i spend on this site and wonder what would happen if i put that energy into trying to earn money for my art.
i want to be the samuel l. jackson of the art world i used to say you know grandma moses so i’d have plenty of time but now i’m thinking sooner rather than later & with as much profanity as possible so… hold onto your butts.
samuel l. jackson had a relatively late start to movie acting. he got rolling in his 40s. now he is an icon. so, yeah. that’s my aspiration.