i dreamed last night that i quite easily allowed myself to be wooed by a pretty man full of flattery & affection. he was a teacher who was neglecting his students & i noted this (as one of the students) but supported his behavior anyway. by the end of the dream he was tossing me aside to pursue another woman. this woman, however, saw & was repulsed by his shallow nature & easily rejected him. i applauded her rejection of him & validated it while vilifying the man… still aware of my own seemingly shallow nature in so eagerly encouraging his affections previously….
a waking dream a few mornings back. it had a large impact on me…made me examine who i am and what i have learned about myself–especially concerning relationships and skeezy men. maybe it loops back to yesterday’s post about knowing what i am capable of. can i be in a relationship right now? am i healthy enough? self-aware enough? hmmm. jury’s still out on this one.
my world feels like it is falling down around me so why does my subconscious take this time to bring you alive again some cosmic april fool’s joke waking from dreams into more dreams of you.
so many praying hands! then i realized i also had praying hands in yesterday’s inking…which i did not realize when i was doing this one. what am i trying to manifest in my life right now? peace? faith? grounding? trust in myself? trust in my path? why so many praying hands? also i am doing daily tarot card draws. a me card & a conflict card. yesterday was the tower card crossed by the inverted nine of swords (massive suffering) making me wonder if two negatives make a positive in tarot…. but when i drew the cards i was all, “yup…me crashing and burning…again” today is a little better. today is six of swords crossed by sacrifice. six of swords is slow path to healing–the sacrifice card (for me) references issues of control (i get that one a lot.) and i checked my journal…it was february 20th when i began this crash & burn, before that i was doing really really well. too well. now i am hopefully close to crawling out of the demolished tower of me to rebuild…again.
under layers & layers of dreams never truly knowing if i am awake or have just woken to another dream the vulnerability of sleep grips me tight & i fear for things I cannot name trapped in a world i created.
in the dream it was a lonely house on a hill shrouded in darkness foreboding terrifying until i was forced to enter to save us all from a greater danger… the house was beautiful on the inside …but haunted… a specter rose up threateningly behind my companion i wrestled it to the ground only to realize it was just a child “tell me why you have so much anger?” i asked the child & the pain was released.
so this is a dream i had. it was pretty profound & felt really meaningful. i laid in bed pondering it. what do i do with this? am i supposed to help other people exorcise their demons? or is it just another pat on the back from the universe for doing all the work to wrestle my own? of course, i am still wrestling my demons. case in point, my inking today is heavily borrowed from the artist david mack because i am going through a thing where i think my own work sucks & what is the point? today, while on a walk, i started asking my frowning face–“why so stressed? what is there really to be stressed about?” and for a moment i let myself smile again. but i can find reasons to be sad & even woke up this morning to a dream of my telling someone that sometimes i just don’t have a smile inside me….
the whiskey tastes like cough syrup something i have an aversion to with vivid memories of my nurse mother forcing medications & sure enough i go to sleep & dream of her bowling with my mother something we never did in the waking world…. this will not be the first thanksgiving without my mother but it will be the first since she has departed this reality…. instead of my annual angst this year i feel peace & balance & i am swearing off the cough syrup whiskey.
the peace & balance waxed & waned. this time of year i am lucky to feel any peace & balance, so i am not going to look that gift horse in the mouth. i fixed a turkey for the first time ever. i played “mom” to my four children & two extra children & decided that the cough syrup whiskey wasn’t awful when mixed with eggnog.
this was the last page of this art journal that began on july 10th of this year. i inked on both sides of all the pages.
even in my nightmares i wonder at the pain i feel of losing someone i have already let go of…. i said goodbye to him but in my dreams when he says goodbye it hurts like a thousand knives a dream i have too often his cold eyes looking away his ears deaf to my pleas his touch a forbidden never again & i feel such profound dispair even though when awake i do just fine without him….
i’m trying to figure out why i keep having this dream. in my experience, when i have the same dream over & over, my subconscious is dead set on letting me know something. so why do i have dreams of dusty leaving me even though i have buried him a thousand times now?
so i had a dream this morning about my teenage heartthrob of choice, adam ant. he was at my house…the kids were away…it was the perfect recipe for mischief. why was he at my house? i don’t remember that part of the dream. i do remember him coming on strong. but i wasn’t in the mood & he was being annoying so annoying that i took him by the shoulders & said to him, “i would be the best you have ever had, but you would just remind me of my ex-husband.” because he already reminding me of my ex-husband clingy & annoying but i consented to a kiss…i knew i was a good kisser, but i was having my doubts about him i went in all gentle & sexy only to get viciously probed by a pointy little tongue so i stopped, pushed his tongue back in his mouth & told him “knock it off.” but he didn’t…so the kissing stopped then the kids came home so i figured that was that i offered to show him the posters i had of him from when i was a kid. he was game i found the posters, but only one was of him, the rest had changed to me posters of me i said, “the posters have changed–like they would if i were dreaming.” then he came at me with a back rub…the foreplay technique that has, historically, relaxed me into many a tight spot…. so i said, “fine.” & started figuring out where we could sneak off to. he asked if my bed was clean & i said, “i gave birth in that bed!” i asked him if he had protection, & he just shrugged i was a bit worried about where he has been i knew i had condoms but i didn’t tell him that i did start working out a cover story to tell the kids & readying a room for us….
if you made it this far, that’s where i was woken up by feisty morning minions. i have heard said that no one is interested in your dreams…but this one was so empowering & entertaining for me, that i just had to share. seemingly laden with messages. i haven’t quite worked it all out yet, but the dream seems to be all about me.
ps. the image is from an old journal page showing 20-something me & my therapist. lately i am really missing making comics. i might be headed back to comics…..
i don’t like the way my heart quickens when i see your name i don’t like that my first instinct is to hide the crazy to trod gently to not scare you away i don’t like the yearning i feel when i see your eyes when i read your words… the last thing i need is another broken heart.
this was originally posted on july 24, 2018. i used bamboo pen on the re-do. i really like it. i am hoping to get enough of these together that i can publish a book of self-portraits & free verse. so stay tuned.
this morning i was heavy with dreams. usually i wake up and can’t fall back asleep even though i don’t want to get out of bed. this morning, even if i tried to wake up, i was pulled back into dreams. my dreams did not want to let me go. they were fun too. i had moved back to austin, texas & was having romantic trysts with two of my more tragic crushes. ah…yummy.
this was written as i was considering having a crush on someone. however, that person kept being such a bonehead that i could not fully fall head over heels for him. that’s the problem with crushes. i’m fickle, & they usually piss me off before i can be completely crushed.
after writing about needing some mad love so i can lose some weight…i started thinking about my crushes. other than johnny shipley, in all my years of tripping into love, there is only one other crush who did not end up disappointing me & still holds a bright spot in my heart. jimmy phillips. ah…he was a sweet one. even though he borrowed my toothbrush & then told me it was time to get a new toothbrush…he was still too good to be true. maybe if it’s the right guy, nothing will disappoint me. then again, both jimmy & johnny ran for the hills after just a short romantic interlude with me. maybe i only fall for impossible men…but that’s a post for another day.
so there’s the tough bit, y’all. i fall in love easily…but i fall right back out again almost just as quick. poop.