some may think I'm just a fool tilting at windmills, but maybe I'm not
i am meditating on my inner father lately
after realizing
i have never met him
but i have been having so many dreams lately
with my father in them
a father whom i do not consider a father figure
so i asked myself
what does my inner father look like?
who is he?
what is my relationship with him?
my inner mother, on the other hand
has grown stronger
since i let her in
comforting
reassuring
letting me know
i’m not a fuck up
&
i am loved.
grizzly bear dreams
daring me
to trust
to love
to open the door
that i slam
shut
in fear
that door
i use all my strength
to hold
shut…
what happens
if i open
the door
& discover
my grizzly bear
is
a
teddy bear?
these are the first two pages of a brand new journal.
a brand new world
a brand new me?
i have dreamt of grizzly bears in the past & was able to analyze myself back then & realize that the grizzly was my fear of motherhood. then i stopped dreaming of them & haven’t dreamed of them in years.
but the other morning, i woke up to another terrifying grizzly bear dream. i am never harmed in the dreams, however, i am extremely scared & take measures to avoid being attacked.
in the case of this most recent dream, i slammed a door shut & begged others to help me hold it shut.
upon waking, since i identify with grizzly bears & have a medicine card deck (identifying the grizzly as protector of my feminine) i am able to be aware that the grizzly is not a threat to me & being my feminine protector, grizzly bear advocates for self-love (as well as love of others & motherhood.)
so i am afraid of loving myself? i have been working on learning to love myself…which i’m guessing resulted in this dream, reminding me of how silly it is to be afraid.
so!
i began to envision opening the door and hugging that huge grizzly bear head instead of trying so hard to keep her out of my life.
i don’t like feeling
i am a character
in a story
i did not write.
i prefer my own narration. in my narration i am a total rockstar…. but then there are those days where the narrative is that i am a fucktard with body image issues & a complete lack of faith in myself. the person that will die alone. disillusioned.
i don’t want to be that character.
i want to be the rockstar….
related? unrelated? i had a dream recently that seemed to go on all night long. it started as a standard slasher movie dream where the slasher was terrorizing the general public & dismembering pretty much everyone.
i was running for my life, terrified.
but by the end of the dream, i was having a conversation with the slasher. he was no longer a slasher, just some guy not killing everyone in sight.
and i was no longer terrified.
i am thinking it is as simple as this: face your fears…they might not be that scary.
right?
does that mean i have to start promoting myself?
i guess we will see….
oh
so
maybe he represents
my love of broken people
my bad decisions in relationships
& maybe
he
represents my desire
to find a soul mate
a fellow free spirt
and that guy
he is my love of comics
my ambition
and the other guy
he is my forgiving myself
for my mistakes
& bad decisions
as they march
through my dreams
real people i have known
but not real anymore
now they are dream
symbols
lessons to learn
not a loss
to be
mourned.
i’m not sure that makes sense. it totally makes sense in my head. and i should have realized it a long time ago. when past boyfriends show up in my dreams, my psyche isn’t telling me i should totally find that dude i once dated…look him up on facebook, send him a letter, stalk him until i lose interest again…whatever, no! i am supposed to learn some life lesson from him. or examine what he meant to me & why…. i mean…i know what i’m trying to say, but i’m not saying it right.
ack
it’s really hot. i might have heat stroke.
how do you let
go
that part of you
that kept you
alive
kept you
safe
kept you strong
at your very
worst
how do you give it
up
once it has served
it’s purpose?
i think
maybe
you hold it in your hand
whisper
“thank you”
& let it melt away
or be carried off
by the wind.
another optimistic post with a distressed looking illustration. last night when i worked on this, i was cursing enlightenment & wishing for a mundane life.
my dreams cheered me up with promises of new possibilities & new tribe members. (in one dream i was totally dating a rock musician whose radio hit song was “my first car was a practical car”…totally not sure what my subconscious was doing there–but it was fun & cheered me up)
it is a conversation
i have been having
for awhile now
my tea party
with demons
like those numbers
on the clock
1234…
the dream seemed to be
telling me
i am
on the right path
headed in
the right direction
& totally should
keep on
keeping on…
an otherworldly
pat
on the back.
the last art journal page about my dream of wrestling demons. i am slow slow slow at getting these posted as i do not have internet & am feuding with my neighbor who was letting me use hers.
okay, feuding is a bit heavy–it’s more that i just feel like a heel using her internet after i threw her out of my house.
but i did make her a jar of solstice kimchi to thank her for her kindness of sharing said internet with me.
meanwhile, lots of demons being wrestled & epiphanies being had!
stay tuned!
xo.
in the dream
it was a lonely house
on a hill
shrouded in darkness
foreboding
terrifying
until i was forced to enter
to save us all
from a greater
danger…
the house was
beautiful
on the inside
…but haunted…
a specter
rose up
threateningly
behind my companion
i wrestled it to the ground
only to realize
it was just
a child
“tell me why
you have so much
anger?”
i asked the child
&
the pain
was
released.
so this is a dream i had. it was pretty profound & felt really meaningful. i laid in bed pondering it. what do i do with this?
am i supposed to help other people exorcise their demons? or is it just another pat on the back from the universe for doing all the work to wrestle my own?
of course, i am still wrestling my demons.
case in point, my inking today is heavily borrowed from the artist david mack because i am going through a thing where i think my own work sucks & what is the point?
today, while on a walk, i started asking my frowning face–“why so stressed? what is there really to be stressed about?” and for a moment i let myself smile again.
but i can find reasons to be sad & even woke up this morning to a dream of my telling someone that sometimes i just don’t have a smile inside me….
so, yeah, still wrestling some demons….
i analyzed
my dreams
this morning
& got an unanimous answer
my dreams say,
“fuck you”
fuck you & the horse
you rode in on
just
whatever dude
whatever
ever
ever
…ever
fuck off for real
like
totally.
this one goes out to my ex-husband. my second ex-husband, who won’t stay out of my subconscious for some reason. i guess my subconscious just wants to make doubly tripply sure i do not get back together with him–again.
thanks for watching out for me, subconscious!
even in my nightmares
i wonder
at the pain
i feel
of losing someone
i have
already
let go of….
i said goodbye
to him
but in my dreams
when he says
goodbye
it hurts
like a thousand
knives
a dream i have
too often
his cold eyes
looking away
his ears
deaf to my pleas
his touch
a forbidden
never again
& i feel
such
profound
dispair
even though
when awake
i do just fine
without him….
i’m trying to figure out why i keep having this dream. in my experience, when i have the same dream over & over, my subconscious is dead set on letting me know something.
so why do i have dreams of dusty leaving me even though i have buried him a thousand times now?
my shadow man
my thing of nightmares
my samhain visitor
i give you my heart
but you want my soul
i fight for my life
while accepting my death
my birdman lover
i am your
lonely
plaything
a half-dead
essence
a half-living
carcass
not knowing
whether to welcome you
or to fear you
if i should
hold you
or
let you go.
i keep thinking about this dream i had. it felt very strong. my subconscious loves to talk to me through my dreams. this seemed like a message.
especially as it came the night of the witch’s new year.
the time of year when the veil between the living & the dead is at its most flimsy.
i think it has everything to do with relationships. with myself. with men. with the world around me.
i do not remember an ankh in the dream, but for some reason i feel compelled to put the egyptian key of life in the inkings i have done about my dream.
i want to play with it more.
both as a message for me to heed as well as a potential story.
hmmm…my blackbird man….
also, this is the last page of my current journal. i have now done almost three hundred self-portraits since last october.
i made one page for all of my art journal self-portraits in my attempt to stream-line my art & website.
i hope my site is looking better & making sense.
tomorrow–a new day & a new journal!
Quixotic Mama 