making waves

look at me
i did two drawings today.

this one got away from me a bit.

inkstainwaves

it got pretty damn happy.
but i guess it is all practice.
and this is my first dolphin?
i think?

i dunno.

i’m feeling kinda
“meh”
about my art lately.

maybe my next one….

jar of hearts

when i travel…
actually all day long
every day
…i listen to the radio
but especially
when i am driving.

it is like my own personal
oracle
telling me of loves lost
and ones to come
of the every day
and the extraordinary.

i heard this song
jar of hearts
and not only related to the topic
but started wondering what that
would look like
in ink,
to be exact.
what would a jar of hearts look like
in ink?
(i already know what a ziploc bag of hearts
looks like
in my fridge
because i feed my dogs
a raw diet
and hearts are a cheap muscle meat.)

so i drew it today
as i waited for my misha
to finish her speech therapy appointment
i drew a jar of hearts
as grade schoolers
marched by
to the tune of public school
with shy smiles and
curiosity.

i drew a jar of hearts.

i have been wanting to try
to do ink splatter
and ink blotting
with more intent
and less chance.
you know,
just to see if i can.

the river

yesterday
i was so weirded out by the dragons in my picture
that i never stopped to wonder what a person might think
of my skull wearing fire goddess.
which then i obsessed about for awhile
wondering if i would be labeled too dark
too witchy
mostly thinking of how my younger sister would see it
my conservative republican trump-voting highly delusional little sister.

then i thought
you know
if i had a horned skull and a feather tutu
i would totally wear that.
so it must not be weird,
right?

ha!

then i was fine with it.

and today i have another goddess portrait
a river goddess
wearing welding goggles
because, you know, to keep water out of her eyes.

so tomorrow i go fetch my minions back
the end to my alone time…
and i won’t get a picture done tomorrow…maybe the next day?

so tomorrow i see dusty
very briefly
which is how i prefer it.
i haven’t missed him at all.
i can just pretend he is still sitting at his laptop playing video games
or getting high in the garage.
not much different with him gone.

and i finally read my tarot cards today.
i have been avoiding them ever since they yelled at me about not
taking my art seriously.
today they told me
(abridged)
“keep on keeping on–& don’t fuck it up.”

so that’s my game plan.
steady as she goes…watch out for sink holes & water falls.

and here is my ink stain. i could see a face and knew it was a portrait of someone wearing goggles. i fleshed her out. then i found the river.

inkstainriver

jacks

i sometimes really enjoy
being inside my head.
sometimes it’s a pain in the ass
like when i am crazy neurotic.
however,
alone
here
without the minions…
it’s just me & the voices.
they are mostly benign
without any stimulus.
not that my minions make me crazy.
i think that it is more
that being a mother makes me
feel
crazy.

i miss my minions…
but i really enjoy being alone.

i am able to sort through thoughts
make sense of things
it’s kind of nice.

but it is way way way
too quiet without them.

and i have no excuse to not make art
with them not knocking up against my elbows.
so i make art.
not always earth-shattering art
but let’s call it art
anyway.
you know, pigs and sheep and that other thing
playing jacks…
the dogs know
they have been memorialized
playing poker.

(i almost forgot to take a picture of the ink stain. i started in on the pig, then remembered)

inkstainjacks

blowing smoke

i don’t usually use the white ink
in my set of inks
because
i can’t quite wrap my head around
how ink can be white.
i can accept yellow ink…but white?

however,
as you can see in the ink stain

img_2877

what will become the girl’s face
is too dark for ink to show up on
so i needed to lighten it a bit
to add features

also!
as usual
i forgot the wings on the dragon
this is a reoccurring mistake for me
which is weird
because i add wings to every other creature
so why can’t i remember that dragons
are actually supposed to have wings?

i blame dusty
right?
he is year of the dragon
and only thinks all dragons
have to have wings
chinese dragons don’t have wings,
i tell him.
but he won’t accept wing-less dragons
so maybe i am subconsciously trying to spite him….
could be.

anyhoo.
so i had to use white to create a wing
for my poor
wingless
dragon.

i had something really cool in my head,
but i wasn’t sure how to make it happen.
so the wings are what they are.
but at least they are there
ish.

i really like hand puppets.
and monkeys.

i’m also very tired.
i played in the snow for two hours
and scanned all of my october & november inkings
today.
i’m a tired,
but my plant beds are all covered, the sheep have more pasture,
and i am in a better position to print up art work!

so let me know if you want some art.
some whimsical
inky
art.

 

in the stars

i will let you in on a secret
i don’t always like my artwork
sometimes i really don’t like
my stuff.
but this one…
this one
this one i really like.
and i grumped at iggy
because while the ink stains were still drying
in my journal
on my desk
aka the no-go-zone
iggy reached across my desk
reached across my journal
reached across my wet ink
where i could already see two faces forming
he reached across
and smudged the art.

but the faces still formed
because…
well,
do you believe in destiny?
it’s in the stars

i like this inking.
the baby reminds me of my koala bear baby
poppy
i swear that kid is part koala bear
he can cling like nobody’s business.

they say the last child
knows he is the baby
and tries to stay the baby as long as possible.

i miss my kids.
i don’t mind being alone,
but i miss them.
they are so much a part of me.
they don’t define me…
they just make me better.
like the nougat in chocolate.
i miss my kids like chocolate
misses the nougat.

but we will be back together soon.
it is in the stars.

poodle doodle

i wasn’t sure this drawing
was actually going anywhere
but it’s meditative
to doodle
so i doodled
i doodled a poodle

okay…that sounds…off.

i’m alone in a big house
my minions are gone
to be with their dad
for a week
i’m drinking beer
picking fights on facebook
and doodling poodles.

this is probably why the universe
sent me so many kids
to keep me honest
and to keep me
out of trouble.

here is a recap with the ink stain (and a flaw from my closing my journal before the pages were dry.) and the beginning of the doodle.

doctor who?

so
like any good unschooling mother
i am very busy watching doctor who
with my minions.
we are up to series five
in the middle of a binge fest
and i can’t seem to get away
to finish this drawing.

the minions are leaving tomorrow
for a week
to be with dusty in wisconsin.
i am super sad
and i don’t know what i will do without them
and i am looking forward
to resting
and reading
and drawing.
in between the missing them
bits.

so we have to watch doctor who
tonight
because i will have all the time in the world
to finish this drawing
tomorrow.
and i don’t know how
to feel about that….

changing of the seasons

today
like every day of late
i struggle
between the dark
& the light.
as the days grow
shorter
i grow
darker.
this is a difficult time of year
for me.
all growing up,
the holidays were times
of more childhood trauma.
then my dad went into rehab
when i was 17
right in time for the holidays.
i didn’t want him to come back
and dreaded visiting him
staring at the houses full of holiday cheer
on our drive to dysfunction.
then as a grown-up
my brother died
right in time for the holidays.
then,
like when i was a kid
a messed up family life
became that much more obvious
with the holidays
when all other families seem so…
so normal…
in a good way
and all i feel is empty & lost….

this year i am trying
to swim my way back to the light
even as the days grow darker
with the season.
this year i want to fight
the dark that creeps
crawls
grasps at my soul.

this year i don’t want to just
survive
the holidays.
i want to thrive.
and i want to show my children
that there is light
in the darkness.

(my ink stain)

inkstainpan

letting go

i like this one.
i wasn’t sure.
but i do.

i spent a lot of time
during inking it
to not-so-gently remind
the minions
that i do art to relax
and, for the love of god,
please stop bumping my elbow.

when you do art
to stay sane
it’s kinda counter-productive
to have four busy minions
buzzing around you as you do it.

letting go
i’m trying to let go
of my control issues
of my anger
of my patterns of misery
trying to let go
and remember why i am here
if there is in fact
any reason for me to be here
surely my minions figure into that
pretty big
and loud….

i like these chaotic inkings
the ones with god knows what
going on in them.
these are the ones that i find little treasures in
the weird little details.
these are the inkings
i learn the most about my self with.
these are the ones
that i surprise myself the most with.

i rely on instinct
zen art & ink stains
i let my brain go
and look for what i
normally
might not see.

ps. ink stain & yesterday’s work on this inking:

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