color me goofy

i cannot get anything done today. seems i am chained to my drawing desk. doing art on demand so misha–& now poppy–can have pages to color. this is what i get for refusing to buy coloring books….

so when i suggested that instead of drawing me & dusty riding a swan, i could draw poppy & misha on a swan, poppy shouted, “i get to be in front!”
misha refused to compromise.
so i drew me & her dad–and i made sure that i got to be in front.
ha!



quixotic cards…

i have no interest
in ever making cards
for money
though if someone wanted to buy some
i wouldn’t say no….

what i mean is…
there seems to be a capitalism bone
missing from my body

i love to do what i love to do
but i don’t want to do it
for money

money is dumb

here is the first card for my february calendar of birthdays. one of my nephews. he has never liked me. i used to take care of him as a baby, & he would so give me the stinkeye. but! always time to build better bridges…until it’s too late, that is….

anyhoo!

i missed at least three birthdays in january. i have managed to make a grand total of two birthday cards this year.
but, hopefully, i will continue this little exercise
in being a better aunt, cousin, sister, friend, & person.

in complete opposition to my short poem about capitalism sucking…i would like to let you know that if you forgot to get me a valentine, it’s not too late. you can buy yourself a copy of the book i illustrated–mistress of mud–to show how much you love me!

creases & folds

i’m lost
in the creases
& folds
of a world that i just don’t
fit
into
lost & confused
by spaces where i should
fit
but
just don’t.

so last week, i was a miserable mess.
i think i am starting to recover. i usually feel better on a new moon. you know, new beginnings & all that. forever the hopeful nihilist.
but there are a few more journal pages from this time of feeling…so fucking lost. lost & forgotten. never to be found. a horrible horrible feeling. i hate feeling lost.
so you know.
that’s coming up.
but i feel much better today.

clearly dragons

this is what i have been working on for a few too many days now.
it’s a simple inking…& clearly dragons.
but as usual…nothing is simple.
the minions are in wisconsin with their dad.
and i am alone.
but it’s more than that.
lately i have been feeling alone at a really profound soulular level.
(i just made that word up…is it working for you?)
so i’m lonely.
to the bone.
maybe it’s something i have always felt.
even as a child i believed i wasn’t from here, dropped off my my alien race because i had romanticized what it would be to be human….
and lately
the lonely is more profound
because i am not hiding myself in relationships.
i am facing the lonely. to some extent.
i got drunk with an old friend on saturday.
before that i was at a beekeeping class all day.
i fell in love with the vice president of the bee association.
then i convinced myself to pursue my old friend.
and when neither of these panned out, i texted my first ex husband.
he has been romanticizing me since i left him in 2002…
so he was happy to drive to see me & to live happily ever after.

i could have gone with that.
at least for a little while.
it felt nice to have someone come see me & pay attention to me.
i could have taken it further.
i could have started something back up with him.
so you know what my immune system did?
it went ass end up and i got sick.
he came to see me & i got a cold.
i have a pretty fucking solid immune system.
and i got sick.

there were no sparks.
even though i have been feeling electric
and feeling i could fall in love with the world.
i couldn’t do it.
i could not be dishonest with myself one more time.
i just couldn’t.
i was relieved when he left.
i mean, i loved seeing him.
but more importantly, i loved having that escape route cut off.
i cannot keep romanticizing exes because moving forward might be painful.

maybe he learned the same thing…i  hope he learned the same thing.

it’s okay to be lonely. it’s okay to crave a connection.

it’s not okay to lie to myself to get it.

my first beluga whale

so there was this open space in the upper right hand corner that kept me perplexed through quite a few episodes of offspring today.

(now i feel defensive about the fact that i am sitting in a chair zoning out to dramadies when maybe i should be doing something productive…or at least cleaning the fucking living room or scrubbing out the toilet that has some mystery staining going on…earning money towards my building debt? fuck. this all started when i became a stay at home mom…the feeling defensive if i’m not doing ten things at once. thinking someone is going to say something snide…well, okay, because the ex always did.
so now i am sitting on my ass crying over a tv show because they pointlessly killed off my favorite character.
fuck.)

beluga1

so anyway. this blank spot. i found so many things on the left side of the paper and it was getting so lopsided. but all i  could see were more dragons and i just could not do another dragon inking. so i looked & looked & looked and then realized there could be something getting ready to dive into that pond there.

and that’s when i found my happy beluga whale.

tada.

i like this picture. it seems…happy-ish.

my dogs should come home tomorrow. from the vet. they are almost fully de-toxed. i don’t know how much it will cost, but i did manage to sell eleven prints in my first attempt to make money with my art. so that’s exciting.

and terrifying.

and i am terrified.

i might have a deep fear of happiness & success & being loved & being able to love…. i don’t feel worthy, i guess. like i’m too badly damaged to do the stuff that normal people do.

fuck.

but i did this inking today. and started getting an order ready for printing….
wait.
maybe i should dress up & pretend i am someone else when i try to sell my art. that always worked when i used to wait tables…hmm. maybe i am on to something.

swan princess

to say i loved fairy tales as a little girl would be a gross understatement.
i lived in my own private fairy tale.
a changeling waiting to be discovered and rescued from the trolls who were trying to raise me as one of their own.
rescue me from the evil stepmother who murdered my real & devoted mother…
fairy tales were my escape from a frightening real life.

of course, i blame my fairy tale escape route for my love of kissing frogs and marrying beasts in hopes that i can release the prince that is surely trapped inside.
oh what a horrible thing to do to our daughters, right? teaching them that that awful asshole is probably just under a curse but will one day realize what a treasure she is and love her like no one ever has.

still, i loved my fairy tale escape. and maybe it helped part of me to flower despite its setting me up for disastrous relationships….

swan1

ah fuck.

i am a fairy changeling in a troll’s world.
i am an abandoned witchling among misunderstanding mortals.
i am a princess trapped inside a snarky, nippy swan.

swan2

ha!

so i sit alone in my castle as my children have been taken to the mortal world of wisconsin to live for 10 days with a family of trolls.
but they will return to me, my magic children. and we will continue our real fairy tale of homesteading in rural illinois free from tormented princes.

10 days.
i hold my breath and wish on every star in the sky for their safe return.

 

dragon’s fire

so
yeah
the older boys wouldn’t let me play dungeons & dragons
with them…
but really i only wanted to play
because the neighbor boy was so
cute.
i’m not a fantasy nut.
okay…i watch game of thrones
but that is more for the story
than for the fantasy…
sure
i believe in fairies
& think hobbits have it going on…
but i’m not
you know
geeking out on it or anything.

i draw a lot of dragons.
and i might be feeling kind of conflicted about that.
i mean,
dragons?
really?
that’s just one step above unicorns.
i mean,
it’s kind of like unicorns for angry people.
(again, no offense to lovers of unicorns…and dragons)

i don’t know why dragons keep showing up in my art.
and i am feeling conflicted about it.
but at least dragons do kick some butt, you know.
except pete’s dragon.
oh elliot….
sigh.
so i guess i do like dragons.
ones that sing.
holy crap, which isn’t any better than unicorns.

(here’s my ink stain)

inkstaindragon

blowing smoke

i don’t usually use the white ink
in my set of inks
because
i can’t quite wrap my head around
how ink can be white.
i can accept yellow ink…but white?

however,
as you can see in the ink stain

img_2877

what will become the girl’s face
is too dark for ink to show up on
so i needed to lighten it a bit
to add features

also!
as usual
i forgot the wings on the dragon
this is a reoccurring mistake for me
which is weird
because i add wings to every other creature
so why can’t i remember that dragons
are actually supposed to have wings?

i blame dusty
right?
he is year of the dragon
and only thinks all dragons
have to have wings
chinese dragons don’t have wings,
i tell him.
but he won’t accept wing-less dragons
so maybe i am subconsciously trying to spite him….
could be.

anyhoo.
so i had to use white to create a wing
for my poor
wingless
dragon.

i had something really cool in my head,
but i wasn’t sure how to make it happen.
so the wings are what they are.
but at least they are there
ish.

i really like hand puppets.
and monkeys.

i’m also very tired.
i played in the snow for two hours
and scanned all of my october & november inkings
today.
i’m a tired,
but my plant beds are all covered, the sheep have more pasture,
and i am in a better position to print up art work!

so let me know if you want some art.
some whimsical
inky
art.

 

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