random thoughts II

y’all should know, random thoughts posts are more likely to happen if i’ve had a beer or two…. i like beer. IPA if you are thinking of sending me some. flying dog‘s raging bitch is my current favorite for many reasons ranging from name to taste to label artwork….

but i digress.

last night i was watering the livestock (so i don’t have to do it in the morning when i am just fucking sleepy & not eager to do extra work) when fidgit & iggy attacked me with water balloons. i was armed with the hose while they launched their attack. i got two water balloons to the head & felt mostly proud that my son had such good aim. soon misha was on the side of her brothers, armed with water balloons…i think she may have been their patsy, while poppy was on my side, taking his turn with the hose when i resorted to chasing them with buckets full of water intended for tomorrow goats. he stood his ground & was my little braveheart with his mad hose skills.

it was crazy fun. a twilight game of war. something that happens when the planets are aligned & everyone is in just the right mood & no one storms off, pissed off, screaming that they hate so & so and vowing that we will all rue the day. instead, we had fun. instead, we were a family.
enough to keep my faith that everything could turn out okay.

i started writing down my random thoughts after last time when i had forgotten them all. these are the thoughts that aren’t quite important enough, coherent enough, “poetic” enough to qualify for an entire art journal page…but thoughts that i long to share nonetheless.

random thoughts:

*i am living by a different set of instincts than the general public. i question the instincts most give in to (consume consume consume) while i honor the ones most people push away in order to follow the mob mentality.

*i’m so sexy when i’m drunk

*having a clean house is grossly over-rated. i kick myself for not house-keeping up with the joneses…but my spiders are so so happy.

*i really don’t have to look for a reason to drink

*note to self: keep poppy away from babies

*i’ve decided that mowing the lawn is also very over-rated

*note to self: keep all knives out of poppy’s reach.

these are random things i write down in my journal as they tromple through my brain. things i would post on facebook or twitter if i were a fan of social media sites rather than having a healthy fear of them. these are things that make me giggle or feel “special.”

thank you for listening.
on to our regularly scheduled navel-gazing art-journaling.

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profundity

no one is as sad
as me
no one is as lonely
as i am
a pain so profound
i feel as if i can pick it up
& hold it in my hand
a disease
so contagious
i feel as if there is no way
i cannot
inflict it upon those
i love
best.

scribbles

whenever
i am feeling
suicidal
instead of killing
myself
i fall
in love.

i have been thinking a lot. go figure. it’s my favorite past-time.
this week, i took two of my lambs, my first two lambs, and i learned how to butcher them.
i had so much anxiety leading up to it. dread. serious contemplations on vegetarianism.
then the time came, and i was fine. i was more than fine. i was doing things i never knew i could do.
and it made me think about how emotional detachment has always been part of my damage…but sometimes…sometimes…it really comes in handy.
i started thinking about “dysfunctional life skills.”
the things we learn in order to survive a fucked-up childhood or an abusive relationship. those weird super powers. sometimes they cause us pain…other times they save us.
i want to explore this more.
but right now i am binging on jessica jones
and wondering why i am so attracted to the character kilgrave. is it just because he is played by david tennant? or is it another part of my damage to seek out other darkness? or is it just that i am empathetic to a fault and want to save those other damaged souls?

an empty house leaves too much time to think.

moses jones q&a

here i am
i have never left
can you hear me?
can you see me?
i am here
i have never left
see me.
hear me.

it felt good to do a doodle of my other self…my moses jones. my apocalyptic mama. it felt good to think about her.
she is a sort of self-portrait.
the me in a parallel universe
where dytopia has already sunk his teeth into us all.

i want to bring her back.
bigger.
better.

read my comics, if you will.
give me your thoughts.

tripping joggers

how do i rationalize spending $100 on paper (sketch pads, etc) when i have no money? i dunno. some of the paper is for the minions who love to do art almost as much as i do. you know, so it’s homeschooling. and i spent only like $70 on solstice (christmas for you non-pagans) presents…so maybe it’s okay? also! i’m getting some of my deposit back from my apartment in madison that i moved out of almost a year ago.

funny story.
after trying to leave exhusband#2 multiple times i again agreed to get a place with him…even though he was actively cheating on me right in front of me.
ah, the lies we tell ourselves.
agreeing to live with him against my better judgement, i did so insisting that we move out of madison. madison is just too damn expensive, and exhusband#2 does not like to work, and i have yet to be paid for what i do every day. so i wanted to move somewhere where we would not be living paycheck to paycheck…but he did not want to abandon his girlfriend.
so
after trying to find an apartment for a family of six in another town with absolutely no help from exhusband#2
for some reason
i agreed to keep living in madison?
in an apartment we could not afford?
i paid the deposit. living off of credit cards and student loans, i paid the $1050 security deposit.
we moved in.
a month later, biking with the minions, i came across him making out with his girlfriend (whom he was always in the process of breaking up with) on the bike path by our house.  
i freaked out.
lost it.
crashed my bike.
broke my arm.
and kicked the slut in the knee.
the wrong slut, but the slut i was aiming for….
i got a citation for “disorderly conduct” and had to go to court and pay a fine.
so i told  him, “if you don’t break up with her by the end of the semester, i am moving out of madison.”
he didn’t.
i did.
going even further into debt to lease a u-haul to move me & four minions two hours away from madison….

did  i say this was a funny story?

and i found someone to sublet the madison apartment. a “friend” who said she would pay me the deposit…but never did. and then lied to me about it…repeatedly.

so i had pretty much written off that $1050 until yesterday when the landlord contacted me to say he was sending me the deposit. how much? i dunno. but at least some. a little more money. to rationalize my buying $100 worth of paper.

it’s for the art, people! i have priorities! it’s for the art!

i don’t have cable or a smartphone or a car or new clothes or fancy appliances…but by god, i have paper to draw on!!!
and some to mat with, hopefully, so i can put some of my inkings in a local gallery? dare i dream that little dream?
paper
i love you so.

(this inking/comic is another in a series i am playing with where i take random things i have written over the years. random sentences. random ideas. random “stories.” i am taking all of that randomness and trying to turn it into visual art. i used an ink stain and a random thought to create this one. very casual.)

(aww crap. i totally forgot to do the photo progression like i did in yesterday’s post. then you can see where i’m getting my ideas from the lines in the ink…but i forgot. or rather, i was wrestling with crazy minions while trying to do art & was lucky just to finish an inking! the more i do this however, the more i should remember to photograph my procession to whimsy.)

yellow!

i don’t like all of the pictures i do. i put them up whether i like them or not. but i don’t like them all. i am always surprised when someone loves one of the pictures that i hate.

img_3023

i guess it just goes to show how different we all really are.

img_3026

then i am equally surprised when a drawing i love & cherish gets no reaction at all. then i start digging around for approval…and am devastated if i cannot drum up the enthusiasm from others that i feel for my art.

img_3028

it feels like a rejection of me.

yellow4

so how come when someone embraces a picture i make that i deem ugly & unworthy, that doesn’t somehow validate the part of me that feels unlovable?

it’s a puzzle.

in case you are wondering. this is one of the ones that i love. so i will wait
quietly
impatiently
urgently
desperately
for y’all to sing it’s praises….

so i can feel like i matter.

(no pressure)

poodle doodle

i wasn’t sure this drawing
was actually going anywhere
but it’s meditative
to doodle
so i doodled
i doodled a poodle

okay…that sounds…off.

i’m alone in a big house
my minions are gone
to be with their dad
for a week
i’m drinking beer
picking fights on facebook
and doodling poodles.

this is probably why the universe
sent me so many kids
to keep me honest
and to keep me
out of trouble.

here is a recap with the ink stain (and a flaw from my closing my journal before the pages were dry.) and the beginning of the doodle.

this my sacred heart

so i was raised catholic–which heavily influenced my love of dark art (as in macabre paintings–not black magic), incense, and organ music. it also encouraged my fascination with religion.

i realized i was actually pagan as a young adult–though it was obvious in retrospect considering that i watched for god in the clouds and talked to trees and surrounded myself with spirit animals as a child.

anyhoo–these two influences, catholicism & paganism, show up in my art a lot.

this picture seems ripe with symbolism, but i leave that to you, the viewer. i am not going to say what it is or is not about. i like to make the art and leave the interpretation of it to someone else.

plus!

i woke up this morning. started doing yard work, gardening, taking care of critters. then stopped to come in and make a vegetable mung bean noodle stew. i make egg noodles from scratch, and they are soooooooo yummy…but very time consuming.
after eating i immediately started today’s drawing because i knew i would not have time tonight because…
oh yeah, i’m going out.
i’m leaving the house.
i’m having grown up time with a friend.
(yay!)

so i leave you to psycho-analyze my art and figure out what the fuck is going on in my head.

ps. here is the original ink stain…

inkstains-2

skull island

do i always sea the sea
or does the sea seak me?

today’s drawing is a doodle ink blot. i wonder. i go into the drawings not knowing what i will find. but i often find sea creatures. so am i looking for sea creatures? or is that what i am finding?
i dunno.
but i saw a pterosaur today.
i cannot draw pterosaurs.
i messed it up–but then i fixed it–ish.
i felt like a 3rd grader because i was thinking of just putting a big black cloud over the part i fucked up. haha! i am actually pretty proud of fixing it as much as i did. it looked terrible to begin with. the end result is at least 5th grade level (no offense to the lower levels!)

however, as i was finishing this one up, i got deja vu. which happens a lot when i am drawing. then i try to remember if i drew that picture before. i wonder if vincent van gogh ever got that feeling as he did yet another self-portrait. i love vincent van gogh & all of his self-portraits–i’m just saying, “wait…did i do this one before?”

i was thinking. that thing they say about taking 30 days to start/end a habit. so i spent 31 days drawing every day. and now it’s my habit. that is pretty damn awesome. i am usually hanging by a thin thread of sanity. drawing every day has definitely strengthened that string.

yesterday, after doing “mister chicken” i started doodling in my journal where i have some ink spills waiting for my impression (today’s is also one such doodle). my journal pages are not the good paper that i do some of my work on, so i am more comfortable just messing around. plus, i was planning on sending this one in a letter to the boy of yesteryear who still owns my heart (it’s been 20 years & i’m still not over him!) i write him random letters. who knows if i even have his right address. someone could be collecting these neurotic quixotic whimsical letters singing his praises and apologizing a million times for what went wrong….
but, anyhoo! this is a doodle & a letter started to said heartbreaker.

dearpete

ha!
i just read it again.
now watch, i’ll drink a beer and actually mail it.

but the art is fun, right? i thought the art was fun.

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