who’s your daddy?

i am meditating on my inner father lately
after realizing
i have never met him
but i have been having so many dreams lately
with my father in them
a father whom i do not consider a father figure
so i asked myself
what does my inner father look like?
who is he?
what is my relationship with him?

my inner mother, on the other hand
has grown stronger
since i let her in
comforting
reassuring
letting me know
i’m not a fuck up
&
i am loved.

enough

i watched him fall down
a full flight of stairs once
& land on his feet
i was totally attracted
to how self-destructive
he was
that tended to be
my favorite part of people
the part i could
recognize

the part i could

understand

that wanting to erase yourself….
i took him home that night

that falling down drunk night
i lured him away
from the other girls
with their naughty reputations
“for his own good” i told myself
i lured him with promises of blowjobs
it was the second time 
& last time
we would have sex
for as much as i loved him
& obsessed over him
for all the years i spent following him
with my heart on my sleeve

it turns out
he wasn’t self-destructive enough

to love me back.

doodles

i am trying to stretch my brain
my abilities
i feel like there is more i can be doing
should be doing
with my art & writings….

as i doodled the above doodle (inspired by my 10 year old telling me that she saw one of the hills around us move), my two youngest watched & egged me on. it felt good. it made me wonder if maybe i should write & illustrate a children’s book…
at the very least, i want to be doing more comics.
and then there is the question of putting myself out there for other possibilities…facing my fears…self-promotion & all things scary….

the world is a stage

my life is full time
LARPing
one of the things i actually
enjoy
about motherhood

i said the thing about LARPing to my ex the other day as i was wearing my “utility belt” with my bokken tucked into it. i have goggles, tiaras, tutus, boots, belts, hats, and a variety of real & toy weapons that i play with.
life is a dress up party. or (from a poem i once wrote) every day is halloween.

we have friends who LARP (live action role playing for y’all who aren’t nerds)…but i am not sure i ever stop role playing. maybe there is a term for this? motherhood?

i think i channeled some shel silverstein in this quick comic doodle.

more comic doodles

titled: notes from the motherhood

i’ve begun to fantasize about billy bob thornton

billy bob: these children giving you a hard time, ma’am?
i can take care of them for you….

my thinking: i’m not sure what he means by “take care of”
but at this point i’m ready to roll those dice.it has been a hard time at madness manor while children’s nastiness runs at full speed. i am not sure how many of them wished me dead yesterday. i wonder if those parents who spank & do worse are actually doing the right thing because being a kind & affectionate mom seems to be failing miserably? will they grow up to be nice adults despite being assholes as kids? i was physically & emotionally abused as a child–which prevented me from being an asshole–but now i am a hot mess of a grown up. will it work opposite for my kids?
these are the things i wonder as they scream horrible things merely because they did not get what they wanted….
to beat or not to beat my kids?
i do not have the stomach to be an abusive parent…but i can write comics!

obviously i need to look at what billy bob thornton actually looks like. i plan to practice that with some google pics….
meanwhile, i did doodle some pictures of nasty little children
& one doodle of one of my actual children, but not looking nasty today. pleasant children mostly today….

dream lover

you showed up in my dream
again
always there
sweet as pie
miles away in the morning
but by my side
still
in my memories
in my wishes?

i was doodling my dream lover and then added these speech bubbles. apparently dream lover wants me to focus on comics. i’m cool with that. it’s not like i have a shortage of ideas.

fine!

so i was talking to michael coates about collaborating with him on some stories he’s written.
like, talking on the phone.
& he lives on a totally different continent than i do. & he talks really fast. & i’m not always sure i can understand when people talk british.
but
i was doing my best.
except, you know the rule (it might be one of einstein’s theories–i can’t remember for sure) something about how much more likely a child will have to immediately-now speak to a parent if they are on the phone?
so that was happening.
at one point my six year old came in to tell me, “clementine says, ‘fine’.”
i tried to remember, as i conversed over the ocean, what the question was that the answer was “fine.”
it was beyond me.
but my not responding fast enough insured that my eight year old then came into the kitchen to tell me, “i said ‘fine’,” repeatedly until i was forced to tell her ‘okay’ to an answer to a question that i had either forgotten or not known in the first place.

when i was little i was convinced people could not hear when on the phone because my mom was so good at pretending i was not there while she talked on the phone.

long story short…i doodled the word “fine” & then doodled a picture that i based this inking on.
fine.
i also found myself adding it to the dialogue in the page of moses jones i am working on.

(i just realized i forgot to add too many shadows…but i will still post it.)

sky blue eyes & an artichoke heart

i have been a bit brain dead of late & have not been furiously journaling as usual.
i’m not sure what is going on, but future journal posts will touch on my weird state of non-agitation since, fuck it, i have to journal about something!
this page of my journal was just my trying to get my brain moving. as lynda barry teaches, i started with spirals. at the very least, spirals work to calm me down.
but, again, i am already strangely calm.
so not used to being calm.
but from making spirals, i ended up contemplating my artichoke heart….

on the road again

from the flatlands of illinos
to the rolling hills of wisconsin
squatting
both literally & figuratively
in the wild driftless region
waiting for fate
to open a door
(or window)
to a new home
for me & the minons

i am still doing art. mostly doodles. and writing in my journal to keep myself sane as my whole world is turned upside down…in a good way…but still terrifying.

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