is it something in the wind?
is it a changing of the seasons?
you try to remember the last time
the last time
the last time you convinced yourself
things could be different between you & him
was it just a few months ago?
you remember screaming
& throwing him
out of your house
your second son’s birthday…
the last time you invited him in
into your house
just a little
the door peeked open
& he pushed his way in
& you pushed him back out again
until you wonder
why is there a revolving door on your heart?
after all this time
all these years
why is he still
doing this dance
selfie with my dodo, y’all.
so i talked to my tarot cards tonight…about my crazy-ass feelings for my ex-husband, aka dusty…
i was told to control my impulses…to not jump into anything…to not abandon the path i have worked so hard on taking….
my tarot cards never let me have any fun.
but, of course, they are right.
even if i were to work things out with my very handsome though emotionally stunted & narcissistic ex-husband, i should not–should definitely not–rush into it.
of course, i don’t know how to not rush into things…so i guess now is the time to learn.
in other news,
i lost my favorite pen. it has completely vanished. poof. gone. a replacement tip in the same size is $17.00 (i have several pens with clogged tips & could just switch out a new tip in the size of my favorite pen.) i have ordered one because the art must go on…but, i am on the verge of being very very broke & you know, donations are always welcome…as are purchases of my art.
should i set up a patreon page or something?
i need an agent/broker.
i did it in 2016 and it inspired my whimsical ink series which was just me spilling ink & finding images in it.
i started to do it last year, but then petered out. except it did start my self-portrait series….
so, i totally should do it–if for no other reason–to discover/uncover another layer of my art. right?
i have been a bit awol this past week. i am still writing…but i have not done any ink (another reason i should do inktober–to get my pen moving again!)
i got a new goat (vincent van goat)
and a new puppy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (bluejean boogie) who i am just a little excited about & preoccupied with training & socializing…& staring at dreamily…who needs a relationship or a new baby…i got a puppy!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don’t like
the way my heart
when i see your name
i don’t like
that my first instinct
is to hide the crazy
scare you away
i don’t like the yearning
when i see your eyes
when i read your words…
the last thing
i don’t know why i don’t draw dodo birds more often. they are so awesomely awesome (see how poetic i can wax.)
this idea for a self-portrait was way more difficult that i thought it would be. my brain could not do the upside down. i did the best i could & assured myself that y’all wouldn’t judge me my little fuck-ups.
i like it though.
i could totally be the queen of hearts.
so i had a small crush on someone, but–after a few days of being ignored by said crush, i let it go. which is a big step for me! instead of pursuing, i said, “fuck it.” i let myself know that i don’t need to–or want to–chase random cuties who are emotionally unavailable.
done that. done that. done that some more….
and i’m done with that.
i deserve better.
you heard me.