i just wanted
if i could fill up a page
(i like this one–i don’t always like my self-portraits–but i really really like this one)
i am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the online dating. trying not to become jaded with all the ickiness of it…but still keeping it as a viable option for having (at the very least) a conversation.
much like grade school
no one i’ve liked has liked me back.
so i fill up a page with me.
here i am!
don’t forget! if you love (or even just like it) my art, you can now buy a book that i illustrated: mistress of mud
i’m so tired
of these feelings of desperation
what is real?
what is longing?
& what is just a big chasm
something intrinsically wrong
a hole in me
a black succubus of love
any warm body
when i was a kid
there was so much violence
so much abuse
so much animal death
my pets gone–just like that
that i learned to disconnect
to stop loving
to stop caring
to stop bonding
and as an adult this continued
i had trouble with relationships
sure that they would leave
or god forbid they had self-destructive tendencies
it was too much for me
i could not bond
and i would try to have pets as an adult
but it was easier to hate them then to love them
love is a fragile thing
so easily killed
i was repulsed by neediness…repulsed by being needed
i closed down
i often wondered if i could ever even have kids?
was i capable of love at all?
sometimes i still wonder….
shortly after the above picture was taken, a raccoon killed one of my turkeys and injured the leg of another. i named the injured turkey isabeau and took her into my house. i dressed her wound, fed her blue berries and honey and put apple cider vinegar in her water and bathed her when she got too stinky.
months went on. spring turned to summer. her leg healed, but she stopped walking. her non-injured leg became palsied. one wing became disfigured by her always laying on the same side. i would try to put her on her other side–or in a sling–but nothing seemed to help.
and while her brothers & sisters grew huge and mature
she remained frozen in her juvenile state, a third the size of them.
i felt myself turn off. i mean, i cannot pinpoint the exact moment, but it happened. i started being annoyed by her. frustrated with her. dreaming at night that she finally got up and walked again, while watching every day as she just kind of flopped around. i admired her perseverance…but in the end, she just gave up.
i just wish i hadn’t given up first.
i thought i would be relieved when she died. she had become a burden…a difficulty…one more thing to take care of on a busy day. i mean, i knew she would die eventually. there was no way she could continue on like that–what if she tried to lay an egg–that alone would kill her–painfully. she was so vulnerable….
and now she is no longer suffering….
so why do i feel like i failed her? because my heart shut down? because i could no longer muster the energy to care about her even though i was still caring for her?
i don’t like that i learned to shut down when there was danger of pain by abandonment (be it death or whatever.) i want to feel the pain & live through it. i want my heart to warm back up and not be so quick to disappear.
i cried today. i did not expect to cry over my dead turkey.
but, like most mourners, i am not crying for her…i am crying for me.
as i try to assure my kids we did everything we could for her…in my cold heart i feel as if i should have done more…i wish i were capable of having done more.