rick springfield is my patron saint

this is a journal page from just over a year ago, one of several horned images of myself i have drawn

so i was on the third season of lucifer & feeling guilty about binging on a network tv show when i realized that it was based on a neil gaiman character (one of my favorite male writers) thereby relieving me of my guilt.
the tv show has inspired thinking points for me in my latest embracing of my darkness via my “fallen” series.
and then today
after having a friend put 18 hours of music on a thumbdrive so i had music in my car, i realized i had forgotten all about rick springfield.
so i went to google him and realized he has seemingly been creating non-stop since the 80s–when i listened to his music because my big sister was in love with him.
his latest album the snake king, has angels, demons, god, the devil, and the underworld all through it.
huh.
it’s pretty dark & pissed off & has a twangy sound to it–which is not what i expected.
but this is not a review of rick springfield.
it is my own wondering about how when you start looking at the world in a different way, the world is only too happy to comply by dropping crumbs in your path.
being a recovering catholic, i have been both drawn to & repelled by my own darkness as well as any dealings with demons & devils.
since embracing them…new doors are opening & i am being shown the threads that bind us all together.
or, at least, i am listening to rick springfield & thinking deep thoughts.


fallen VI

it’s a relief really
realizing
what
you
are
embracing
your own heart
saying to the
catholic teachings
that tried to school you
in
right & wrong
saying
huh…you were right
women
are
the
devil
but more importantly
the devil
is
a
woman
and, that, my love
is just the very
tippy top
of the
iceberg.

i was having an epiphany when i wrote this page. it all made sense like when you just wake up from a dream knowing the meaning of life.
i will call this an exercise so that it is not overwhelming for you, but it is much more than that to me.
this exercise has opened my eyes & offered me a new way of looking at my life. a new way of looking at the world around me.
i hope i am able to flush it out.
perhaps it will become a book someday….

i have my pandora programmed with a handful of artists & she plays me a random selection based on that…i am amazed at how many songs have references to the devil & demons & angels. i guess i shouldn’t be amazed, it is so much a part of all of us.

we pretend to be “human” but what are we, really? i think we have forgotten.
i, for one, think it is time to remember.

fallen III

you’ve always known
you were
different
you thought
maybe
an alien
or an angel
a changeling of some sort
surely
something
mythical
& you are
mythical
as fuck
a beast of many
faces
you are not who you
expected
you would
be
but!
with a grin
& a shrug
you accept this turn
of events.

i’ve always played around with my dark side. i’ve always recognized it & even celebrated it. but this is the first time i have embraced it by making it my identity.
it’s liberating in a way i did not expect.
i have always struggled to believe i was good after being raised by parents who were quick to let us know we were not–in their weird covert catholic way.
i try to be good, but the bad leaks out & terrorizes me, traumatizes me, presents itself as proof that i will never ever be a good person.
i think we all have a devil/demons/darkness inside.
& maybe the more we fight it…push it down…try to “control” it, the stronger it becomes. the more traumatizing to the part of us that believes in good.
but embracing it.
welcoming it
accepting it
this allows a person to be more complete and at peace with themselves.
a healing of sorts.

it’s a theory, and i’m testing it with my art journals.
buckle up, y’all
i have got pages & pages of this stuff.
i’m not sure what to call it…a serial free verse narrative? with pictures!

archangel carl

so i made a comic.
do i want to be doing comics?
how can i incorporate everything i have learned from my ink stain experiment to my self-portrait adventure?
how do i make it all into one thing? maybe it can’t be one thing. maybe i have to keep making lots of things.
i love some of the self-portraits i did…but am not sure how to translate them to comic…but what else can i do with them?

i need a jiminy cricket…but one that gives advice on directions in art & life….

i kind of want to work again on “lizard brain” & definitely want to get back to “moses jones”….hmmm.
and now i’m going off in random directions with new comic ideas.

balance
direction
grace

fuck it. i’m going to go do some yoga.

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