validation

i don’t need
to be validated
i don’t need
to be
validated
i do not
fucking
need
to
be
validated

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help…

i don’t like to ask
for help
i will spite myself
go hungry
risk injuries
slip deeper into my cozy pool of despair
rather than ask for help
i spent my childhood
in my parents’ blind spot
& instead of acting out
to grab their notice
i built my little throne of thorns
to sit quietly
glare & think to myself,
i won’t give you the satisfaction.
i spite myself
instead of asking
for the most human of things
help
why won’t anyone
help
i think
as i close that door.

watch in real time as i battle my demons. tonight, oy, the last week…longer?…my demons have been chewing on the cords of my self.
chewing…chewing…chewing

i buried myself

i try to bury myself
with life
with living things
land, plants, pets, livestock
children
i hoard
to try to fill a hole
that deep dark unquenchable
hole
i call my heart
to feel needed…
but that need
it overwhelms me
& all i want to do
is run away
to shed my skin
to start
anew.

i’m in a bad place. i wish i knew why. i am a bad person. i wish i knew why.
sigh.
my biggest fear is becoming my own parents.
tonight i felt like i have become their shadow.
i don’t want to be my parents.
i want to be a good person.

but as my mom liked to say,
the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

pray for me, my lovelies…

listen up sheeples

born of evie the sheep, sired by tyler durden…it’s lambchop II.

i was outside yesterday, checking on my wayward minions, when i heard a weird bleating coming from the pasture. i found evie the sheep on the far side of the pasture, in labor. she would lay, heaving & pushing, then she would get up–re-position–and lay back down to bleat & push. i noticed when she stood up that there was a pair of legs hanging out of her sheep vagina. since i am new to the who sheep raising business, i don’t know if this is normal or not.

but i didn’t panic. i trusted that she knew what she was doing…or nature would take it’s course. i was told that hair sheep are pretty good at taking care of the lambing themselves. so i waited & watched. then i let evie know–she is a pretty timid sheep & doesn’t let me near her–that i was there to help. and asked her if she needed help.

she didn’t seem certain one way or the other. so i waited a little longer.

finally i got the feeling that she was pushing, but not much was happening. so i got up and went to her and held her up and encouraged her. i could see the back legs of her lamb hanging out… and the little tail wagging! so i gave that little lamb butt a tug and the lamb came right out.

i caught a baby lamb while my minions watched from the sidelines.

that’s pretty cool, right? see what i’m teaching them?

which brings me to why i got on here to make a post in the first place.
the world is fucked, y’all.
it’s fucked.
i am a mess because i am an antenna for all the bullshit going on all day long all over this fucked up planet.
sure, there is good stuff…& people trying to make a difference…but evil is more powerful than good. good is more persistent, but evil is more powerful.(my latest epiphany while watching star wars: episode III last night with the minions)
most people–even if they are aware of the problems happening–do not have the discipline or whatever to actually change their lives. they just kind of shrug and say, “oh well.” and those are the ones that actually have pulled their heads out of the sand to have a look around. most people prefer to hum loudly & close their eyes.

very few people are actually willing to change their lives.

i know i should be trying even harder than i am. i look at the packaging on the groceries i buy and i want to cry. how do i buy groceries with less packaging when no one will produce groceries with less packaging? often times the organic red peppers or cucumbers and individually wrapped for fuck’s sake! why does a vegetable need to be wrapped in plastic? fuck me running. i try to buy good products…but then there is packaging. so much fucking packaging. i will never buy sandwich cookies again. seriously? so much fucking packaging.

so i know i am just one lunatic screaming into my ham radio…preaching to the choir probably, because why would someone listen to this unless they already agreed with me?

so the world is fucked and i need to figure out a way to not let this turn me into an screaming lunatic…but still keep working to save it. to hear & feel the world around me…without letting it kill me. to keep trying…even if it feels like i’m using a spoon to dig out the grand canyon.

fuck. i need to meditate & do some fucking yoga..maybe go watch my sheep for a bit.

oh! and i need to finish these two inks i started a few days ago but have been too fucked up by this fucked up world to work on since:

i can’t play the game

the internet game. i can’t do it. i can’t do facebook. i can’t network. i am terrible at being anything but sincere. and i am completely crushed when my sincerity is not returned in kind. i take people at face value…so if they are disingenuous, i feel like it is a personal attack.

i can’t play the game.

i should be a bronte sister hidden away on the moors. dreaming my silly dreams and never being allowed to interact with others. then i can keep my hopes intact. i could just send my stories & art out in the post and hear back in six weeks as to whether my stories and art will make it to publication.

i can’t do the internet.

i hate how fake i sound when i post about my fucking chickens when i just want to twist their heads off because i have control issues, and chickens are just uncontrollable…unless they are nuggets. i hate how fake i sound when i post about something cute my kids did or my garden when i feel like i am falling apart. when i feel like i am the worst mom ever. when i feel like it is all a sham. why am i even here? what is the point? i just want to pack my bags and disappear.

i can’t do this anymore.

i wonder if anyone else feels like this? that the world has become one stupid photo op? one stupid witty quip. one stupid tweet. one stupid selfie. one stupid picture of what isn’t falling apart in your life. just don’t look too close at that picture and everything will be fine.

or am i truly alone.

on the moors.

with my dreams whipping away in the wind.

tomorrow’s child

this is what i started with

tomorrowschild1

so i found the mama first.
man, she looks sad. the weight of the world, right?
i found her imaginings of her unborn child around her.
fairy creatures by her feet.
i wonder…with all that is going on in the world. it is a tough decision to bring new life. the weight of all that is wrong, balanced with what all could be.
that is my drawing today.
despair and hope.
all mixed together.