on dreams, demons, & being haunted

in the dream
it was a lonely house
on a hill
shrouded in darkness
foreboding
terrifying
until i was forced to enter
to save us all
from a greater
danger…
the house was
beautiful
on the inside
…but haunted…
a specter
rose up
threateningly
behind my companion
i wrestled it to the ground
only to realize
it was just
a child
“tell me why
you have so much
anger?”
i asked the child
&
the pain
was
released.

so this is a dream i had. it was pretty profound & felt really meaningful. i laid in bed pondering it. what do i do with this?
am i supposed to help other people exorcise their demons? or is it just another pat on the back from the universe for doing all the work to wrestle my own?
of course, i am still wrestling my demons.
case in point, my inking today is heavily borrowed from the artist david mack because i am going through a thing where i think my own work sucks & what is the point?
today, while on a walk, i started asking my frowning face–“why so stressed? what is there really to be stressed about?” and for a moment i let myself smile again.
but i can find reasons to be sad & even woke up this morning to a dream of my telling someone that sometimes i just don’t have a smile inside me….

so, yeah, still wrestling some demons….

pretty picture

pretty picture
they say
how much?
i tell them
& they walk away
&
i spin
am i asking
too much?
sure
ink is cheap
paper too
but
i put so much of myself
in every
inking
years & years
of trying
of failing
of hurting
of growing
of figuring shit out
pretty lady
they say
what are you worth?
any price
i put on me
is going to be
too much
just
walk away.

i have now a diminished idea of what my inkings are worth. so if you want some, now would be the time to buy!
conversely, i now have the highest self-esteem i have ever had since childhood. did i have self-esteem in childhood? i can’t remember for sure. i mean, sometimes i can’t tell the difference between self-esteem & just not giving a fuck.

last day of inktober.

tomorrow starts nanowrime & my first year ever doing it.

twilight with sunflowers

is this my normal
is this my baseline
is happiness
just a
blip
on the scanner
every once
in
awhile
the status quo
however
is barely being able
to find a reason
to get out of
bed.

i’m feeling better since i wrote this. halloween gets me all giddy. i am making the kids do a dress rehearsal today.
but when i feel down down down in the dark dark dark…it does feel like a forever thing.
of course, when i’m back up again–it feels that much more magical.

this sucks

how am i still
failing
at something i have been doing
every
day
for fifteen years?
sometimes
it is the
only
thing i do
yet still
i suck
at being a mom
the one thing
i thought
once upon a time
i might
be good at.

this is an ongoing thing for me. one day maybe i won’t feel this way? or the world will end….

there is a page now on the commons website about my exhibit!
also, still available, that book i wrote….

something different

i should try something
different
i think
this
obviously
isn’t working
i gesture to the life
around me
the chaos i am
waist deep
in
the disorder
the depression
the overwhelming
sense
of helplessness…
i should try something
different
i whisper
to myself
but for the life of me
i cannot
think
of anything else
i haven’t
already
tried.

dipping my toes in darkness…again. yesterday i was dancing…today not so much. but, you know, the dance of life, the dance we do as we try to get better–two steps forward one step back.
which means, i am always dancing.
but the music changes….

just keep dancing

i have decided to join
the church
of ann-margret
if i look
half as fabulous
when i am almost 80
if i can
shake my ass
half as gloriously
when i am her age…
i have accepted
the teachings
of ann-margret
into my heart
never
stop
dancing & being
fabulous.

i was binge watching “happy” & ann-margret appeared to me in a vision of loveliness and changed my life
or at least gave it a push in a good direction
so now
much like in west side story
i am determined to dance my troubles out.

(adopting this philosophy is still a work in progress & might take awhile to fully adopt, but my first step is a dance step)

if wishes were frogs

i regret
that i only have
one beer in my
fridge…
ideally
i should have
one drink per child
available to me
at
all
times.

self-medicating…. proof that i am not an alcoholic, when i wrote this, there were actually two more beers in my fridge…i just wasn’t looking hard enough.
you may have guessed i’m still struggling with stress levels & being a mom…& just for shits & giggles, dusty is freaking out on me again now too. but i have a new coping mechanism for that….
sock puppet renditions of “texts from exes”!! coming soon to a youtube channel near you.

ps. for anyone wanting a copy of my book. i just need your address & $10 sent to my paypal or mailed to me (ask me for my address).
you can email me at: quixoticmama@gmail.com

wasted

my life has been
a complete
waste
of time
&
it’s not
that i want to die…
i just want to punish
everyone
who has ever claimed
to love
me.

more dark thoughts from poppy’s birthday. i would write more…but i’m feeling kinda crappy again.
today is my dead mom’s birthday (we had issues)…& having physical copies of my book on hand is making me spin out a bit & feel like a raging fraud/waste of space.
so, yeah, wasted….

blown away

i feel like
i have kept myself alive
for far longer
than has served
any
purpose
done things
that never needed
were never meant
to be
done
&
now
cannot be undone
as i stubbornly plow forward
with this life
like a person
in a strong wind
holding tight
with all
their
might
so as not to be
blown
away.

ah more motherhood regrets as i feel like a complete shit of a mom. yay.
i am feeling better now.
it all seemed to accumulate on poppy’s birthday…all my festering feelings of not being able to hack it. & then getting physically sick despite my working so hard on my immune system–making it clear to me that i really really need to address my stress overload.
i wonder sometimes, if it weren’t for the whole/organic foods, art journaling, & yoga…would i just be dead from the stress.

a bit of green

they erupt after you have give up hope
just staring out
at the grey slush…
&
wait!
there is something green!
the greys, browns, & white
have dominated for so so long
ever since the twinkle lights were so
unceremoniously
packed away
& you were beginning to think
life was a colorless
thing
mostly colorless
(no offense to the greys, browns, & white)
but, c’mon
for being the shortest calendar month
february can go on for a really
really
fucking long time
so
whether a squirrel moved it there
or it’s a forgotten hopeful thing you planted
green is now inching its way
out of the mushy brown
&
wait!
doesn’t that kind of describe
you
the way you
feel
as well?

it’s out of season, but this was a writing prompt given in the little group i am trying to get started.

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