wild thing

who knows
maybe somewhere
there is a max
king of the wild things
who has a trick
of taming me…
until then
i will roar
my terrible roar
gnash
my terrible teeth
& show
my terrible claws
& wait
for someone
who understands
someone
who will not go
knowing
i love him so.

i kinda feel bad for anyone who ends up in a relationship with me. it will take a special one. i find myself stalking the tender-hearted…but as i posted yesterday, i usually end up just tearing them to pieces. the tender ones are yummy…but i might need someone tough….

what i really really want

okay
i know what i want
a man
whom i do not
have to take care of
a man
who is utterly
hopelessly
devoted to me
an equal
be that he is broken
or whole
fire or earth
he will not need to be
rescued
& he will think i am
the cat’s pajamas.

uugh. more thoughts on relationships. but! an important thought at least.
what i want from a relationship: a dude who does not need to be rescued!!!!!! i don’t care if he has issues–just as long as he does not make them my issues.
recently in an exchange with dusty, he said something about how he & i were both broken when we met–& expected the other one to fix us. i told him to speak for himself.
i have never ever ever expected anyone to fix me. i just want someone to accept me & celebrate me & let me deal with my own issues. & i will do the same for him.

not of this world

i think maybe i am waiting
longing
for someone who is not
of this realm
i think maybe
i am not the only one
who feels
this way
songs full of other world
energy
art on a canvas
showing us
an understanding
not of this world
but an impossible other
stories that explore worlds
we can only see
in our hearts…
i can only hope
that the someone whom my heart
calls to
somehow finds his way
to share
not just an emotional sphere
with me
but a physical one
as well.

i’m getting tired of my own posts about relationships. i wrote this like a week ago? and since then i have downward spiraled to a place where i am “fuck everyone i’m going to dig a hole & never come out.”
so relationships are not a top priority for me at this moment in time as i try to dig myself back out of the grave i have put myself in to.
and i’m kind of annoyed with me.
but! i do remember that i wrote this post after crying while reading the wishing of biddy malone to my kids. a story about an irish lass who falls in love with a fairy.

i do really like the creepy baby hand angel though.

spectacular

i can’t do mundane
it must be
spectacular
if i can’t have
spectacular
i will have
nothing
i will be alone
i’m too old
it’s too late
to settle for less than
amazing.

more thoughts on relationships. i spent all those years when i was young & the world was my oyster not being discriminating at all in my dating habits.
now i’m older with much fewer options for companionship, and all of a sudden i have developed standards? that sounds about right.

scared silly

yeah i’m scared
i’m totally terrified
but
does that mean
i want to hide away
for the rest
of my
life
or!
do i want to
take a chance
& risk
another
broken
heart?

more thoughts on dating & relationships & venturing out from behind my walls…my glorious walls….

tall dark & handsome

he came to me in a dream
ready to end
my misery
with talons
like razors
a creature from–
well…
nightmares
a feathered man
tall dark & handsome
my sure
demise
but to my credit
i fought
for my
wretched
life
even resorting to
my
feminine
wiles.

a little something different.
maybe too much halloween candy, but i had a vivid dream last night about a big blackbird-man who came to finish me off. except he was also sexy. i think i have a pretty conflicted view of men.
speaking of….
so who remembers clan of the cave bear? my brain often references the idea in it that ayla is guarded by her spirit animal, the cave bear who scarred her. she is thereby deemed to have too strong of an energy for most men to mate with her and make a child with her.
i think of the grizzly bear as one of my main spirit guides. i feel her energy in me & feel i am protected by her.
i have found that my strength makes dating tricky. which i think is weird…but it seems to be true.
until (at least) this point in my life i have chosen physically small men. feminine men. men who do not seem threatening to me…. yes, i chose them. if i wait to be chosen, it is a long wait. however, most of the men i choose then turn me upside down–& not in a good way. most of them seem threatened by me. most of them try to dominate & degrade me.
so i’m thinking maybe i should be looking for a romantic interest that has–at least–the grizzly bear spirit i have?
i dunno.
just brainstorming here. it’s not like i have suitors lining up at my door to choose from.

 

random thoughts

i am not on facebook or twitter anymore because i always feel i am spitting into an ocean… (though i did just find out that my facebook accounts have remained up despite my deactivating them last spring. i deactivated again…but if someone sees they are still up, please let me know.)

i have random thoughts throughout the day.
i am single & rural & in the company of children.
if these random thoughts are not “art journal worthy” they just waft away with the wind….

like…
“i think i’m just going to have another beer & be sad.”
now i can’t remember any other random thoughts…maybe because of the one beer i did have.
but here’s a hypothetical for y’all. say a super cute, very cool guy contacted you via okcupid. he was what you were advertising for: an artist farmer.
so he contacts you & you message back & forth & seem to have a lot in common & possibly some chemistry….. then he gives you his contact information (website, phone number, & instagram) & he deactivates his okcupid account.
so you go to his website & you message him.
& wait
& wait
& he messages back that he is very busy but thinks your artwork is great & smiley face.
& that is the last you hear from him

is that it? is it over? i am not great with relationships (what? no!) and i am a bit socially retarded (impossible!)
crap.
that was it, wasn’t it? something didn’t click after all? maybe i’m too crazy? or i have four kids? or he found the perfect woman for him in between messages to me?

this is impossible. dating is for sadists…& the masochists who love them.
i am going to have that second beer.
fuck it all anyway.

ps. i went outside to put away goats & ducks & chickens & geese & hamlet the turkey and now i feel a bit less morose…but i still might have beer & watch a tragically romantic movie.

pss. does anyone else get a little sad when they post something they think is smashing & it gets lukewarm response?

who do you think you are?

stand up for yourself
so i can push you over
knock you down
think better of yourself
but no–not so much
what? you think
you’re better than me?
hold your head high
there. that makes it easier
for me to punch you
when you least expect it
why do girls like you
always date assholes
instead of nice guys
like me?

because….
with an asshole, at least
you know know what you’re
in for….

i got expressive figure drawing by bill buchman. i regret i never took a figure drawing class. i mean, i know the basics…but i need a lot more work. a class would have been fun. so i got this book. i haven’t read it yet, but i did do a self-portrait using the sketch on the front of the book after writing this poem.
the poem is inspired by lots of things…mostly by my own experiences with men feeling simultaneously attracted to & threatened by my strengths, my independence, & all those things about me i won’t apologize for.
i have a profile up over on okcupid–to basically just meet people & have conversations…maybe build some bridges…and now more than one guy has seen my profile as a challenge?

to you fuckers who think i’m some kind of challenge, something for you to conquer–fuck the fuck off.

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