the door out of the darkness

emerge from the dark
go through that open door
fly higher
urges the hawk

yesterday i was talking to a friend about the invisible exhibitionist
telling the story once more about how i first became invisible
i was the fourth of six children; i was the third of four daughters.
i was a quiet child.
once i asked my mother why my younger sister got whatever she wanted. “the squeaky wheel gets the grease,” my mom answered.
rightfully so–this pissed me off. it made me more determined not to be a squeaky wheel but to earn reward by my own merit & my own hard work. to be noticed for being remarkable…not for being loud & obnoxious.
so i waited quietly for said reward.
sigh.
i have stayed invisible all my life out of spite…and no one has noticed.
now i find myself unwilling to promote myself for the same (misguided?) reason.
i don’t want to get noticed just for being the fucking squeaky wheel. i want to be noticed for being amazing….

additionally!
my latest meditation revealed that not only am i afraid to be noticed. but also i have purposely hidden myself for fear that if i am somehow noticed, i will be deemed unworthy of attention. i am more comfortable in the dark than i am in the light.

i knew this on some level already, but now i feel it is time to drag that belief out and really work it over.

my energy worker told me i am all twisted up right now.
maybe it is time for me to twirl myself out into the light.

free flying

so many times
of my angel & demon
fighting
for the dominant
shoulder
my thinking
i’m a terrible person
when i let my
demon
fly free
…now
i find myself

thinking
“huh”
maybe my demon
should
have the reins
maybe my demon
knows
best.

i am not sure my demon knows best. some pretty dark thoughts have rattled around in my head these past few days. long story short, demons & motherhood are a dangerous mix….
but i do value my demons. i always have. they have some great ideas & give my life so much texture & color!
they do get me in trouble…but now i find myself wondering if that is so bad. maybe creating a little trouble is a good thing. shaking things up. maybe if i didn’t fear the opinions of others & worry that i am upsetting someone or another….
yup. still doing the dance of finding balance. of finding me.

april fools

my world feels like it is falling down
around me
so why does my subconscious
take this time
to bring you alive
again
some cosmic april fool’s joke
waking from dreams
into more dreams
of you.

so many praying hands! then i realized i also had praying hands in yesterday’s inking…which i did not realize when i was doing this one.
what am i trying to manifest in my life right now? peace? faith? grounding?
trust in myself? trust in my path?
why so many praying hands?
also i am doing daily tarot card draws. a me card & a conflict card. yesterday was the tower card crossed by the inverted nine of swords (massive suffering) making me wonder if two negatives make a positive in tarot…. but when i drew the cards i was all, “yup…me crashing and burning…again”
today is a little better. today is six of swords crossed by sacrifice. six of swords is slow path to healing–the sacrifice card (for me) references issues of control (i get that one a lot.)
and i checked my journal…it was february 20th when i began this crash & burn, before that i was doing really really well.
too well.
now i am hopefully close to crawling out of the demolished tower of me to rebuild…again.

what’s this?

what’s this?
i don’t feel crazy this day
what’s this?
how do i function when my world isn’t falling apart?
how do i be a version of me angst-free?

sometimes my brain doesn’t feel like it’s on fire, and it’s like when you have had a constant pain & then it disappears. it is exactly like that.
i have been spiraling downward for a few weeks now. it’s not common for me to spend that long in my dark places. i have figured a lot of things out while traipsing through those dark places…but it is nice, every once in awhile, to be able to come up for air.

twilight with sunflowers

is this my normal
is this my baseline
is happiness
just a
blip
on the scanner
every once
in
awhile
the status quo
however
is barely being able
to find a reason
to get out of
bed.

i’m feeling better since i wrote this. halloween gets me all giddy. i am making the kids do a dress rehearsal today.
but when i feel down down down in the dark dark dark…it does feel like a forever thing.
of course, when i’m back up again–it feels that much more magical.

something different

i should try something
different
i think
this
obviously
isn’t working
i gesture to the life
around me
the chaos i am
waist deep
in
the disorder
the depression
the overwhelming
sense
of helplessness…
i should try something
different
i whisper
to myself
but for the life of me
i cannot
think
of anything else
i haven’t
already
tried.

dipping my toes in darkness…again. yesterday i was dancing…today not so much. but, you know, the dance of life, the dance we do as we try to get better–two steps forward one step back.
which means, i am always dancing.
but the music changes….

miserable creature

was there ever
joy
in my life
have i always been this
miserable creature
i see
in the mirror
was my heart ever
a light place
or
was this darkness
just born to me?

so on top of a head cold, two of my sons had birthdays this past week. my seven year old was a difficult one. the pregnancy was physically easy, but emotionally a trainwreck.
dusty found a shiny new girlfriend while i was pregnant for poppy. that went on throughout the pregnancy, birth, & first two years of poppy’s life.
so, unfortunately, a day where i should feel happiness turns me into a puddle of misery as i remember how awful i felt for those years.

tea party with demons

the voices come
& the voices whisper
“you’re fucked.”
it’s my nightly meeting
with my demons
they’ve come for a tea party
butter on toast
(monsters love toast)
it’s a thing
every night
the whispers
& epic songs
telling of my ultimate
& fanatastic
failures
i love my demons
i do
i might even miss them
if they were
gone
miss their nasty
little
whispers
& predictions
of doom…
but no worries
they are always
close by
to keep me
company.

a few beers & witchery with a friend had me singing this out about my demons. what is light without dark? what is good without mischief? i do love my demons. they keep me on my toes.

mothra’s day

if you’ve been with me for a year or more, you might remember my feelings about mother’s day.
i thought i was ready this year…but not so much.
interestingly, most of my dark dark darkness happened on the day before mother’s day. then i declared that mother’s day was cancelled & it would be henceforth known as “mothra’s day.”
after that, i felt better.
here is one of three pages written during my mother’s day darkness.

more martyr than saint

my mom used to say, “it takes a saint to live with a martyr.” she had a bunch of fun sayings.
“people in hell want ice water”
“the road to hell is paved with good intentions”
etc.
this one, the martyr/saint one, was usually directed at my paternal grandmother….

any hoo!
this thought was about my own children. that they drive me to the brink of darkness, but then are the one thing that gives me a reason to smile again.
funny how that works.
those things we love can really torture us.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑