i am feeling
instead of killing
i have been thinking a lot. go figure. it’s my favorite past-time.
this week, i took two of my lambs, my first two lambs, and i learned how to butcher them.
i had so much anxiety leading up to it. dread. serious contemplations on vegetarianism.
then the time came, and i was fine. i was more than fine. i was doing things i never knew i could do.
and it made me think about how emotional detachment has always been part of my damage…but sometimes…sometimes…it really comes in handy.
i started thinking about “dysfunctional life skills.”
the things we learn in order to survive a fucked-up childhood or an abusive relationship. those weird super powers. sometimes they cause us pain…other times they save us.
i want to explore this more.
but right now i am binging on jessica jones
and wondering why i am so attracted to the character kilgrave. is it just because he is played by david tennant? or is it another part of my damage to seek out other darkness? or is it just that i am empathetic to a fault and want to save those other damaged souls?
an empty house leaves too much time to think.
i don’t want to do this anymore
every life decision
is just my setting myself up
i don’t want to do this
but i have built myself
& i don’t know how to get out
& then i find myself thinking
well…there is that one way out…
the one we’re not supposed
& then i think
but when i read
i can’t help but think
this was just about as low as i got this week. of course, there is no escaping my life. it’s not like i can drop the animals off at the humane society & my kids off at the orphanage & go live on the french riviera…
instead i have to do the hard work. you know, learn how to cope. learn how not to resort to being an asshole & then hating myself & hating my life.
i guess i need to do that.
ps. though i like to draw myself nude because it seems to portray how vulnerable i feel. i have this weird (catholic?) fear of drawing my pubic area. i was pleased with myself for fashioning a “fig leaf” of sorts in this self-portrait.
as they lay sleeping
my heart squeezes
& i think,
i won’t be a crap-ass mom
i won’t lose my mind.”
then morning comes
& the demons inside me
come out to dance
with the demons
i have a really bad habit of not waiting until the page is dry to take a picture. plus these are all on journal paper with the idea that i will do a bigger & better version on some nice watercolor paper or canvas even (ink on canvas is a gamble) if i ever get a chance & like the original enough.
my page is all wrinkly & weird looking.
this is a dark subject that i have kind of made light about. because…well, i have trouble taking my pain seriously.
but tomorrow is another day.
i’m in a piss-ass mood…
ironically…”don’t worry, be happy” is playing on my radio.
but we all know how that ended….
i texted dusty today to let him know i think is a terrible idea for us to live together again in any context.
so then he called…and i said i was busy…and he said “please, please, please” and i said, “no.” but he kept insisting i talk to him.
so i got on the goddamned phone and told him he needs to start taking responsibility for his shit. that i am tired of rescuing him. that he needs to stop taking the easy route and start actually working for a future instead of fantasizing about one.
i’m just so fucking desperate that sometimes dusty seems like a good idea.
so fucking desperate….
and still my inktobers are getting lukewarm receptions.
so i’m just doing whatever the fuck because no one seems to notice either way.
the story of my life
if you think about it
i will be doing some dark & depressing memoir bullshit comics….
today is another experiment with white on gray tone paper. it was kind of a quick one. darker & weirder than yesterday’s super happy one that provoked thoughts of beatrix potter and disney. maybe an antidote to the sweet of yesterday’s ink.
today’s is kind of sparse…but it felt done. so i let it be instead of trying to fill up negative space.
so! now that people are asking for originals (only a couple so far, but i’m hoping it will become a trend) i am having to learn how to price my stuff. from a book about selling art online, i was given the advice today that if you are not a little bit uncomfortable with the price you are asking–you probably are under-pricing your art. that made sense to me, as i’m sure it does to many other artists. so that is going to be my major tell. i am going to imagine asking for prices and see where my comfort zone is–and then push it.
also! in learning to value myself & my art, i am going to have to invest in more good paper. yesterday’s was done on watercolor paper whereas today’s was done on lighter weight paper. when i use the pad i used for yesterday’s, my work is almost always of a better quality. the stain works better & the paper holds the ink better. the mixed media & sketch ones i like to goof off in do not translate as well. which is fine, until someone wants to buy one & i am all like, “well, the paper is crap.” so i really need to invest in more of the good stuff. though i do like how the ink messes with the weaker paper. i would probably mount/back the lighter paper with thicker paper or mat. i did that today with one that was done in my journal, “jar of hearts.” i removed it from my journal and affixed it to a heavier piece of colored paper.
because that journal paper is so thin, there is some noticeable glue marks however. fortunately, the buyer was okay with it. i need to play around more and figure the best way to do this. make sure i can present my art in a marketable & professional-ish way.
i have a lot of stuff on mediocre paper. but i think the art is good even if the paper sucks. so i think i will just price them accordingly.
i can do this. this is not scary. i can do this. this is not scary. i can do this.