fallen XIV

it always seems
i am looking
at myself
from a place
other than
me
taking notes
making
observations
i am my own diane fossey
studying
the mountain gorillas
of my mind
i am always
removed…
maybe
i need
to come down
off
my mountain
&
get
dirty
with my human
self.

i am turning myself into a work of fiction for my fallen series. this is an interesting development for me. i mean, it’s me…but on a fictional level. i am sure other writers are familiar with this. becoming their own characters. being a character…as well as the creator. this isn’t the first time, of course. all my life i have been a character in my own story.
okay, several characters, depending on which voice is narrating.
the fallen series is just a new flavor for me…(new flavor of me?)
i like it.

Advertisements

fallen XIII

no wonder
you think
you don’t like people
yet
are strangely
fascinated
by them
no wonder
you think
you’ve always
believed
you could fly
that there was more
than just shoulder blades
sprouting from
your back
no wonder
you think
lights go dark
bulbs explode
when you walk down the street
electricity never behaves
when you are
around
no wonder
you think
you could always hear
the whispers
of trees
& suffered
the wrath
of disgruntled fairies…
you watch
as the puzzle pieces
snap
snap
into place
a complete
picture
is forming
a picture you have avoided
looking at
for
your
entire
life.

using second person in place of first person is so much fun. i mean, since i am always looking at myself from a place other than me…it just works out for me.
(i just totally wrote an art journal page about that)

this exercise is working its way into being a full-length work of fiction (lets call it fiction.) i am pretty excited about it.

fallen XII

it wasn’t until i became a mother
that i stopped
doing
whatever i wanted
whenever i wanted to
although
that is not
entirely
true
after all
i was the type of mother
i wanted to be
ignoring parenting magazines
& how-to books
to do
instead
what i wanted to do
what i thought
best
however
motherhood did slow me down
& throw up
roadblocks
no more
instant
gratification
i had to start playing
the long game
because
really
i do still follow my desires
& live my life
the way
i
decide
but this motherhood path
this path
is
definitely
more tricky
to
maneuver.

this verse, this concept, and even the illustration are terribly rough. (you ever use your hair to cover up a pimple or a bald spot? yeah, that’s kinda what’s going on here….)
man, i even resorted to using some white out–i almost never do that–you know, choosing to live with my mistakes is one reason i use ink. but i really fucked this one up.
i did not write it intending it to be part of the fallen series…but due to its topic being “desires”…i felt it fit.
if anything makes me the devil, it is my determination to follow my desires. as well as my encouraging others to do so.

i feel i should explore this further, desires vs. motherhood. motherhood definitely puts a kink in one’s dreams–even if part of those dreams were to be a mother…cause little demons, they aren’t always what you expect & plan for.
yes, this thought needs fleshing out.

fallen XI

sometimes
i want to
watch
the world burn
as i drink
the blood of my
enemies
other times
i’m happy
lazing about a meadow
wild flowers
in
my
toes
finding dinosaurs in the
clouds…
you know
before setting the world
ablaze
& using my enemies’ skulls
as
goblets.

life is just so much easier as the devil than as a single mother of four isolated in the flat lands of illinois.

this is the second version i did of this one. usually i will go with the first version unless i royally fuck it up. but every once in awhile, i do a second version because i cannot bring myself to post the first one.
this was a case of that.
i liked the first version, but i was a bit frumpy in it.
jesus, i’m frumpy enough in real life, i thought to myself. if i’m going to be the devil, i want to look good doing it.
so here is my version of my looking good.

and i drew clothes on me for those of you who think i always do nudes because i’m too lazy to draw clothes (ha!)

fallen X

your whole life spent
in punishment
for your sins
did you choose
parents would would not
love
you
naturally following
a choice of men
who could not
love
you
to draw the
conclusion
you
are
unlovable?
your punishment
your sins
your wrongs
you’re wrong
you have not
sinned
you do not deserve
this
hell
you lock yourself
into
no
no more shackles
no more self-flagellation
you are
lovable
you do deserve
love
spread your wings
you sexy
beast
spread your wings
&
fly.

catholicism, that double-edged sword–messed me up a plenty, but also gave my art & writing a flavor that i love.

fallen IX

i am wrath
i am punishment
i am the truth speaker
i wreak
havoc
on those
who prey so easily
on tender hearts
it is a cosmic
joke
that we all pretend
to be so
“human”
so civilized
no longer animals
something
“better”
we have forgotten
what we really
are
it is time
to
remember
i think it is my purpose
to remind
us
&
i wonder
will you see that as a punishment
or
a reward?
chaos
or a return
to order?

some deep & incoherent thoughts for you from my devil persona. i have all of this going on in my head, translating it is tricky.

fallen VII

when i noted that
my children
were
the spawn of satan
i assumed
that if was their
father
who was the
devil
on retrospect
i should have realized
he was too
lazy
unmotivated
& lacking in follow through
to be a king
of the underworld
i, however,
am a dedicated
loving
nurturing
queen of the damned

i’m sure y’all aren’t surprised i was happy to find yet another way to use the madonna & child symbolism.

as i was illustrating this, i was being tormented by my minions. while climbing all over me, three out of four of them asked me who was in the picture (the oldest one claimed he knew better than to ask me.)
i answered each of them, “it’s you & me.”
the two boys acted upset by my drawing horns on the heads.
my daughter did not seem fazed at all. of course, she has a 666 in her social security number & is left handed…. (seriously)
i mean, this devil stuff. it’s a woman’s job. attention to detail. multi-tasking. making sure the right people suffer. women’s work.

i asked my oldest son what he would think if he found out i was the devil. he said he wouldn’t be surprised.
and when i greeted iggy with, “greetings spawn of the devil.” he replied, “it takes one to know one.”

my kids are awesome. i love my lovely spawn.

fallen VI

it’s a relief really
realizing
what
you
are
embracing
your own heart
saying to the
catholic teachings
that tried to school you
in
right & wrong
saying
huh…you were right
women
are
the
devil
but more importantly
the devil
is
a
woman
and, that, my love
is just the very
tippy top
of the
iceberg.

i was having an epiphany when i wrote this page. it all made sense like when you just wake up from a dream knowing the meaning of life.
i will call this an exercise so that it is not overwhelming for you, but it is much more than that to me.
this exercise has opened my eyes & offered me a new way of looking at my life. a new way of looking at the world around me.
i hope i am able to flush it out.
perhaps it will become a book someday….

i have my pandora programmed with a handful of artists & she plays me a random selection based on that…i am amazed at how many songs have references to the devil & demons & angels. i guess i shouldn’t be amazed, it is so much a part of all of us.

we pretend to be “human” but what are we, really? i think we have forgotten.
i, for one, think it is time to remember.

fallen IV

like the rest
of them
you crawled into this world
through a woman
fully expecting
to crawl out again
through grave
you knew you were
different
with your imaginings
of your
stolen
wings
with your hearing
divine
voices
with your little
epiphanies
but all kids do that
right?
angels are wonderful
things
but you always felt
more at home
playing with
demons…
you never expected
that this was a
tell-tale sign
of your
true
nature.

i recently learned about an artist named eveyln de morgan (which is an awesome name.) she did some amazing work. i realized i
actually used her work once before, when i did myself as helen of troy.
this one here is inspired by another one of her paintings, clytie.
she did a lot of religious style works.
i might be borrowing from her a bit more during this series.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑