if i should fall down

yesterday i paid cash
for a house
an entire house
well, almost…
& today
i am giddy as fuck
the house is mine
if it should fall down
i will put it back up again
for every damage done to it
i will make repairs
because
the house is mine
after years of feeling lost
today, at least,
i feel as if i have found
my way
home.

i wrote this almost ten days ago & inked it a day or so after that…but i have not posted it because i was feeling sick of my art. that happens. yesterday i took another look at it & decided to post it.
also
i haven’t gotten much art done as my mind is all wrapped up in this house. thinking about solar power…thinking about rocket mass heating…thinking about a traditional farmhouse style of kitchen…thinking about replacing walls with shelves…tackling the yard gone wild…counting the trees & celebrating them…finding kindred spirits to put their energy into this massive project….
it can totally preoccupy a person.
but!
i do want to keep working on my art & my writing. so i am catching up on journal pages, working on my novel, and thinking about future projects that don’t require heavy lifting….

dreaming

i dreamed last night that i quite easily allowed
myself to be wooed by a pretty man full of
flattery & affection. he was a teacher who
was neglecting his students & i noted this
(as one of the students) but supported his
behavior anyway. by the end of the dream
he was tossing me aside to pursue another
woman. this woman, however, saw &
was repulsed by his shallow nature & easily
rejected him. i applauded her rejection of
him & validated it while vilifying the man…
still aware of my own seemingly shallow
nature in so eagerly encouraging his
affections previously….

a waking dream a few mornings back. it had a large impact on me…made me examine who i am and what i have learned about myself–especially concerning relationships and skeezy men. maybe it loops back to yesterday’s post about knowing what i am capable of.
can i be in a relationship right now? am i healthy enough? self-aware enough?
hmmm.
jury’s still out on this one.

holding space

i watched
as i could do nothing
except offer her a safe space
to fall apart
to hide from herself
& the world
i watched
& i realized
how far i had come
how far i had carried myself
& i wished
it was possible
to do the same
for her.

i was trying to illustrate how i am feeling. i am not sure it was successful. i wanted so much to help my sister in her mental break, but i’m not sure i did anything more than watch her tread water, barely keeping her head above….

april fools

my world feels like it is falling down
around me
so why does my subconscious
take this time
to bring you alive
again
some cosmic april fool’s joke
waking from dreams
into more dreams
of you.

so many praying hands! then i realized i also had praying hands in yesterday’s inking…which i did not realize when i was doing this one.
what am i trying to manifest in my life right now? peace? faith? grounding?
trust in myself? trust in my path?
why so many praying hands?
also i am doing daily tarot card draws. a me card & a conflict card. yesterday was the tower card crossed by the inverted nine of swords (massive suffering) making me wonder if two negatives make a positive in tarot…. but when i drew the cards i was all, “yup…me crashing and burning…again”
today is a little better. today is six of swords crossed by sacrifice. six of swords is slow path to healing–the sacrifice card (for me) references issues of control (i get that one a lot.)
and i checked my journal…it was february 20th when i began this crash & burn, before that i was doing really really well.
too well.
now i am hopefully close to crawling out of the demolished tower of me to rebuild…again.

words of wisdom

bathe in the enlightenment
that is me
1.) don’t give a fuck
2.) burn it all down
3.) take the money & run

yes. this was my trying to help my sister be as wise as i am. okay, look at it again. look at it with the eyes of someone who has been destroyed by emotional abuse. hey. it gets me through, this attitude of mine, it keeps me alive…and right now i’m just trying to help her stay alive.

earth day art

in between a sister have a psychotic break on my couch
waiting for the proof of my book to show up
(both excited & terrified)
& impulsively buying a house
that is at least as damaged as me…
i am working on art for an earth day exhibit
i have too many pieces already,
but it is so calming to thumb through my journals
and creating new pieces from old ones.

by the way
any piece you see here is totally for sale…
let’s say $60 for the 9X12 & $75 for the 12X16
(the story & goddess of creation)

update: the song, goddess of creation, & the story have all been spoken for

trash

i am brilliant trash
a plastic bag
dancing in the wind
a piece of tinsel
stuck in a tree branch
i am fantastic
majestic
trash
a paper boat
launched into a storm drain
lint woven into a bird’s nest
i am amazing
trash
living in fear
of being thrown away
of not being recognized
for my amazing
potential.

yup. another true story.
i cannot remember what inspired this page. i’m sure others have touched on this theme. it seems like a common one to folks like me. the broken & damaged with our dazzling souls just longing to be noticed.
sigh.
someday….

monster in my head

will i always
be attracted to the possessed
knowing what it is like
having a monster
in my head
how do i escape
the easy bond that forms
with those
who would gladly
join me & my demons
for tea time?

i was watching the marvel series legion and totally rooting for the main character even after it became obvious that he was not the “hero” of the story. i tend to really like the bad guys in a story–especially when the plot allows the watcher to bond with said bad guy.
sigh.
how am i supposed to find a good grounded man when i am still (still still still) digging your demon?

unlovable

i don’t want to be
alone
but i cannot imagine
anyone
loving me….

my broken bits shine in this one. it’s a deep fear of mine…or deep belief. i am working on rooting it out. as you will see in coming pages about my body image, mother image, and aging which affect and are affected by my feeling unlovable. hopefully i can exorcise this demon one day soon…or, entanglement of demons (the name of my next band.)

falling apart

i’m on the email list
apparently
for my old co-op & keep getting emails
about the upcoming reunion
fuck me
i want to burn that place to the ground
i moved in there
full of hope
i escaped there
a jaded & broken person
people are liars. people don’t even know they are liars.
but
they are liars.
they lie to themselves.
they lie to you.
they lie to me.
they pretend they want social justice
they pretend they want to make the world
a better place
they pretend they care about you
they are motherfucking hypocrites….

the carpet folks who saved my mom’s basement (where i live)
have not been paid
i contacted my siblings
before calling in help with the flooded basement
everyone told me to go ahead
call in professionals
the professionals came…did their job well…and saved
the carpet & wood siding
now no one is paying them
i don’t have the money
my mom does
my siblings do
not me
in my stupid stupidity moving here so my siblings could forget about this place
now my heart hurts
for a carpet company
who was unintentionally scammed
by me
it seems
am i a liar?
if i knew then, what i know now
i would have let this place
sink into the mud.

in one week
i will rent a u-haul
& go in a general direction
i have no destination
just
a
general direction
hoping
beyond hope
i will
somehow
land on my feet
once more.

here’s stuff going on over there:

the main image of this post is an art page that went south & so i just doodled the fuck out of it.

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