tripping joggers

how do i rationalize spending $100 on paper (sketch pads, etc) when i have no money? i dunno. some of the paper is for the minions who love to do art almost as much as i do. you know, so it’s homeschooling. and i spent only like $70 on solstice (christmas for you non-pagans) presents…so maybe it’s okay? also! i’m getting some of my deposit back from my apartment in madison that i moved out of almost a year ago.

funny story.
after trying to leave exhusband#2 multiple times i again agreed to get a place with him…even though he was actively cheating on me right in front of me.
ah, the lies we tell ourselves.
agreeing to live with him against my better judgement, i did so insisting that we move out of madison. madison is just too damn expensive, and exhusband#2 does not like to work, and i have yet to be paid for what i do every day. so i wanted to move somewhere where we would not be living paycheck to paycheck…but he did not want to abandon his girlfriend.
so
after trying to find an apartment for a family of six in another town with absolutely no help from exhusband#2
for some reason
i agreed to keep living in madison?
in an apartment we could not afford?
i paid the deposit. living off of credit cards and student loans, i paid the $1050 security deposit.
we moved in.
a month later, biking with the minions, i came across him making out with his girlfriend (whom he was always in the process of breaking up with) on the bike path by our house.  
i freaked out.
lost it.
crashed my bike.
broke my arm.
and kicked the slut in the knee.
the wrong slut, but the slut i was aiming for….
i got a citation for “disorderly conduct” and had to go to court and pay a fine.
so i told  him, “if you don’t break up with her by the end of the semester, i am moving out of madison.”
he didn’t.
i did.
going even further into debt to lease a u-haul to move me & four minions two hours away from madison….

did  i say this was a funny story?

and i found someone to sublet the madison apartment. a “friend” who said she would pay me the deposit…but never did. and then lied to me about it…repeatedly.

so i had pretty much written off that $1050 until yesterday when the landlord contacted me to say he was sending me the deposit. how much? i dunno. but at least some. a little more money. to rationalize my buying $100 worth of paper.

it’s for the art, people! i have priorities! it’s for the art!

i don’t have cable or a smartphone or a car or new clothes or fancy appliances…but by god, i have paper to draw on!!!
and some to mat with, hopefully, so i can put some of my inkings in a local gallery? dare i dream that little dream?
paper
i love you so.

(this inking/comic is another in a series i am playing with where i take random things i have written over the years. random sentences. random ideas. random “stories.” i am taking all of that randomness and trying to turn it into visual art. i used an ink stain and a random thought to create this one. very casual.)

(aww crap. i totally forgot to do the photo progression like i did in yesterday’s post. then you can see where i’m getting my ideas from the lines in the ink…but i forgot. or rather, i was wrestling with crazy minions while trying to do art & was lucky just to finish an inking! the more i do this however, the more i should remember to photograph my procession to whimsy.)

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yellow!

i don’t like all of the pictures i do. i put them up whether i like them or not. but i don’t like them all. i am always surprised when someone loves one of the pictures that i hate.

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i guess it just goes to show how different we all really are.

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then i am equally surprised when a drawing i love & cherish gets no reaction at all. then i start digging around for approval…and am devastated if i cannot drum up the enthusiasm from others that i feel for my art.

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it feels like a rejection of me.

yellow4

so how come when someone embraces a picture i make that i deem ugly & unworthy, that doesn’t somehow validate the part of me that feels unlovable?

it’s a puzzle.

in case you are wondering. this is one of the ones that i love. so i will wait
quietly
impatiently
urgently
desperately
for y’all to sing it’s praises….

so i can feel like i matter.

(no pressure)

bus stop waiting

it’s probably not a good sign that i am googling things like “i just want to talk.” and looking on wordpress for blogs with “lonely” and “lost” in them. i would go on a dating site, but they give me the heeby-jeebies. i usually end up deleting my profile after a couple of hours. i end up getting way too much attention when i go on dating sites. how desperate are these people? i wonder. and i effectuate a hasty retreat.

what does it say that i find so many others when i use search words such as “lost,” “lonely,” and “just talk to me”?

maybe we are all lost & lonely & looking to talk to someone…anyone.

it’s been a long time, if ever, where i was in a relationship with a kindred spirit. someone i could open up to. someone with whom i did not feel lonely or lost. did i ever have that?

maybe. maybe once.

but i have spent a lot of my life feeling alone. i was born unconventional in a conventional small town. the quiet one. the strange one. it’s always been difficult for me to find people who understand me.
i know there are others like me.
i’ve seen the memes on facebook.
but somehow i have trouble believing they would understand me either. how can everyone be so different and strange? and how can i be so different and strange that i don’t even fit in with the different and strange?

i think i might be a different species. logical conclusion, right?

and i’ve decided that vincent van gogh is the patron saint of misfit artists. sorry. i was working on drawing while the minions made me watch doctor who. you know the episode with vincent van gogh? it makes me cry every time.

i don’t want to die alone. i mean, i know everyone essentially dies alone. born alone; die alone. all that. but i really mean, i don’t want to die alone. i want to find that one person. that one person who makes sense. and that one person who understands me.

i know that’s asking a lot.

but it could happen…right?

narcoleptic woodpecker

i have whole files full of one line–one paragraph–one page stories. whole journals full of incomplete thoughts and epiphanies. are you ready? i’m going to make them all into comics. maybe. if you’re lucky. turn them all into visual art. use what i have learned in my ink blot tests. use what i have learned in my comic making. use my whimsy and my darkness.

are you ready?

it’s the next step of my metamorphosis. changing and staying the same.

i got a lot done today as i am off of facebook forever…again. i worked on art files & writing files. i had to move all of my stories to google docs because my microsoft word expired and i am one broke-ass mama.
really.
i have no money.
i am living off of credit cards wondering if my ex will ever send me child support. probably not. when the kids stayed the week with him, he sent all their dirty laundry home with me because he didn’t want to use his mom’s detergent as i might not like it.
um…?
so i nicely suggested he buy his own laundry detergent.
i was nice about it.
really, i was. i am working very hard on not being aggressive…passive-aggressive–reactionary…any of those things that kept me in that same destructive cycle with him. i am being a model of cool, calm, & collected.
(that was what it said under my dad’s yearbook picture. my dad, destined to be a violent alcoholic…cool, calm, and collected. so…maybe i will have to work really hard on it as my example of cool, calm, and collected is a bit skewed….)

but i wasn’t so cool, calm, and collected with my kids. i had a screaming fit that scared the crap out of them. what’s the good of not being physically violent with my kids if i am going to lose my mind & scar them accordingly?
“i am losing my mind!” my three year old will say to me.
right.
i always love when they model my bad behavior right back at me.
i have a long way to go on being a sane parent. sometimes i cry, wondering if i would have been a good mom if i had had a supportive husband. if i had had loving parents of my own. if i hadn’t of been broken so severely and completely and eternally.

baby steps.
until i run out of time.

narc2

making waves

look at me
i did two drawings today.

this one got away from me a bit.

inkstainwaves

it got pretty damn happy.
but i guess it is all practice.
and this is my first dolphin?
i think?

i dunno.

i’m feeling kinda
“meh”
about my art lately.

maybe my next one….

jar of hearts

when i travel…
actually all day long
every day
…i listen to the radio
but especially
when i am driving.

it is like my own personal
oracle
telling me of loves lost
and ones to come
of the every day
and the extraordinary.

i heard this song
jar of hearts
and not only related to the topic
but started wondering what that
would look like
in ink,
to be exact.
what would a jar of hearts look like
in ink?
(i already know what a ziploc bag of hearts
looks like
in my fridge
because i feed my dogs
a raw diet
and hearts are a cheap muscle meat.)

so i drew it today
as i waited for my misha
to finish her speech therapy appointment
i drew a jar of hearts
as grade schoolers
marched by
to the tune of public school
with shy smiles and
curiosity.

i drew a jar of hearts.

i have been wanting to try
to do ink splatter
and ink blotting
with more intent
and less chance.
you know,
just to see if i can.

the river

yesterday
i was so weirded out by the dragons in my picture
that i never stopped to wonder what a person might think
of my skull wearing fire goddess.
which then i obsessed about for awhile
wondering if i would be labeled too dark
too witchy
mostly thinking of how my younger sister would see it
my conservative republican trump-voting highly delusional little sister.

then i thought
you know
if i had a horned skull and a feather tutu
i would totally wear that.
so it must not be weird,
right?

ha!

then i was fine with it.

and today i have another goddess portrait
a river goddess
wearing welding goggles
because, you know, to keep water out of her eyes.

so tomorrow i go fetch my minions back
the end to my alone time…
and i won’t get a picture done tomorrow…maybe the next day?

so tomorrow i see dusty
very briefly
which is how i prefer it.
i haven’t missed him at all.
i can just pretend he is still sitting at his laptop playing video games
or getting high in the garage.
not much different with him gone.

and i finally read my tarot cards today.
i have been avoiding them ever since they yelled at me about not
taking my art seriously.
today they told me
(abridged)
“keep on keeping on–& don’t fuck it up.”

so that’s my game plan.
steady as she goes…watch out for sink holes & water falls.

and here is my ink stain. i could see a face and knew it was a portrait of someone wearing goggles. i fleshed her out. then i found the river.

inkstainriver

jacks

i sometimes really enjoy
being inside my head.
sometimes it’s a pain in the ass
like when i am crazy neurotic.
however,
alone
here
without the minions…
it’s just me & the voices.
they are mostly benign
without any stimulus.
not that my minions make me crazy.
i think that it is more
that being a mother makes me
feel
crazy.

i miss my minions…
but i really enjoy being alone.

i am able to sort through thoughts
make sense of things
it’s kind of nice.

but it is way way way
too quiet without them.

and i have no excuse to not make art
with them not knocking up against my elbows.
so i make art.
not always earth-shattering art
but let’s call it art
anyway.
you know, pigs and sheep and that other thing
playing jacks…
the dogs know
they have been memorialized
playing poker.

(i almost forgot to take a picture of the ink stain. i started in on the pig, then remembered)

inkstainjacks

blowing smoke

i don’t usually use the white ink
in my set of inks
because
i can’t quite wrap my head around
how ink can be white.
i can accept yellow ink…but white?

however,
as you can see in the ink stain

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what will become the girl’s face
is too dark for ink to show up on
so i needed to lighten it a bit
to add features

also!
as usual
i forgot the wings on the dragon
this is a reoccurring mistake for me
which is weird
because i add wings to every other creature
so why can’t i remember that dragons
are actually supposed to have wings?

i blame dusty
right?
he is year of the dragon
and only thinks all dragons
have to have wings
chinese dragons don’t have wings,
i tell him.
but he won’t accept wing-less dragons
so maybe i am subconsciously trying to spite him….
could be.

anyhoo.
so i had to use white to create a wing
for my poor
wingless
dragon.

i had something really cool in my head,
but i wasn’t sure how to make it happen.
so the wings are what they are.
but at least they are there
ish.

i really like hand puppets.
and monkeys.

i’m also very tired.
i played in the snow for two hours
and scanned all of my october & november inkings
today.
i’m a tired,
but my plant beds are all covered, the sheep have more pasture,
and i am in a better position to print up art work!

so let me know if you want some art.
some whimsical
inky
art.

 

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