maiden, mother, crone II

i am maiden
i am mother
i am crone
i have a maiden’s
heart
i have a mother’s
strength
i have a crone’s
wisdom
the power of three
i am all
i am
everything.

i need to be chanting this mantra daily. i like that the first things i related to maiden, mother, & crone were heart, strength, & wisdom respectively. i also like that i do feel i have all three of these things.
but i do need to keep it at the front of my mind as i work towards the enlightenment i so long for.

i love how this illustration turned out. i had just gone to the house on the rock for a birthday celebration & was blown away by anything carved out of wood. mermaids, madonnas, marionettes…. and the giant squid vs. whale…. and the fucking carousel…i could have stared at it for hours.
so much fodder for future art!

maiden, mother, crone

how can i learn
to be crone
if i have never
learned
how to be maiden
or mother?
how can i accept
my crone
when i am still
pushing
away
my maiden
&
my mother?

more epiphanies on the roadblocks in my path. with my masculine nature being my dominant nature, i struggle with anything “feminine.” and when you put it in the terms of maiden, mother, crone my brain just runs away & denies all affiliation.
so i am working on, among other things, running towards…embracing…my maiden, mother, & crone.

unlovable

i don’t want to be
alone
but i cannot imagine
anyone
loving me….

my broken bits shine in this one. it’s a deep fear of mine…or deep belief. i am working on rooting it out. as you will see in coming pages about my body image, mother image, and aging which affect and are affected by my feeling unlovable. hopefully i can exorcise this demon one day soon…or, entanglement of demons (the name of my next band.)

a half century of me

a week from today i will have survived for one half of a century.
(that is the best way my brain can interpret what is happening)
i have never struggled with a number before…but i really really do not feel like i could possibly be this old.

sometimes i get the rabies real hard

i’m just gonna
phone it in
today
seems my rabies
is having itself
a
flare-up
& no one
especially not me
can do
anything
right.

it is difficult to tell if it is just my normal bad disposition or if it is a symptom of my impending crone-dom (don’t tell anyone, but this is my last year as a forty-something.)
but i get so fucking snarky sometimes.
so fucking snarky.
my poor kids know to hide & not draw fire…the dog puts herself in her crate…while i wreak havoc. go on a rampage. vent like a steaming hot tea kettle with little self-regulation…usually triggered by any signs that anyone expects domesticity out of me.
i am like the you in the song “dead sea” by the lumineers:
you told me you were good at running away
domestic life it never suited you like a suitcase

when i feel caged, i get especially vicious.
nothing like four kids and a house in bad need of cleaning to make one feel caged…or it’s menopause.
i really can’t tell the difference.
on an unrelated note (not really,) my current dowry is a six pack of flying dog’s raging bitch beer.



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