loop de loop

i hurt you first
but you hurt me
worst
so many of my
relationships
travel this path
i push away
for fear of rejection
then i come back
just in time
to be rejected
my own little
negative feedback loop
self-fulfilling prophecy
my own
tragic ending
every time i try to be
a whole person.

relationships. can’t live with ’em…can’t live without ’em. i am a mess. my most recent decision is to just dedicate myself to my family & my art & writings to to say “fuck it” to community & relationships.
if i were a man, they would write an epic poem about me–but being a woman, i will just get labeled a spinster & children will fear me.
(i made myself laugh one time thinking about how they never have “most available bachelor” auctions for women–but if they did, it would be a spinster auction.)

worst supporting actress

i don’t want to be
the main attraction
the director
the head liner
i want to be a
co-star
part of the cast
one of the crew
i don’t want to be
the captain
i don’t want it all
to depend on me
i don’t want to go
down
with the ship
i don’t want
to be
the mom….

unfortunately, i do not play well with others so being part of the cast is not easy for me either…. fuck me. i am still having an identity crisis. i do not want to be alone. i do not want to be the one in charge.
but am i destined to be alone?
a loner?
unable to cooperate with the masses well enough to blend in?
crap.
how do i find the balance of community & not being a pissed off misanthrope?

straight to dvd

i am the hero
of my own story
i am also the arch nemesis
as well as several supporting roles
and many of the cameos…
& i am painfully aware
that my story
will go straight to dvd.

i know that i am not popular and have no aspirations to make it to the mainstream…but i also know that i keep myself pretty fucking entertained. and i am eternally grateful to those of you out there who get me…or at least appreciate me.

this was the last page in the reflections journal that i started last fall. i inked on almost every page (some pages were used to make notes about projects, etc.) these journals take a lot of abuse.

in other news…

the freestore i started last winter is open again!

i am starting a writer’s/artist’s group on monday…

my art show (the invisible exhibitionist) is going up this weekend?

& my book is due for release on october 1st.

i’m only freaking out a little. okay. so i am super-dooper freaking out & my imposter syndrome feels like i am about to step off a cliff & spiral downward into the abyss…but, you know, otherwise…exciting stuff.

a muse ing

mental health
is a loyal muse
she never wanders
far
away
& seemingly
is quite easily
summoned
sometimes just
by a song on the radio
or a careless word
mental health
is an accommodating muse
willing to wait
with open arms
for you
to
crawl
back to her.

i have a friend who got a mental health diagnosis &, fortunately, has herself submerged in a writer’s workshop…so she immediately wrote it into a story.
i love that.
i love people using what could knock them over to, instead, create.
which is one reason i am starting a group of creators (writers & artists) to come together as a community to support & encourage & listen.
i am pretty excited…or, rather, terrified about it.
but i’m doing it.

lemonade

i don’t like feeling
defeated
by life
i want
instead
to be one of those
elastic
people
that bad stuff
just bounces
off
as they find
the positive
go
forth
& conquer
turning their frown
upside
down
& lemons
into
lemonade
instead
i have to hunker
down
gather my resources
& wait
for the sun
to come back out.

as i stated yesterday…vague references to current events….
ironically, as politics try to cut me off from my fellow humans…my introverted ass is out of the house joining community resistance groups & looking for straight from farm sources for food as i refuse to join in to the politics of covid.
it’s that or lay on my couch & cry.
ack.
trust me, i know what i’m doing.

meanwhile at the free store

i have two rooms now, well, two & a half…. one for household items & shoes (so many shoes!)
& one for clothes & toys. i figure put the toys in with the clothes so moms can look for clothes while kids make a mess with the toys.

speaking of messes…i almost closed up the shop…turned the bus around…i was so frustrated with how people don’t pick up after themselves. i mean, nothing major, but with enough people not putting things away…. i already have four kids to pick up after….

but i am trying to keep the faith. the free store doors remain
open
(two doors now!)

ps. if i have to deal with another bag of single socks, i might just freak the fuck out…so pair up your socks, people. no singletons or i will hunt you down.

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