disconnect

used to be
you had to go to 
the fields
hunt
in the woods
trade
with a neighbor
if you wanted to eat
you worked together
with your tribe
your clan
your society 
to make sure everyone ate
now
now it’s drive up
drive through
don’t stop
don’t even get out of your car
ever
fast food, liquor, now your groceries
all
available
no eye contact
required
don’t look up from 
your phone
…do you call this progress?
because
to me
it feels like
deterioration
a breakdown
a disconnect
an 
utter
collapse.

this might not be a popular opinion. okay, obviously not a popular opinion. but it is mine. i couldn’t even draw myself holding a smartphone i hate them so much. that is not me. someone else there. 
i hate drive-throughs almost as much as i hate smartphones. i get my ass out of the car, unpack the minions, walk in, and do what i need to do. 
am i a martyr? 
some might say i am being a martyr.
fuck that 
i am trying to retain human contact because i think community is dire to our survival. i don’t even like people…and i have serious social anxiety. 
but i get the fuck out of my car and talk to people and make eye contact.

because what happens if we lose even more of our connection to each other?  

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choosing to survive

except
i chose to be alone
i did
i did not
i did not choose
for my ex-husband to be an 
asshole
but i did choose
to live without an asshole
in my life
which meant
i was left all alone
& lonely
i accept that i have ultimately
made that choice
& am also
choosing
not to simply let anyone
any warm body
be
the company
i so desire
so
yes
i choose
to be alone
even if
i would rather not
be
lonely.

i felt that it was important for me to acknowledge this to myself. to know that i am not just a victim of my life. i make choices to try to be stronger & to try to heal the pain and damage i have suffered. though i believe my decisions of late will help me in the long run, that doesn’t mean i enjoy the immediate effects of them. 

meanwhile, i went to iowa city to check out their developing eco-village. it was beautiful & the people were really cool…but i do not have anywhere near to the money i would need as it requires actually buying a flat or duplex. 
i will talk to them to see if there are any options for a broke-ass mama like me…but i don’t think it is someplace i can move to anytime soon. so i am still trying to figure out my next move, a move back to community and away from the isolation of my homestead.
but i was happy to–briefly–be back in iowa city. i wish i had never left. 
i wonder what that parallel universe looks like….

on the topic of money. i have decided that i have to actually demand child support from my ex-fucker. i mean, dur. or rather, i shouldn’t even have to demand it–he should just be paying it. but that is not ever going to happen. he is paying just a token amount because i let him get away with that & now he actually has a job where he could afford to pay more…but he is not. he is not supporting his children because he doesn’t think he should have to. 
this makes me so sad. 
and i really do hate being the heavy.
and he is so good at making me feel like shit whenever he puts me in the position where i have to ask him for anything. 
oh! 
and i did tell him, when we did the minion swap, that if i were using him as a punching bag (as he likes to accuse me) that would mean i was angry about something else & taking it out on him. 
i let him know that he is not my punching bag because the anger i am directing at him is anger that i have at him–my frustration with him…appropriately directed at him.
fucking manipulative motherfucker. 

new moon manifestation

new moon manifestation

community
i crave
long for
authentic
community
real friends
real people
looking to build
something
amazing
grow something
incredible
together
create a healthy
sustainable
supportive
loving caring
community.

years ago i lived in a cooperative house. i loved it & hated it. it was set up in downtown madison and housed 30 people. it called itself “family friendly.” it was an incredible experience that made me realize how much i crave a community. however, the house itself attracted mostly college students & single white men. neither having much of a “family friendly” slant.
oh. i have stories.
so many stories…but that house was not for me.
but like i tend to do in life, i took what i liked and put the rest of it in a catapult.

ever since, i have been trying to figure out how to create a cooperative community. growers. artists. nature-lovers. children. animals. creators. builders.
the whole world.
i want the whole world in my backyard…er…i mean our backyard.

it could happen.
i just have to keep up with my new moon manifestations.

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