here i am
i have never left
can you hear me?
can you see me?
i am here
i have never left
it felt good to do a doodle of my other self…my moses jones. my apocalyptic mama. it felt good to think about her.
she is a sort of self-portrait.
the me in a parallel universe
where dytopia has already sunk his teeth into us all.
i want to bring her back.
read my comics, if you will.
give me your thoughts.
when i was twenty-two, my therapist told me to stop dating.
she feared i had a sexual addiction.
in fact, i was (am?) addicted to relationships (which is one reason it took me ten thousands attempts to break up with dusty)
& being also afflicted with contrary personality disorder (i just made that up)
i shook off my therapist’s instructions & found some troubled
boy to date
whom i wasn’t even really attracted to
(a re-occurring personality in my grab-bag of relationships)
long story short
when i realized i was being stupid
i called the boy up & told him i needed “to talk” to him
…& i never saw him again.
he disappeared before i could break up with him
that is not the last time i had a boyfriend vanish before i could break up with him….
okay–so while i was doing the illustration/self-portrait/comic for this, i messed up my drawing & had to cover it up and then when i was doing background color–my ink smeared??? but…i think i salvaged it.
my ink is not supposed to smear. bad ink.
so it looks like this might be the direction this whole experiment turns to. a comic. an illustrated journal/memoir.
that would be kinda cool.
let’s see what other noteworthy memories i can dredge up.
i’m tired of what i have been doing with ink brush painting.
yesterday i used some leftover ink to make random panels on a sheet of paper.
today i pulled a comic out of my ass…
and then i ended up spilling a bunch of black ink
so in the spirit of sustainability and not wasting and taking lemons & making lemonade,
i did a quick sketch using the spilled ink…which is the inking showcased at the top of today’s blog.
full moon long shadows.
i like it.
i like my art.
i like being me.
so there, world of no recognition…or very little recognition. i like my stuff. i know i am good. i don’t need your fucking “likes” (but, you know, they are nice)
on a personal note
because it has been too long without me over-sharing…
i had half-invited dusty to live here–as a paying lodger…but now i am re-thinking that. i mean, it sounds like a recipe for disaster.
he just won’t grow up.
and it’s not like i am so good at being a grown up…but i manage.
meanwhile, he pays a minimal child support…occasionally.
he has a crap job because he won’t bother looking for another one.
he lives with his crap-ass mom because he won’t bother finding his own place–nor does he have the money to do so.
and he has a crappy car that does not run because he just stored it in a garage for seven years while he made me give him rides.
and now he is dependent on him mom for rides.
and i keep thinking…why?
why won’t he just get up off his ass and do something?
well, i guess he’s just waiting for me to pick him up again.
so what happens if i don’t?
social media sucks ass.
for us super sensitive
sometimes i hate
so so so much
i feel like a stupid tool
everyone hates me
why do i do this
this is the third inking i have done today.
i am about to post it on facebook. in that stupid group i am in. and it will get zero “likes” as have the other two today.
my art doesn’t suck that bad.
why can’t i get a “like”….
and why do i care?
fuck a duck
i am ready to just quit facebook. a fucking social media site should not be able to cause me this kind of torment.
i know it’s stupid.
yet i am tormented.
i am going to keep doing inktober.
i am going to keep doing art.
i am going to keep practicing my ink brush painting (right now i am opening the book the photo ark to a random page and painting it.)
and! and–i am going to get back to my comics. my moses jones and all the others.
it’s been too long.
so fuck you, facebook. even if you hate my art. i love my art.
i love being an artist.
a nice fucking neurotic artist.
life is too short
to tolerate feelings of hate
comments of hate
overt or covert
directed at women, people of color,
homosexuals, transgendered people,
people with religious differences, immigrants,
or anyone else who is just trying to live their life
in idle conversation
in heated arguement
comments on social media
i will not tolerate any of it
(i did the above comics in early 2016 when people were getting hurt at his rallies…i wish they could have been filed away and that i never had reason to share them again. i wish we had stopped this when it was just starting to crawl out from under its rock….)
i am quick to burn a bridge. i barely speak to my parents who are abusive, narcissistic, and destructive. i liberally use the “unfriend” option on facebook. i recently told my younger sister–my polar opposite–who voted for trump because he was “god’s choice” who is a total racist despite (??) adopting a black son who loves to tell everyone else how to live their lives who grew up poor but hates poor people who once told me, “don’t vote for so&so because he is for gay rights,” thereby bursting my bubble where i believed everyone has rights….
i stopped talking to her when she voted for trump and have since let her know that i have no time for her hypocrisy–via a letter she sent me which i returned unopened because i knew already what i would find inside….
so it’s difficult & confusing for me to see the posts of friends on facebook who engage with their racist friends–nicely & with tolerance. and then i wonder–are they better than me? or is their friendliness flawed? at first i thought they must be better people than me. kind to those who are evil or whatever. then i thought, “no. if we treat these motherfuckers with kid gloves–they will never realize they are motherfuckers.”
this helped…i saw this on facebook today:
so i am going to keep on burning my bridges.
life is too short.
so i am applying for this award that goes to mothers who write &/or draw. there are a bunch of categories, but they encourage you to only enter in one. i have been agonizing over whether i should go with the graphic novel category and enter moses jones or if i should enter in the drawing category and just showcase my ink stain whimsy series (among other drawings i feel strongly about.)
seriously, it has been agonizing.
last night i was sure that i could write a graphic novel to go with my ink stain whimsy series and enter it & mojo in the graphic novel category…. and maybe i could. and maybe i will! but not right now. i started to. split into a few different directions. saw images in my head i knew i could not at this time create.
finally, i started to physically go through all of my pages of moses jones and all of my ink stains.
reading moses jones had a much stronger pull for me than my inkstains.
i love my ink stains. they are totally a relaxing and fun art to do.
but graphic novels…
how i love my graphic novels.
i even dug through some of my other comics. weener coop and just me & my lizard brain:
man, i love comics & graphic novels.
so i am going to convince myself that the judges will see the beauty i see in moses jones and award me a greatly needed cash prize.
i haven’t done many inkings lately with all the other work i have been doing just by surviving my every day. i miss doing art.
however, when i went looking through my old moses jones pages, i was horrified by my art. i was all like, “who reads this atrocity?” (well…no one other than my handful of dedicated fans [i love you]) but that doesn’t mean i shouldn’t try to do better!
before my several months of doing inkings & neglecting comics, i was already frustrated with the style moses jones was starting to take on. i prefer the earlier pages. i super prefer the original moses jones prototype drawings.
so after purchasing a wooden katana (technically a bokken–used for training) at an olde english faire, i felt compelled to do some sketches of some of the characters from moses jones.
it felt good to sketch her again. and to do it roughly. no blue pencil…just ink.
i mean, i guess i just continue the story but alter the art?
or start a new chapter over again since i am only a bit into the new episode & completely forgot that i left lucy in labor at the end of episode two?
i need to start a new chapter. start over–ish.
but first! i need to work more on this project i am illustrating for a very cool woman i know. i have been playing around with that character as well. this is what she will look like:
so now i just need to get her story illustrated.
then! on to moses jones & more inkings….