ancient history

before i met & married dusty and had an on-again/off-again dysfunctional relationship from hell with him…i had a practice run for two years with his kentucky twin.
in 1996 just after i lost the best boy i’d ever known, i fell in with this narcissistic, emotionally abusive asshole.
it should have just been a rebound…but he was so good at manipulating me that it lasted for two awful years. he conned me out of thousands of dollars, put my ego in the crapper, and cheated on me like crazy.
this poem was written about six months in.

holy crap.
i should have read these journals back when stuff started going funny with dusty. i had no idea what a narcissist was–not really. nor that they preyed on people like me…people with too much empathy.
i had no idea.
i thought it was love.
just like i thought it was love that kept me with dusty no matter how much of a fuck he was to me.
i should publish these journals as a warning.

i told me so

i wanted to believe him
oh how badly i wanted to believe
that he really loved me
really wanted me
really saw now what he had done
wrong
how he had
wronged
me
i wanted so badly to believe
he really had changed
that things could really be
different
better
that there was hope still
even though the nagging little voices
in my head
assured me he had not changed
pointing out the little red flags
scattered around him

dusty and i were perfect and in love once. so so so in love. it was a long time ago. he was the center of my universe…and i’m sure i somehow fit into his universe.

and then i got pregnant with fidgit.
and everything changed.
i changed, my focus changed, shifted. dusty was no longer the center of my universe. he had to share the spotlight.
and dusty changed. a person emerged that i had never met before. a cold person. a cruel and judgemental person.

and that was the beginning of the end.

i was surprised when he started up with the love and adoration this last time. i guess i shouldn’t have been. i guess i should have remembered he will do anything he has to do to keep the status quo. but i was surprised because it has been awhile since he acted as if i were important to him. usually i am just a piece of the puzzle…but he started acting as if i were the puzzle itself. every piece.

but i told him “no” because i have to hold close the hurt he caused me so i don’t forget. like snapping a rubber band on my wrist whenever i want to believe dusty actually cares.

and last night i got my proof that i was right to do so.

while he was wooing me to keep our family together, apparently he decided to cover his bets & he also got back in touch with the woman he used to try to destroy me. the poor delusional twat who he would lie to as much as he would lie to me–except she believed him. i don’t know if she was crazy before he got a hold of her, but she was crazy by the end.

so, yay, they are back together.

i told me so.

(i just realized that if we had stayed married, today would be our 14 year anniversary)

tripping joggers

how do i rationalize spending $100 on paper (sketch pads, etc) when i have no money? i dunno. some of the paper is for the minions who love to do art almost as much as i do. you know, so it’s homeschooling. and i spent only like $70 on solstice (christmas for you non-pagans) presents…so maybe it’s okay? also! i’m getting some of my deposit back from my apartment in madison that i moved out of almost a year ago.

funny story.
after trying to leave exhusband#2 multiple times i again agreed to get a place with him…even though he was actively cheating on me right in front of me.
ah, the lies we tell ourselves.
agreeing to live with him against my better judgement, i did so insisting that we move out of madison. madison is just too damn expensive, and exhusband#2 does not like to work, and i have yet to be paid for what i do every day. so i wanted to move somewhere where we would not be living paycheck to paycheck…but he did not want to abandon his girlfriend.
so
after trying to find an apartment for a family of six in another town with absolutely no help from exhusband#2
for some reason
i agreed to keep living in madison?
in an apartment we could not afford?
i paid the deposit. living off of credit cards and student loans, i paid the $1050 security deposit.
we moved in.
a month later, biking with the minions, i came across him making out with his girlfriend (whom he was always in the process of breaking up with) on the bike path by our house.  
i freaked out.
lost it.
crashed my bike.
broke my arm.
and kicked the slut in the knee.
the wrong slut, but the slut i was aiming for….
i got a citation for “disorderly conduct” and had to go to court and pay a fine.
so i told  him, “if you don’t break up with her by the end of the semester, i am moving out of madison.”
he didn’t.
i did.
going even further into debt to lease a u-haul to move me & four minions two hours away from madison….

did  i say this was a funny story?

and i found someone to sublet the madison apartment. a “friend” who said she would pay me the deposit…but never did. and then lied to me about it…repeatedly.

so i had pretty much written off that $1050 until yesterday when the landlord contacted me to say he was sending me the deposit. how much? i dunno. but at least some. a little more money. to rationalize my buying $100 worth of paper.

it’s for the art, people! i have priorities! it’s for the art!

i don’t have cable or a smartphone or a car or new clothes or fancy appliances…but by god, i have paper to draw on!!!
and some to mat with, hopefully, so i can put some of my inkings in a local gallery? dare i dream that little dream?
paper
i love you so.

(this inking/comic is another in a series i am playing with where i take random things i have written over the years. random sentences. random ideas. random “stories.” i am taking all of that randomness and trying to turn it into visual art. i used an ink stain and a random thought to create this one. very casual.)

(aww crap. i totally forgot to do the photo progression like i did in yesterday’s post. then you can see where i’m getting my ideas from the lines in the ink…but i forgot. or rather, i was wrestling with crazy minions while trying to do art & was lucky just to finish an inking! the more i do this however, the more i should remember to photograph my procession to whimsy.)

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